


Ben

by Bripenguin2013



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abandonment, Ahch-To, Anxiety, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Redemption, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, POV Ben, POV First Person, POV Kylo Ren, Patricide, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redeemed Ben Solo, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2018-09-27 18:56:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 67,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10040087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bripenguin2013/pseuds/Bripenguin2013
Summary: Kylo Ren was left to die on Starkiller base, and that is exactly what happened. When the First Order retrieved his body, they didn't realize it was Ben Solo who lived inside it. Now Ben must own up to his mistakes and face his past. Rey is very forgiving, but can he forgive himself?Told from only Ben Solo's perspective.Yes it is Reylo ;-)





	1. Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the destruction of Starkiller Base Kylo Ren is whisked away to the Finalizer for medical treatment. It has been three days since he was placed inside of the bacta tank. When Ben Solo wakes up unexpectedly things don't go according to plan.

_They say everything is as the Force wills it. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on which side you were on **,** the Force delighted in fucking with me every step of the way. My life had been a series of mistakes, riddled with misunderstandings, and manipulation. Most of the pain I endured was brought on by my own doings, the rest were at the hands of an evil being who plagued my very existence even before I had drawn my first breath. Some would say that I didn’t stand a chance and to that I say, you're wrong. I was given countless opportunities to turn back, but fear has a way of holding your soul hostage. The path leading out of obscurity isn’t always clear, sometimes you need a guiding light._

* * *

 

“Ben.”

It was almost like a whisper, a faint sound carried on the wind, that if you weren’t listening, you might not have heard it at all. Was it delirium or a result of all the medication they had pumped into my system? Then the voice came again, louder and clearer as if she were right next to me.       

“Ben, come back to me,” the voice whispered. It was her. Rey.

Opening my eyes, I expected to see her there, but my vision was immediately obscured by the blue swirl of bacta. There were no discernable figures **,** only blurs of humanoid forms dashing frantically around the bacta tank. A growing need for freedom ignited within me. My fists pounded on the glass, but the medical droids weren’t moving fast enough, and I was becoming more irritated with each passing minute. Patience and temperance were never virtues I practiced, and today would be no exception. It took very little effort to use the Force to crack the glass, even in my medicated state. A distinct clink reverberated all around the tank; every one of the blurred figures froze in place outside the tank. The glass splintered, creaked, and burst, spilling me and its contents onto the floor. Pain tore through my side as I tried to orient myself. The room swayed. I couldn’t breathe.

Pulling myself up on my knees, I ripped the metal breathing apparatus from my throat. Blood and the taste of iron filled my mouth as my lungs finally filled with fresh air. Alarms from the medical equipment were wailing, but no one moved to switch them off. Instead, the medical team stood silent and stunned, hesitating at offering aid, awaiting the outburst that was always associated with my presence. My bare feet slid on the cold, wet floor, and I steadied myself with my hands before standing. Wiping bacta from my eyes **,** the only discernible feature that came into focus was orange hair.

General Hux stepped forward, eyes narrowed and full of contempt and disgust as he looked me over.

“You’ve made a mess of things again, Ren,” Hux kicked a large chunk of glass in my direction.  “Supreme Leader will not be pleased,” he paced in front of me with that authoritative cocky gate of his. “You are supposed to finish your training, and I hope you know what that will entail.”

A sneer grew across his arrogant face. I’d had enough.  

“I hope I can be there to watc--” Hux’s voice cut off, and he began to gurgle and choke. I heard a crunch, and for a moment I wanted to snap his neck in two.  

“Ben,” Rey called again.

Was that--? A question in her tone, or a plea? A frantic tug through the Force answered the question for me and the need to get to her crashed over me like an avalanche.

My hand relaxed, and Hux dropped where he stood. I stepped over his body; in front of me were at least ten frightened doctors, a handful of Stormtroopers, and Captain Phasma.

“I want my clothes and my shuttle ready now,” I growled, hoarse. My throat felt on fire at the moment words left my mouth. The hasty removal of the apparatus had done a bit of damage. I didn’t think anything more about it. It was nothing that wouldn’t heal in a few days’ time. My only concern right now was Rey, even though I didn’t understand why she had called out to me.

They all scrambled in different directions except for one grey-headed doctor. She studied me with her old eyes before presenting me with a towel. I slid the warm sterile white towel over my body, and the old woman held her ground at my side. I tossed the bacta soaked towel back at her **;** a very timid and much younger human male medical attendant handed me a set of clothes exactly like my old ones. His hands were shaking as beads of sweat gathered at his hairline. He couldn’t have been more than twenty standard years, his whole face was pale. Pale blue eyes and rapidly paling skin. He nodded and quickly walked away.  

Hastily I begin to dress- I didn't have time for this.  It took a bit of effort to pull everything on because my skin was still damp and my wounds, although closed, were still raw. Starkiller. I remembered. The snow. And. Him. My legs weakened; I was falling. The old doctor placed her wrinkled hands on my forearm to steady my balance.

“You are weak, and it will take time for you to heal fully,” she said. There was not an ounce of fear in her voice. No, there was authority and power, something that was unexpected by her aged appearance. The others around her gasped openly, no doubt worried I would kill her where she stood for calling me weak. She looked down at Hux and then back to me.

“Everyone out!” She demanded. They all followed her command, even Captain Phasma; who grabbed Hux up by his collar, dragging him out of the med bay still unconscious with her.

“Except you,” she pointed to a Stormtrooper, and he stopped at the door. Once everyone else was out, she stood toe-to-toe with me, drawing herself up to her full height. I needed to leave, but I also wanted to know what this woman wanted.

She nodded towards TN-4328, “Tell that one over there to erase the surveillance for the med bay.” I was a bit taken aback by the boldness and outright insubordination of her request but felt compelled to honor the old doctor’s demand.

“You will erase the surveillance recordings to the med bay immediately,” I said.

The Stormtrooper recited my demand and walked out the door. Now, we were alone. I looked back at the strange old woman, trying to figure out what her real intentions were.

“Hux was always a strange and vile child, used to piss his pants as a teenager at the sight of his father. He likes to pull the wings from flies and torture those he holds power over. But I know the truth, he’s a sniveling coward and a bastard,” Placing both her hands on my upper arms, she squeezed and continued,  “I’ve been watching you for a long time. Been around since before you were born. Now, I’ve been tossed down here with the medical staff while they try to forget who I was, stripping me of everything I fought for. This is not what the Empire was supposed to be, repeating the same mistakes over and over. But I’ve noticed something else.” Her tone shifted from commanding to something more urgent and severe, “This time, the quest for power isn’t to restore order. We’ve been played, like pieces on a Dejarik board. This isn’t just the annihilation of the New Republic, but the First Order as well. I know you know it,” she squeezed my arms tighter, “Deal with your grief in time, hold it together until then. Do you understand me, Ben? You won’t have much time. I’d go now and not look back; he already knows.”

There was no need to ask who she was referring to, or what it was he knew. Snoke knew everything before I knew it myself. As for the Doctor’s revelations, I couldn’t be sure, but I had a feeling she was right. I skimmed the edges of the woman's mind. There was no deception in her claims.

“They’ll kill you,” I finally managed to answer.

“Not if you knock me out,” she winked.

Nothing should truly shock me anymore, but it was hard to believe what I was hearing. However, the old woman was right, the First Order wouldn’t take her for a traitor if they thought I had hurt her. Taking one last look at the doctor’s old eyes, I gave her a nod.  I pulled my helmet over my still-wet head. It hissed as I pressed the clasp to close.

“And Ben,” she said, stopping me before I could bring my hand to her temple. “When you see your mother, and I’m sure you will in time, tell her Grand Admiral Sloane sends her regards, and that I said ‘Fulcrum’.”

“Fulcrum? What is…” I began, my modulated voice echoing in my own ears.

Sloane held her hand up, “She’ll know; we’re both getting too old for this shit.”

I touched my hand to her temple, and her eyes rolled back into her head; I’d placed her into a deep sleep that should last for an hour or two. I caught her before she hit the ground and gently lowered her to the floor. It wouldn’t do for her to break a hip.

Grand Admiral Sloane…. that name was familiar, but the importance of her identity would have to wait until later. There was a limited amount of time before they found her unconscious body. Moving down the corridors, I kept up the usual façade, stepping with authority and bottled up rage. No one seemed to realize that there was a difference. Everyone who passed moved into place or out of the way as nothing had changed. Apparently, no one but Phasma knew I had attacked General Hux. I had a feeling she was hoping he would die so she could assume command. She was far better suited for the position than Hux... Perhaps, she was waiting for him to fail so that Snoke could take care of him for her. Either way, no alarms would be raised.

I stopped by my quarters to retrieve an old relic, far too important to leave behind. Stuffing it carefully under my robes, concealing it from view, I took one last look at the room I had called my home. It was mostly empty except for a bed, with a small bedside table and a lamp. My clothes were in a closet, hidden in the cold gray durasteel walls. A separate room housed the helmet of my Grandfather, my only companion for the last seven years of my life.

Swallowing hard, I turned and walked away, leaving it and everything else behind. It was never a home; it had only been a prison cell, and I was blinded by my hatred, too jaded to notice. The last stop on my way out was the barracks on the second level where my acolytes dwelled.

They followed me to my shuttle. The Knights of Ren never speak unless spoken to and always followed orders. They are loyal to a fault and deeply vested in the darkness. When I took control of my private command shuttle, all six of them sat quietly in the passenger compartment. They had no idea that this would be the last ride they would ever take.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give a shout out to my wonderful teacher and beta @dasfeministmermaid Without her patience and guidance I would have given up long ago. I have worked really hard on each of these chapters and so has she. Please leave me some comments! I love to hear feedback! Thank you guys again for reading.


	2. First Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben, lands at Ahch-To, and finds Rey and Luke. The Knights are a problem, and Ben needs allies. But has he burned all his bridges?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, slow burn in process! You didn't think this confrontation would be easy did you?

 

_It started with the Stormtrooper who had an awakening of his own. FN-2187 decided to go against everything he knew one fateful night in the desert village of Tuanul on Jakku. I felt his shame, his conflict, the terror within his heart at the horrors of war. It was an all too familiar feeling, and it slammed into me from across the battlefield. His fear spiked when he realized I had caught him disobeying a direct order from Captain Phasma.  In a moment of “weakness”, I allowed him to live. It was then I felt a ripple in the Force. At the time I didn’t realize its meaning, nor did I recognize that it was an awakening not just in the Force, but also within myself. I had unknowingly just set in motion a chain of events that would alter the fate of the galaxy and my life forever._

* * *

 

I had learned a lot from Han Solo, more than I had ever cared to admit. First things first; rip out the wires feeding the tracking main frame so no one could find your ship. Secondly, fly out to a known part of space before programming anything else into your navigation system. So, I set course for Tatooine which took only a few hours, and from there 517,707,105 were the coordinates I subconsciously typed into the navigation computer. It sputtered out an estimated timeline for hyperspace flight: 2.15 parsecs to my unknown destination.

I had no idea where it was taking me, but I knew Rey would be there. The Knights occupied the passenger compartment. They would not leave until given the command to do so. It didn’t appear in the short time from their quarters to boarding that they had suspected anything. They were not strong Force wielders, but they were lethal nonetheless.

If Snoke had ordered them to kill me, they would have done it already, or perhaps they were waiting for the right moment. In my current wounded state, I could never hope to take them on alone.

The blue hue of hyperspace whirled by the cockpit, and, finally alone, I mulled over the different options. There weren't many to ponder. The Knights needed to die, and so did Snoke. One thing was certain, it could not be done alone, and if Luke wouldn’t help me, maybe _she_ would. Suppressing a laugh, I realized I was doing exactly what Han would have done. All action, no plan, figure-it-out-as-you-go-along. The short burst of amusement was quickly replaced with the image Han’s eyes full of terror and disbelief. My chest tightened, and a knot formed in the back of my throat, but I quickly swallowed it down, remembering Sloane’s words, “Deal with it later, Ben. ”

That name, how odd it felt to be called by it again. Was I Ben? Maybe... Han seemed to think so. But where did that get him? _No, not yet,_ I chided myself. _Focus on the now._

The Knights would need to be addressed as soon as we landed. They were the first links in the chains that held me prisoner. If Luke was with Rey, there was a slight possibility he would help. However, due to the state of our relationship, this would most likely prove to be rather difficult. Luke had always expected perfection especially when it came to me. Every training session, every mission we had together, he found something to criticize. I could only imagine what he thought of me now. The only thing I could do was try to reach Rey first. I closed my eyes, cleared my mind, and tried to rekindle the humming current that ran through us when we had joined our minds.

I didn’t understand it, it was different than any kind of link I had ever experienced. _She_ was different. Most of the time, I could push my way into someone's mind, taking what I wanted at will, and that would be the end of it.

It had been so quick, and I had been so unguarded, so reckless. I was caught off guard by the undercurrent of emotions that lay hidden behind her defiance. We were both afraid to leave our self-imposed nightmares. I lingered far too long in the memories of hot sand and old rusted star destroyers. All the while, Rey snaked her way into my mind, uncovering one of my deepest, darkest secrets.

It could be a... No, most definitely not, it couldn’t be-- but what else was there? We weren't related by blood, and the only other explanation was a _bond_. If so, I should be able to reach her.

Stretching out through the Force, I sought. A small speck of light flickered in the distance, and each time I thought I had grip on it, it vanished. Was Rey shielding herself from me? Then why call out to me? Had it been real at all?

Whether or not it had been wishful thinking, delirium, or in fact real. I had fled the First Order and attacked Hux. I had gone too far to alter course now, and I was left with no other choice but to reach out to Luke instead. Closing my eyes again, I tried to empty my mind and bridge the connection that Luke had severed many years ago. It was like ramming against a durasteel wall. Even so, I continued to push and push, for what seemed like hours, until my head felt like it would split in half. There was no way he would let me in, not after what I had done. Why did I even bother?

Removing my helmet, I ran my hands over my eyes. Exhaustion was setting in. My body still needed to heal, and the drugs were beginning to wear off. A dull ache pulsed through my side, and a burning sensation spread across my face where she marked me. Leaning back in the pilot's seat, I pulled my feet up and rested them on the control console. I couldn’t allow myself to sleep, but fixing my gaze on the blur of hyperspace was enough to lull anyone. That’s when I caught a glimpse of my face, reflecting off the transparisteel which clearly reflected the extent of the damage. A red gash bisected my face, barely missing my eye. I looked like two different people: a monster and a man. Perhaps that's what I was both darkness and the light. I deserved far more than what Rey gave me.

She had such raw power; I wanted her at my side. I couldn’t help it. The look on her face when she took the lightsaber was one of disbelief, but that melted away in only a matter of seconds when she finally realized _what_ she was and accepted the Force. It was as clear in my mind now as the moment it happened. Never in my life had I witnessed anything so beautiful, and from that moment on, I knew I belonged to her. But then, she’d snarled at me, even at the end. I didn’t deserve anything other than her scorn.  All the same, my chest tightened with anticipation of seeing her again.

The sudden onslaught of alarms jerked me out of sleep. How long had I been out? Apparently over one regular cycle because I was at my destination. Well, at least one question had been answered. Either the Knights had no idea, or they were waiting to see where I was going. All would be revealed shortly, and I still had no idea what I was going to do. Dropping out of lightspeed, the first thing I noticed was water, lots of water. The speckles of green were barely noticeable against the vast amount of blue.

“The island,” I murmured to myself, a bit surprised.

How had she seen it if she had never left Jakku? She was having visions and didn’t even realize it. This shouldn’t have surprised me. Rey didn’t even know she had the Force until I-- what? - awakened it? Quickly, I pulled my helmet back over my head and made the approach. There was no way of knowing which island, but I let the Force guide me. Then, the Falcon came into view, sitting on the lower edge of the island.

Without warning, the ship was rocked by an explosion on the right wing. I hadn’t even thought to engage deflector shields, too lost in my own thoughts. Too close to the ground for any evasive maneuvers, I had no other choice but to set the shuttle down. The Upsilon Class shuttle was built to be durable, but it had its limits. Doing my best to stay level, I set it down on the smoothest spot available. The durasteel groaned as it folded in on itself. Sparks rocketed from the control panels and along the walls while I was tossed around like a rag doll. Smoke filled the cockpit, and I slammed my fist on the release for the ramp. Slowly, beams of light began to filter inside the shuttle, and I followed them out into the salt-filled air. The island was cold regardless of the bright warm sun beaming overhead. Even my thick long robes couldn’t shield me from the frigid air rolling in from the ocean. The Knights were a stark contrast against the lush green and gray rocks. They had lined up beside one another as they made their escape. All six of them were unfortunately accounted for. Keeping with my pace, they followed close behind.  My senses were heightened; I tried to key in on Luke or Rey. Then I felt the tug, and there she stood, battle-ready beside Luke. I made one last attempt to reach out to Luke.

 _I need your help, they don’t know I’ve defected; I can’t take them all on my own_. I spoke directly into the Force, hoping our proximity would help. Luke remained silent, but Rey glanced toward him with a wary look. Had she heard me? Rey tensed and her fingers slowly drifted down to her saber unclipping it from her belt all the while her eyes remained fixed on me. The last thing I wanted to do was fight her.  I couldn’t give up my position, not yet.

I kept moving forward. Luke broke away from Rey and headed in a separate direction. He was splitting us up, a tactic I knew all too well; maybe he did hear me after all. I stopped, only yards away from Rey. My breath hitched in my throat, and for split second I forgot the Knights were standing behind me.

“Take care of Skywalker; leave the girl to me,” I said, keeping my voice cold and level as possible.

Finally alone I removed my helmet. Rey’s eyes fixated on the scar, and her mind opened briefly. I felt...guilt rolling off of her. I stared back, wide-eyed. Rey’s cheeks flooded with redness. Immediately, she threw up walls, blocking her thoughts. Her brows furrowed as she ignited the blue legacy lightsaber and took a defensive stance.

So he was training her.

“What do you want!” She snapped.

I held up my hands free of a weapon, so she wouldn't feel threatened, “I came to talk; isn't that why you called out to me?”

Rey’s eyes darted from my hands to my face, obviously perplexed by my actions. “I didn’t call for you, what the hell are you talking about?”

The green glow from Luke's lightsaber whipped around in a blur off in the distance. As I predicted, the Knights were no match for Luke. Then a familiar roar joined the hum of the lightsaber, followed by blaster fire. Chewbacca would be enough help; I needed to talk to Rey.

She tightened her grip on the hilt so hard her knuckles blanched, “I took you down once, what makes you so sure I can't do it again? ”

The Force radiated off of her just as it had on Starkiller, except now she was a bit more in control.

“Rey, I heard you call my name,” I said. I didn’t want to fight her.

“Liar!”

She charged so quickly I barely retrieved my lightsaber before she landed a blow. The blue glow from her saber clashed against the blue of mine. Instantly, her face changed; she was less sure. She hadn’t expected this. Her thoughts began to dart around in her mind; her walls were caving, and through the cracks, I could see the questions begin to leak out.

 _Where’s the red one? Who did he kill for this one? It feels familiar._ _Why_ _is he looking at me like that?_  She pushed against me, driving me back towards the edge of the cliff, taking a swipe at my thighs. She was still using the moves she pulled from my mind, but they were coupled with poses Luke taught her. I didn't want to hurt her but, this wasn’t going to end well for me, if I didn’t get a hold of the situation somehow. I twisted my body around to force her back so that she was now on the defensive.

“I don’t want to fight you!” I yelled over the clash of sabers.

“ENOUGH!” Luke shouted.

The sky mixed with the ground as I flew backward, landing on my back. Rey had disappeared from the edge of the cliff.

“REY!” I was already on my feet. But before I could advance any closer, Luke grabbed her by the hand and pulled her back up from the ledge.

I then realized; Luke had Force pushed us apart. I froze and looked at both of them. It had been so long since I had seen him. There was a bit more gray in his beard, and his face looked like it had aged far more than only seven years. I tried to get a sense of his mood, but Luke had always been a wall.  

Luke eyed the lightsaber still in my hand and then my face, “Where did you get that?”

“It’s a story for another time. Where are the Knights?”

Luke looked over his shoulder, and I followed his gaze. Six distinct lumps of black cluttered the ground.

Luke lowered his head, turning back towards me, “They gave me no choice.

I breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank you.”

Luke tilted his head curiously, “Why are you here?”

“I…I need your help.”

“No,” he shook his head, “that’s not why, try again.”

Heat crawled up my neck and into my ears. I couldn’t help but look at Rey, and my heart began to pound in my chest. “I do need your help, but also because… she called out to me.”

“I did not! Stop saying that!”

Luke looked at me and then back to Rey, “That’s not entirely accurate, Rey.”

“What?” She cast a look of disbelief at Luke, and then she turned back to me, her eyes hostile.

“When you nearly drowned, and I pulled you from the water. I didn’t tell you… the entire way back to the hut you were calling Ben’s name. I wasn't sure exactly what it meant at the time. I thought perhaps you were calling for Obi-Wan, but clearly… well,” Luke stopped, and gave a slight chuckle, “ He answered; he came for you.”

Rey’s eyes softened with Luke's last words, and a wave of longing shot out from her. Sensing she’d let something escape, she curled her lip and tensed her hands on her lightsaber. “But… but what… why would I call out to _him_?”

She was about to come undone; I could feel it again. She had very little control over her emotions. I knew all too well how that felt.

“Perhaps that’s for you two to figure out. Everything is as the Force wills,” Luke walked away from us, throwing up his hands, “This is not how I thought this day was going to go.”

Rey and I stood in silence, waiting for the other to make a move. I remembered that cocky pilot, _So who talks first? You talk first? I talk first?_ I knew it would be me.

“Rey, I…”

“No, you don’t get to talk!” she rushed towards me, stopping so close she had to crane her neck up to look me in the eye, “I don’t want to speak to you, I didn’t call out to you. I don’t care what Master Luke says.”

“I’m sorry,” I managed to say.

“You're sorry!” She bared her teeth and shoved me back with both hands. “Did I hear you right, you're _sorry_?” she pushed me harder, “You need to tell your mother you're sorry, or how about Finn? You forget already about how you mutilated him?”

“He survived, then?” I already knew the answer.

“No thanks to you!”

“I didn’t intend to kill him, or I would ha--”

“What? Run him through like you did Han?”

I winced as Han’s voice echoed in my head, ‘Ben!’.

“Yes! I mean no, but…” I couldn’t respond to that, I didn’t know how to.

Rey threw up her shields, turned, and stomped away.

“Something is happening between us, Rey, and you can't run from it!” I knew it was no use before I opened my mouth. She didn’t even flinch.

Even though she left me with no answers, I couldn’t help but be enamored by her beauty, and fury. It took my very breath away. A strange sensation bloomed in my chest, causing my heart to flutter. What was wrong with me? How would I even begin to sort all this out? Everything had happened so fast.

“I know that look,” A voice chuckled from behind. I turned to meet it and felt my knees give out before I toppled to the ground in shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger!!! Thank you for reading! This was a fun chapter to write. 
> 
> I want to give a shout out to my wonderful teacher and beta @dasfeministmermaid Without her patience and guidance I would have given up long ago. I have worked really hard on each of these chapters and so has she. Please leave me some comments! I love to hear feedback!


	3. Old Family Ties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a visit from a friendly Force ghost, who knows more than he's telling, Luke comes to collect his nephew. Ben has reinjured himself fighting with Rey earlier. Luke takes him to get patched up, but Ben gets a lot more than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously; Ben just got his ass kicked by Rey again. Luke had to break up the fight and Rey stormed off denying she had called out to him. :whispers: she's lying.

_ The cocky pilot, so sure of himself. Admittedly, he was tough, took a beating from one of our best interrogators, and even bested the droid. That’s when they summoned me, to break the unbreakable. No one could resist my tactics, but Hux liked breaking their bones and hearing their blood-curdling screams. I killed out of necessity and command; I took no personal pleasure in it as he did. If I ever wanted to kill for pleasure, Hux would be my one and only target. The pilot was as smug as ever. Snide remarks seemed to roll effortlessly off his tongue as if he had practiced all his witty comebacks in the mirror. Poe hadn’t changed much. He had always been arrogant. When I began, the pilot resisted as I knew he would. What I didn’t know was that he still had unlimited access to the General, my mother. Visions flashed through my mind of the two of them hugging, of her pinning his rank as Commander, her smiling at him with pride. It took everything I had to keep my composure. I slammed his head back into his restraint chair with revulsion. If you had asked me then how I felt, I would have only admitted hate. It wouldn’t be the truth. The truth was much harder for me to swallow; I was jealous. He was the son Leia and Han should have had. Leia had always loved him like her own; she had been friends with his Mother, Shara Bae. We had played together as children, roughed each other up in harmless play fights, hung out at the hanger, tinkering with old ships or retired X-wings, and we flew together as young teenagers. It had become evident to me that my mother had not seen fit to release my true identity to anyone outside the family, not even Poe. If he only knew who stood before him now, he would be completely shocked if not horrified, I’m sure. He was the best pilot in the Resistance only because they no longer had me. They had shipped me away and adopted Poe. I ripped through his mind with a fury, without care of any damage or pain until I got what I wanted. I didn’t care what they did with him afterward, and he was lucky I left him alive. Thankfully, FN-2187 came to his rescue. Or had Poe come to his? Either way, the Force found a way, though I didn’t know it at the time how lucky I had been for it. _

* * *

 

Sitting on the grass, I gawked in awe at the luminous blue being before me. Only once had he made his presence known to me and never again after that. Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled and sat in front of me crisscrossing his legs. A million questions were beginning to manifest in my mind, but I could form no words to make a sentence.

“It’s alright Ben; take a breath,” Obi-Wan grinned.

It took a lot to unhinge me, but the last few days I seemed to be unraveling at the seams. Drawing in a breath just as instructed, I formed my first question.

“What... what look?” I stammered.

“You're lost.”

It was only a two-word reply, but it spoke volumes about how I felt. Obi-Wan was right; I was most certainly lost, and I didn’t know how to move forward from here. Rey hated me. Luke was leaving it up to her and me, to do what exactly, I didn’t know. How could I possibly talk to her? Let alone get her to help me?

“One thought at a time, dear boy,” Obi-Wan soothed, “She doesn’t hate you, quite the opposite, as a matter of fact.”

“Wait, how do you know that?”

A smile spread across his bearded face, “Because she told me so.”

Curiosity was now beginning to get the better of me, “What else did she say to you?”

Obi-Wan shook his head, trying to suppress a laugh. Obviously, this whole situation was amusing to him. “That’s between my granddaughter and me.”

Now, my heart that had been nearly pounding out of my chest only minutes before dropped into my stomach, and I could barely breathe. The look on my face must have said it all because Obi-Wan was nearly beside himself with laughter.

“It’s funny how the Force works,” he chuckled.

“I don’t know how any of this is funny.”

“Ben, one day you’ll look back on this and laugh, I promise.”  He paused for a long moment. “Rey will come to you sooner than you think, and when she does, you need to let her in. She’s hurt just as much as you are right now, and just as lost. Clear your mind. The answers you seek are right in front of you.”

Guilt twisted in my gut, “I did this to us, didn’t I?”

“You both did.”

Before I could get another word out, he vanished. 

Well, that was maddeningly unhelpful. I huffed in frustration. Now I knew where Luke had learned his cryptic nature from. I rolled my eyes and laid down on the grass, gazing up at the mid-afternoon sky. I watched the low-lying clouds pass over, and tried to clear my mind. The adrenaline high from the fight began to diminish, and the injuries from Starkiller base began to flare. A throbbing white-hot pain seared on my side and my face. Automatically, my hand touched my side. I felt moisture, and upon further inspection, I realized it was blood. Must have happened when Rey and I were fighting. At one time, pain had been an ally; now it was an adversary reminding me of what I had done to receive such an injury. It would need to be cleaned and bandaged.

I could hear footsteps padding on the grass behind me.  Constant fighting over the years left me hyper vigilant. Instinctively twisting around to meet the owner, I felt my side rip open. Pain lanced through my body, and white spots flashed in front of my eyes. A grow escaped through my gritted teeth, and I dropped onto my back again. Two large hands scooped underneath my arms, pulling me up to my feet.

“Easy, Ben,” Luke coaxed.

He was the last person I would have ever expect to come to my aid. All the bottled up rage and anger I had held towards Luke for over six years seemed so distant, but not forgotten. There was no hostility I could detect from him; in fact, I felt nothing at all.

“Where’s Rey?” I asked.

Luke remained silent as he helped me walk across the island to a large stone hut with no windows and a single archway for a door.

Once inside, Luke guided me to a cot covered with a dark green blanket and a single pillow. A fire pit sat in the center, and the walls had dozens of shelves filled with old texts. To my surprise, Rey sat across from us at a small round table.

“Arms up,” Luke instructed to me as if I were a five-year-old child. Slightly embarrassed, I glared at him before I obeyed. I winced through the pain, hissing between gritted teeth, as he pulled my tunic up and over my head. I peeled off my arm wraps and tossed them to the side. Rey quickly stood up from her wooden table, making a direct move towards the door.

“Not so fast, Padawan,” Luke ordered.

Rey stopped and stiffened just beneath the archway. As she turned back towards us, she glared in my direction. If looks could kill, I would be dead and then some.

I tried to provide an excuse, “There are bacta patches aboard my shuttle.”

Luke held up his hand, cutting me off.

“This will be good practice for her.” 

e nodded for Rey to join him. Her reluctance was evident, but she didn’t voice any complaints as she knelt beside Luke in front of me.

“Now, just like we talked about,” Luke encouraged, taking her by the hand, guiding it to the bloody open wound in my side; she cringed at the feel of it. I bit my lip trying to hide my pain as her cool hand pressed against it. She kept her gaze fixated at my side, deliberately not looking me in the eye.

Luke sighed loudly, “You two are going to have to make eye contact if this is going to work.”

Rey looked at my face and then back down at the dirt floor, clenching her jaw before drawing a long breath through her nose. The Force swirled around her in a treacherous sort of way. It was easy to identify anger, fear, disgust, but somewhere in the middle of the maelstrom of emotions there was passion, excitement, hope, and...compassion? The latter four were a bit hard for me to believe.

Luke placed his hand on her shoulder, “Remember what you told me?” Rey nodded. “Hold on to that; picture it, and let it flow through you, into him. You have to let go if you are to move forward.” 

Rey slowly shifted her gaze to my eyes.

“Ben, let go, drop your walls. Help her,” Luke urged, before pulling himself off the ground, his old knees giving a loud pop in the process. Then he gave Rey a nod and left the hut.

I knew how this worked but had never practiced it. Force healing required mutual trust. I would need to be open and let her access my very soul; only then could she heal my body. Nothing would ever be a secret again. Not just the weakness and feelings for her, but all of my unspeakable evils. Once all my sins were laid to bare, there would be no going back.  

Remembering Obi-Wan’s words and feeling the pain course through my body like a hot iron, I conceded. Looking up through thick full lashes, Rey’s stunningly fierce eyes anchored onto mine. The very second I dropped my guard, Rey’s light pierced through the darkness like a blazing sun. The stone walls of the hut faded away into the abyss as we both came crashing down onto a forest floor. The air was muggy and thick with the smell of dirt. Evergreen moss covered every gnarled exposed tree root, and birds chirped happily upon their branches. Rey stood before me dressed in traditional Jedi robes comprising of a white overtunic and a black under tunic. Snowy star-shaped flowers speckled throughout her now-unfastened long chestnut hair. Beams of sunlight scattered through the leaves and cascaded down around her, illuminating the flecks of green in her hazel eyes. 

My throat was dry. I was completely captivated by her beauty, unable to will myself to speak out loud. 

_ Takodana? _

“Where we first met.” She shrugged. “Better than the icy hell planet.”  

Rey approached slowly, closing the space between us. It was only then I realized my appearance had not changed like hers. I remained bare-chested in my trousers and boots. Her eyes wandered all over my face as if she were searching for something.

“I need to know. I only caught glimpses before, I... I can’t trust you until...” She paused and looked down at my chest, taking in a small breath. “I just need to see it for myself; then I’ll try to heal you.” 

She wanted permission to look through my mind.

“Or, you’ll hate what you see, and you won't,” I said.

She didn’t respond, but that was the truth; we both knew it. There would be no way for me to know what information she sought without pushing back into her thoughts. The last thing I wanted was to violate the truce we had settled between us. So, I decided then that I wouldn’t.

Chewing on my bottom lip, I gave a small nod.

Rey pushed into my mind with little effort.  She must have picked up the ability from me. Like a true scavenger, I could tell she was leaving no stone unturned. It wasn’t painful, mostly because I was open, allowing her to roam where even my previous master had not. Unconsciously, my eyes settled on her full pink lips. Slightly parted, they seemed soft, like the petals of a flower. 

Before I could help it, I allowed myself to wonder what it would be like to press mine against them. Immediately horrified, I shoved the thought away. Rey tilted her head to the side and furrowed her brow. A brief moment passed before the thought cast itself into her consciousness, and she inhaled sharply at the realization. My heart began to pound, beating mercilessly against my chest. I fully expected her to turn away in disgust, to heave herself out of this dream, and leave me to the mercy of the bacta patches. Instead, the corners of her mouth turn slightly upward, a smirk. I didn’t need to press into her thoughts to know that she enjoyed my reaction and understood entirely the power she held over me. 

Squaring her shoulders, she moved in closer, continuously observing my response.  Lightly she touched my face, tracing her finger slowly down my scar before dragging her thumb methodically across my lower lip. The subsequent touch of her right hand on my wounded side sent shivers down my spine; my skin to prickled, and heat blossomed across my cheeks into my ears. Her heart began to beat in tandem with my own as she slid her hand away from my lips, snaking it around to the nape of my neck. Threading her fingers through my hair, she lightly tugged, encouraging me to lean into her. Our foreheads touched; I could feel her sweet hot breath against my skin, just as she nuzzled her cheek against mine. My breath hitched when her soft lips came to a gentle rest against my ear.

“I see you, Ben Solo,” she whispered.

A rush of searing, unadulterated pleasure pulsed through my body like electricity. I tensed in her arms, and an involuntary breathless groan escaped my lips. My eyes clenched shut; time slowed, I felt like I was drowning and combusting all at once. Grasping the fabric of the back of her tunic,  I almost fall to my knees .  I was left dazed in her equally tight hold. I could feel the wounds radiating with warmth as they mended themselves back together. We lingered in the heart-pounding embrace until the heat between us disappeared.

Slowly and gently she withdrew from my mind, pulling us both back into reality. We were both sweating and panting together, unmoved from our original positions. Her eyes hadn't left mine, nor had her hand. The Force was humming around us, compelling us towards one another. I wanted to reach out and touch her face, pull her close to me, touch her lips with mine. No one had ever looked at me the way she had or touched me like that. I was entirely sure; that was  _ not _ how everyone went about Force healing. I felt what she wanted me to feel. It had been the most intimate and breathtaking moment of my life, and I hadn't even kissed her.

She raised her eyebrows as a beautiful smile bloomed across her face.

“I... I did it.” Rey jumped up to her feet, “I did it!”

She had. The wounds were completely closed;  my stomach was just as smooth and taut as before. A jagged faint pink line wrapped around my side, the only evidence of damage. I felt better than I had in years. Rey was still beaming with pride. It was the first time I had actually seen her smile. Luke re-entered the hut and took a seat at the table. I felt more than a little awkward. How long had we been sitting there?

“Oh, you two were sitting there for at least an hour,” He answered.

I had been so relaxed with Rey; my guard was still down. Quickly, I threw up my walls in complete embarrassment.

“I think... I need some air,” I said before darting out of the hut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben got his Force cherry popped! Hope you guys like this chapter. I was on the Fence about bringing them together so soon. However, they aren't a couple just yet. Rey has secrets of her own she hasn't shared with Ben. Her intentions are clear wink wink. Just for clarification, Rey went beyond Force healing, so this isn't what she had been taught. But Rey isn't fully light either, who said a touch of darkness was all bad? 
> 
> I want to give a shout out to my wonderful teacher and beta @dasfeministmermaid Without her patience and guidance I would have given up long ago. I have worked really hard on each of these chapters and so has she. Please leave me some comments! I love to hear feedback! T


	4. Everything and Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has some explaining to do! Luke is well... hmmm we shall see.

_When the map had slipped through my fingers a second time, I knew it was due to my failings on Jakku. There was no need to wonder who had acquired the Droid; I knew the exact model of ship Mitaka had referred to, and I knew what that meant. Rage ripped through my body, and it was either take off the head of the messenger or the console behind me. Thankfully, for his sake, I chose the latter. Considering the fool was still standing there, I dared to ask what else he had to say, fully expecting to hear more drabble about the infamous rogue Stormtrooper. Of course, that didn’t happen. The very mention of the girl nearly took my breath as I drew Mitaka into my grip. Could it be the girl from the vision all those years ago?  Had the day finally come? Mitaka provided me with no real useful information beyond a girl from Jakku. Regrettably, there would be no time to deliberate on the matter._

* * *

 

The rocky shore was uneven, jagged, and as unwelcoming as the cold void of space. A single smooth and flat onyx stone lay toppled over at the edge of the water. There I sat alone, exposed, half naked and still catching my breath. Grey ocean water lapped the toes of my boots as I tried to cope with the mangled mess of my emotions. A gurgling noise erupted over the roar of the crashing waves. While sedated in the bacta tank, nourishment came artificially, but that had been days ago, and now that I was completely healed, the hunger pains were easier to separate from the other sort. My throat dry as if I had tried to swallow a mouth full of sand. The only way to settle this hunger and thirst would be to return to the seemingly harmless moss covered stone hut at the top of the stairs.

Only. _She_ was there. With him. Presumably talking about me at this very moment.

Why had she done it... _that_ way?  The vision from all those years ago had not prepared me for anything like this. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise; the Force never made itself clear. How could I have been so blind, so consumed with rage that the possibility of this bond eluded my thoughts? Now we would both suffer the consequences of my ignorance. But if this was the result--the price--it didn’t feel like a punishment. At least not to me.  

But what did I feel? Confusion, yes, but there was far more to it than that. Happiness? Was that it? So many years had passed since that had crossed into my consciousness.   _I don’t even remember the last time I felt happy_.

Rey had seen the deepest darkest part of my soul. Yet. She filled me with her light and healed my wounds. I shouldn't have let her do it. She already witnessed exactly what kind of ruthless animal I can be, but to see everything else on top of that... It made me sick to imagine all the faces and all the screams. But despite it all, she called me by my given name.

There was no more beautiful sound in the galaxy than hearing my name come from her mouth. The Force, my body, and my heart cried out for her, but ... _Undeserving, unworthy, you're a monster_. I remained rooted in place.

An invisible tug pulled at my very core through the Force; it was unmistakably Rey. Warm and bright, like the sun after the rain on a dreary day. Concern radiated from her end of the bond, and I tried to mind my thoughts. It was no use. Within minutes, she was upon me, standing only a few short steps behind.

“I’m sorry.” She spoke softly.

“What do you have to be sorry for?” I asked, refusing to face her. Instead, I kept my eyes on the waves crashing into the rocks, hoping she’d walk away.

At first, there was no answer, and if not for the bond, I would have thought she had walked away.

For a few excruciating minutes, she stood silent, watching me. I sensed confusion from her side of the bond as she deliberated her next move. I chewed my bottom lip, wondering if I should tell her to leave or beg for her to stay. Before I could decide either, she took a seat beside me so close her body brushed against my shoulder and thigh.

Rey was cold. Of course she was. Coming from Jakku only a short while ago, there had been no time for her to acclimate to her surroundings.

Ahch-To was deceptively green for such damp and frigid air. The rush of warmth that had seized me earlier was beginning to wane, and I too had goosebumps covering my arms from sitting under the shadow of the rocky cliffs still bare-chested.  

Rey began to shiver as a cool breeze drifted in from the ocean, and she pressed further into my side for warmth. Not knowing if it would push too far, I resisted the urge to wrap my arm around her. Rey’s eyes were burning onto the side of my face. My cheeks began to warm as I nervously turned to meet her fixated gaze. Her eyes showed a mix of longing and uncertainty. Letting out a slow sigh, her eyes softened. The air grew thick with a tenderness that made my stomach flutter. Rey then wrapped her arm around mine, laying her head against my shoulder.

My body stiffened at the gesture--damned instincts--but Rey pushed waves of calm through our bond; she thought of things she loved; the way rain felt against her skin, the smell of the white flowers that covered the island, and flying. With her free hand, she stroked my forearm with a feather-light touch. My skin tingled and prickled in her wake. Suddenly, my body felt boneless. The last time I felt this...relaxed... was when my parents took me to Endor for the first time. No Senate meetings for Leia to attend, no pod-race for Han to run off to- although I did enjoy that, and most of all I didn't have to hide my Force abilities. It was just the three of us for once. That was the last time I was happy.

For a long while, neither of us spoke. We sat huddled together for warmth and watched the waves drift further out as the tide turned.

Finally, I asked, “What changed?”

“Everything. And nothing,” Rey huffed before pushing herself up to walk away.

 _Wow, she_ is _a Kenobi_. I reached up instinctively to grab her hand; as soon as I touched her, my heart stopped. But she didn’t pull away. Rey stopped where she stood, seemingly waiting for me to speak.

“Tell me,” I practically pleaded. I needed answers, wanted to understand.

Rey squeezed my hand, then let go before she took a seat in front of me, averted my eyes, and sat on the ground, “After I cut your face, the darkness--a voice--crept into my mind. It whispered things... it was urging me to kill you.”

When her eyes met mine again, they were filling with tears, and her lips began to quiver as she drew in a long deep breath. “I would have, maybe, if the ground hadn’t ripped apart. But that feeling disappeared when... you looked at me...”

“Rey...” I whispered. _She shouldn’t feel ashamed for that. I deserve it_.

“No, Ben, let me tell you all of it... it’s only fair.” She paused briefly, looking out over the water before continuing her thought. “I... I could _feel_ you. I didn't know why or understand how, but you didn’t want me to leave you behind. I felt it, and, "Her voice began to break, "That’s when I knew...”

“You...” Rey’s breath hitched, and she blinked out two fat tears. “I felt the same when I was left behind. I wanted... to reach out and grab you, but I was afraid, and you were too far. Everything was coming apart around us, and I thought for sure we would all die. When Chewie came with the Falcon, I wanted to take it to you, but when I looked back, the First Order had already began to drag you away. There was no time... and...” Her hand flew to her mouth as she choked back a sob, “Can you forgive me?”

I drew away from her out of pure shock. This strong, fierce woman who owed me nothing was asking me to forgive _her_? What madness was this? Wide-eyed, I could only stare as I tried to find the right words.

I shook my head in disbelief.

“Rey, there is nothing to forgive. You don’t--you owe me nothing.”

Instantly, her arms flew around my neck as she pressed herself into my chest. My body went rigid and my arms locked outstretched awkwardly. No one had hugged me in over twelve years. Not since the last time I saw my mother.

“I know your mind Ben, like I know my own. I saw what you’ve done, and I know your reasons even if I don’t agree with any of it. I felt your pain, the betrayal, and guilt. I know you're sorry.”

“Being _sorry_ doesn’t erase what’s happened, or what I did,” I countered before I gently pulled her arms from around my neck, letting her hands rest in mine; they were so small but worn and calloused. A harsh reminder of the type of life she had lived.

I couldn’t even bear to look her in the eye. I had grown up with privilege and a family, something she should have had, something I had taken for granted. I stroked the backs of her smooth sun-kissed hands with the pads of my thumbs.

My throat began to tighten, and I casually cleared it before speaking, “I haven't even begun to earn forgiveness-- if such a thing is even attainable for what I've done.”

“When I thought I was going to drown, I thought of many things. Finn, Poe, your parents, Luke, Jakku, and what could have been.”

I could have lost her before I even got a chance to know her. My stomach plummeted at the thought.

“Do you know what my very last thought was?” she asked, tilting her head down to try to look me in the eye, “It was you,” she whispered, her voice trembling.

Only after hearing those words did I finally look up at her. I was her last thought? What would compel her to think of me? The only logical reason was the bond. It didn’t matter that my foolish heart wished otherwise.

“I could feel your presence. It was like you were there. You were drowning with me; I could feel your body, the water; your consciousness was faint. I called your name, I reached for you, and I felt you wake up.”

Of all people to call upon in a moment of peril, she had reached for _me_ .. If I _had_ been there...I already knew I would have risked everything to save her.

“That’s when I was flooded with memories that were not mine. They were yours Ben. I saw you as a child, what Snoke did to you, and glimpses of you with your parents.”

My past would never release its hold on me, and now it haunted Rey as well. The guilt tore at me, Rey had only seen the scared and lonely little boy and the predator lurking in the darkness. Of course, that made her feel empathy for me. But, I was no longer that little boy, and the punishments I endured under Snoke were of my own making. I chose to stay with the First Order, and above all, I knew what I did was wrong, yet I had done it anyway.

“Afterward, when I was well enough, Luke tried to help me meditate on it, to sort it all out, but it was overwhelming and confusing. And don’t get me started on Obi-Wan, he’s as obtuse as Luke.”

If the conversation hadn't been so serious, I might have laughed at the Obi-Wan bit.

“I...I’m sorry,” I managed to stutter out.

Rey shook her head, “No, you don’t understand. I felt ashamed and guilty for having sympathy for you after what you did to Finn and Han. I _wanted_ to hate you.”

I remained stoic, but inside, I was beginning to break apart at the confession. Anything she felt for me was artificial, an effect of the bond and nothing more.

“Then you show up wearing that awful mask with whoever the kriff those men were, and I felt...”

“Angry?” I interjected, fully expecting her to nod or to say yes.

Her brows furrowed, “ _Betrayed._  It was as if you were already something more to me. I hadn't expected to feel that. It completely threw me, and then I got angry. I thought you had come here to hurt me, but the second you pulled out that blue lightsaber, everything inside me fell apart. I knew. Somehow, I already knew.”

How could I betray her? What more could I be to her? At a loss for words, I stared at her, holding my breath, awaiting further explanation. She couldn't possibly see me as-- no, it was just the Force, _the_ bond _, and nothing more._

Rey’s hand softly cupped the side of my face with the scar, “When I healed you...” she hesitated briefly. Color began to fill her freckled cheeks as the corners of her mouth turned slightly upward, “Ben Solo swept me away,” she smiled.

A warmth filled my cheeks as I desperately tried not to hope.

“I could hear the way he used to laugh, smell his windblown hair after riding a speeder, I could see how he looked after spending a day under an X-wing covered in grease and grim, and I watched his eyes light up at the sight of... me-- when I took the lightsaber. I wanted you to feel what I felt in that very moment, so I allowed it to pass from me to you. If I went too far, I'm sor...”

I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her to me. My body melted into her warmth. If I held on too tightly, she didn’t complain. There was no misunderstanding what she was trying to say, but it was difficult for me to swallow and believe.

Did I deserve her compassion? No, but I needed it as much as I needed air.

We held onto each other in silence. For a brief moment, it felt as if nothing else existed except us, and I could have stayed wrapped up in her forever.

“You’re cold Ben, come on, let's get you some clothes and food.”

“Ugh,” I groaned.

“You have to face Luke sooner or later; might as well do it now.”

"Wait, you've not told me how you almost drowned."

"Oh, well, um... I can't swim, and I waded out too far," she said.

Rey blushed and toed her boot in the sand, clearly embarrassed, but her child-like demeanor was endearing.

"I can teach you if you'd like," I offered.

"You're hell-bent on being my teacher aren't you?" she chuckled.

I shrugged sheepishly.

"Alright, alright, you can teach me that at least," she smiled.  "Now come on before you get sick."

Reluctantly, I followed her back to the hut where my old master sat waiting with a bowl of stew in one hand and my tunic in his mechanical hand.

Trying not to roll my eyes, I took the tunic and pulled it over my head and refastened the belt. Luke eyed me cautiously when he gave me the soup. Rey was already sitting at the table devouring hers like it was her first meal in days. I slid into the chair across from her and finally began to eat.

It had a familiar bitter aftertaste of milk thistle which had been no surprise. Luke notoriously made food from whatever he could find. Of course, hunger won out over my sense of taste. Four bowls later, I finally had my fill and sat back in the rickety handmade chair.  

“There’s an empty hut on the windward side of the island; that’s where you can stay. We’ll talk tomorrow after you’ve had time to rest,” Luke said.

He did not have to ask, but his tone suggested he wanted me to leave. So after nodding in agreement, I shuffled over to the bed to collect the arm wraps and gloves. After pulling them on, I gave Rey a nod and headed for the door.

 _I’ll come after he’s asleep_ , Rey sends through the bond.

My first reaction was to wonder why she would need to wait until then, but then again, it _was_ Luke we were talking about here, and he and I were not on good terms--possibly neutral--but definitely not good. I didn’t reply through the Force or out loud. There was no telling what Luke could read off of me. Rey seemed to have a clearer idea about that, and it would be something to be discussed later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give a shout out to my wonderful teacher and beta @dasfeministmermaid Without her patience and guidance I would have given up long ago. I have worked really hard on each of these chapters and so has she. Please leave me some comments! I love to hear feedback! Thanks for reading!!


	5. Handle with Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben spend the night together ;-) I said slow burn get your minds out of the gutter!

_My Master grew impatient as I pleaded for guidance and swore I wouldn’t fail again, but it was no use. The insufferable bastard General Hux was looking for a reason to use his pet project to prove his own usefulness to Snoke. I stood by, silent and powerless as the red beam of death charged through space, destroying billions of lives. I felt every single one of them as if they were standing right next to me. The sudden rush of terror, their confusion, the pain, and then, nothing. I displayed no outward emotion, but inside, I was screaming. The irony was not lost on me, that I was bearing witness just as my mother had all those years ago. A painful tradition I knew she would not want for me. For the first time in years, I connected with her in most terrible and beautiful way. Every year on the anniversary of the destruction of her home planet of Alderaan, she stood in front of the public, giving a speech about that day--who she had lost, what she had seen. Outwardly, she was stoic; her voice steady and calm. No one would have noticed the difference, but I did. The amount of pain that she carried was so heavy, I often wondered how she could even stand, let alone speak._

_Deep down, I knew this had been an attempt on her life by my Master; it was a punishment for my failure. I felt a torrent of souls that day, but her soul was not among them. I was relieved, but I knew something darker brewed on the horizon. I would be pushed to do something so heinous, so evil, that even Darth Vader himself was not strong enough to do. If I succeeded, I would be the most powerful Force user to ever live, and all of the light within me would be vanquished forever. The problem was, I wasn’t confident I could pass the test, and I was terrified of what failure meant. But even more afraid of what success would mean. The twisted, melted helmet had given no words of comfort or reassurance. It had given me a vision only once, when I became Snoke’s apprentice, showing me abilities that I could not yet harness while tethered to the side of the Light. I needed to vanquish the light,; only then would I gain total control over my fate. So I thought._

* * *

 

 

The sun was going to set soon, but I had nowhere else to be. The island was small; it wouldn’t take long to get to the other side. There had not been a calm moment until now to just take in my surroundings. “Quiet”, “cold”, and “isolated” were the only three descriptors that jumped to mind. Aside from the occasional call from a lone gull amongst the clouds above, no wildlife had bothered to make their presence known.

Speaking of wildlife, Chewie hadn't bothered to show himself either. Perhaps that was for the best as he would most likely want to finish what he started with the crossbow. I imagined he would be on the Falcon tinkering as usual, but if he had really wanted it, he would have come out on his own and wrapped his furry hands around my neck. I should have been thankful; the fact he had not spoke volumes about the situation. Han wouldn’t want his best friend to kill his only son despite everything, and Chewie knew that. However, I did not disillusion myself to think it was out of anything other than loyalty to my father that my arms were not currently being ripped from their sockets.  A smile involuntarily crept across my face at the thought.

"He really could tear me limb from limb," I snickered.

 _Why am I laughing at that?_ I wondered, a bit bemused. _Just exhausted that’s all_ , I concluded. It really had been a long, weird day.

Little did I know it was about to get weirder. Halfway to my side of the island, the smell hit me like a durasteel wall. There was no need to see it to know exactly what it was; burning human flesh had its own distinct scent. Stepping just beyond the crest of the small grassy hill lay six piles of what remained of the Knights of Ren. The fire had since subsided, but heat still radiated from blackened, charred remains. The only other person on the island who could or would have done this was Luke. He had gathered them up and given them a proper send-off. Each Knight had their own pyre, comprised of washed up driftwood. They had been burned still clad in their black uniforms, but their masks were removed. Mangled helmets, eerily similar to the one kept in my private quarters on the Finalizer, lay upon what could be assumed to be their chests. Slowly, I passed by each one, reciting their given names--their names before they had joined me on what I only now realized was a ridiculous crusade.

“Ethan, Dagos, Bardan, Lan, Karn, Thel.”

Together, we wreaked havoc across the galaxy, looking for relics of old, doing the bidding of the First Order, and for what? I had been their leader; I had been the oldest, the strongest, but I had also been a fraud. Their masks had given them power; they had used them to create new identities, and I had used mine as a crutch, hiding who I really was. They had looked up to me, the descendant of Anakin Skywalker, of Vader, who wielded the Force with ease, nearly rivaling Luke.

Once learning the truth, they were easily swayed, and it had been wrong, not that Luke’s way had been right by any means, but deep down, I knew even then I was taking it too far. Completely blinded by my anger at the betrayal. I rashly made the decision, and, being the selfish boy I was, there was no consideration for what exactly I was pulling them all into. They were far more consumed in darkness than I ever was and, unlike me, they were completely loyal to Snoke.

Luke said they didn’t give him a choice. It was evident in his tone he had tried to reason with them before he ultimately killed them. There had been no hope for them; their lights had completely extinguished long ago. I felt responsible, but less guilty, than I probably should’ve. I lingered only a moment as I passed by the last Knight.

That’s when I realized there were seven pyres, but the last one had not burned. In the place of a body lay my helmet. I stopped in my tracks. Was Luke planning to kill me in my sleep? I stared for a few moments before allowing the paranoia to subside. Luke had left it for me. This is where Kylo Ren would die; all it would take was an igniting spark from the lightsaber still attached to my belt. Only, I wasn’t ready to let him die; it wasn’t that simple or as easy as burning a helmet. This spectacle was a little bit more foreboding for the Luke I once knew. Perhaps he had gone a little odd during his self-imposed exile. He had me to thank for that, or at least that’s what he had told Rey. It was no doubt a sad tale about how I ruined his life’s work.

Sneering at the display, I walked away to the windward side of the island to find a single solitary hut buried beneath moss and overgrowth at the edge of a cliff. Never one to shun hard manual labor, I got to work. It took at least an hour to remove the weeds and another three to stack the stone that had caved in on one side. Of course, I used the Force to aid in the repair, something Luke would have frowned upon. I did it to spite him. I may not been on Snoke’s side any longer, but my allegiance was certainly not to Luke Skywalker.

In the darkness, I gathered sticks and anything worth burning to start a fire. The temperature drop on this island accompanied by the wind was nothing to make light of. After stumbling over various unused stones and rocks, I retrieved enough to start a small fire in the center of my new home. The orange glow from the fire cast eerie shadows along the walls. There was no bed for me to lay on and no chair; the closest thing was a large flat rock sitting at the back of the hut. The floor was dirt. Shrugging to myself, I slumped to the ground and waited for Rey. Watching the yellow flames flicker and dance, the memory of the old Admiral snapped into the forefront of my mind.

“We’ve been played,” Sloane said.

I knew I had been played, twisted to believe killing my own father would anchor me to my cause. Told that after he was gone, nothing would tether me to the light. How wrong Snoke had been, and he hadn't realized his mistake until after I had offered to teach Rey. There wasn’t a single doubt in my mind; it was Snoke who had called out to her, trying to sway her to kill me and do his dirty work for him, the coward. Whatever he had planned for me would have absolutely been worse than death. But how was Sloane played? What did that even mean?

“Can I come in?” Rey called from outside the doorway.

With my thoughts currently locked on the First Order, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Of course, they had no idea where I was, or at least I hoped so.

“How do you know how to do that already?” I asked, pulling myself up from the ground. Cloaking one’s Force signature was one of the most frustrating lessons ever learned; it had taken me four months.

Rey stepped inside wearing a sly smile and shrugged, “Gifted I suppose?”

She was carrying a large bundle of blankets under one arm and a satchel nearly bursting at the seams in the other.

“What’s in the bag?”

“A few ration bars and hygiene items.”

Rey tossed the bag over, and it hit me in the gut as I caught it. A grunt escaped my lips before I could help it. “A _few_?”

“You’re a big guy,” she chuckled.

Stepping around the fire, Rey constructed a makeshift bed, piling the blankets on the ground. She had even brought a pillow. Even in the low light of the fire, it was easy to recognize that all this had come from the Falcon.

“Is that where you stay... on the Falcon?”

“Mmhmm,” she answered, speaking absentmindedly as she finished up her work. “It’s not going to be super comfortable, but it will have to do for now.”

Rey turned and sat on top of my new bed, smiling. The glow from the flames reflected in her eyes, making them glisten like two sparkling stars. Breath hitched in my throat, and my feet felt anchored to the ground. I could not move or breathe. Rey patted her hand on the blanket, beckoning me to sit with her. Trying to act casual as possible, I took the few steps to the blanket and sat down as if she hadn't nearly stolen my breath three seconds prior.

“For now? I don’t think Luke is going to let me anywhere near a better hut,” I contended, straightening myself up.

“Oh, I didn’t mean a hut... I meant the Falcon with me.”

And there went the air out of my lungs again. What? Was she out of her mind? Instinctively my walls went up, not knowing if they would keep her out of my head or not, but it was worth a shot. There was no way I would step foot back on that ship even if she were offering what I think she was suggesting.

Rey lightly touched my hand, “Ben, I’m not trying to read your thoughts; I won't do that unless I ask first okay? There is no need for blocking.”

“Alright,” I croaked out pathetically.  

“If you don’t want to... I…”

“It's not that I don’t want to stay with you, it's…”

“No, I get it, but at some point, we will need to leave here, and well, that’s our only ride.”

“No, it's not; my ship might be salvageable,” I argued, sure I sounded like a whiny child.

“You would rather fix that shuttle than get on the Falcon?”

I nodded.

“Alright. well, maybe I can help you fix it.”

“Yeah, I'd like that... but will Luke allow that?”

“Luke doesn’t control me, Ben,” she snapped.

Okay, that was new. Rey hadn't been the least bit angry or annoyed since she tried--well, _had_ \--beat me up.

“Why didn’t you want him to know you were coming out here tonight? Can he not hear us speak through the bond?”

"From what I gather, he can't hear us through the bond. It's unique to us. We have our own frequency."

Relief washed over me; at least that was private.

"And why doesn't he want you around me after he all but forced you to heal me?"

Rey began to fumble with the edges of her gray vest. Nervousness sang across the bond, but it was not due to me for once.

“He, uh, well, Luke thinks that I am...he said that...” she let out a frustrated huff. “‘Rey, I sense much confusion in you; Ben is still immersed in the darkness. I let you heal him because it was the right thing, but you are susceptible to the dark side, blah blah blah,’” she said in her best impression of what I assume was Luke.  

A smile spread across my face, and, for the first time in what seemed like forever, I laughed. Not just a chuckle, but a full hearty from the belly laugh. Rey covered her face in embarrassment at first but then flashed me a toothy smile in return before doubling over with laughter with me.

“I see he’s still a pain in the ass. He used to tell me, ‘Ben, that is inappropriate use the Force. Ben, stop using mind tricks, we only use that if we have to. Ben, just because you’re able to use the Force doesn’t mean you use it for everything, fold your own laundry, by hand!’”

Rey is was now wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. I continued, but now, I stood, stroking my imaginary beard, pointing my finger at her; Luke always did point a lot.  

“Or how bout this, 'Ben, stop levitating R2; he's getting old!’”

“No wonder he got so mad at me the other day!” Rey chimed in between snickering breaths, “I did the exact same thing!”

We laughed and exchanged Luke impressions until both of our sides began to hurt. Then Rey told stories about Jakku, about all of the destroyers she had scavenged over the years and how she thought we could fix my shuttle. When we got on the subject of flying, she got very animated and excited especially when she mentioned flying the Falcon. It was hard for me to get a word in edgewise, but it didn’t matter. The sound of her voice is was soothing, and I never wanted her to stop. I told her about my custom TIE with all the different modifications. Never in my life, with the exception of Han Solo, did I ever meet anyone so genuinely curious and excited when talking ship mechanics.  When a hint of sunlight beamed through the doorway, Rey got to her feet, and we both stepped out into the twilight.

“I have to go,” she breathed, looking up at me through long dark lashes.

“I know,” I whispered back.  

The wind whipped the wisps of her hair around her freckled sun-kissed face. Everything about her drew me in, from the way sunlight glistened off the hint of moisture on her soft rose colored lips, to the flecks of green against the various shades of gold and umber in her eyes.

It took every ounce of reserve to not devour her mouth right there. My heart began to pound in my chest as she took a step closer; we stood with only inches between us. Gently, I pushed an unruly strand of hair behind her ear. She leaned into me, lifting her chin up towards my mouth. I bent down to meet her, and our foreheads touched. That same warm feeling from the vision we shared crept into my chest and spread like fire through my body. Rey laced her fingers through my hair just behind my ear. Desire radiated through the Force, but I couldn’t differentiate whether it was mine or hers. My lips barely brushed against hers just as an incessant, irritating beeping reverberated off the cliff face and around the hut. It was an all-too-familiar sound.

"Ugh, it's R2," I groaned.

“Luke is looking for you! ” He chirped in binary to Rey.

Feeling like a love-sick teenager, I let out a loud, frustrated growl. In an instant, Rey pulled away and began running towards Luke’s side of the island. Mid-run, she stopped abruptly like she'd forgotten something. Then she turned around to flash the most mischievous, sly smile imaginable. No doubt I looked a disheveled mess. Slowly, my brain came out of the blissful haze long enough to put on the old Solo charm. I gave Rey a smile back and a wink for good measure. She bit her bottom lip before bashfully grinning again. I watched her until she was completely out of view. I turned back towards the abysmal hut; R2 was still standing there.

“I could remove your power supply, you know, or throw you off the cliff,” I narrowed my eyes down at the droid.

“Hey, don’t look at me; I’m just the messenger,” he chirped before rolling back down the path from which he came. "Skywalkers... just did him a favor...” he beeped loud enough for me to hear, along with some colorful slurs.

It was difficult to stay angry though, especially after one of the best nights of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cock blocking droids for the win!  
> I want to give a shout out to my wonderful teacher and beta @dasfeministmermaid Without her patience and guidance I would have given up long ago. I have worked really hard on each of these chapters and so has she. Please leave me some comments! I love to hear feedback! Thanks for reading!!


	6. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Force Ghost come to visit Ben but it's not a happy reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your eyes are not deceiving you... I split up chapter 4 so it added an additional chapter numerically but the content is the same.

_The call had come; the droid was on Takodona, and not wanting to risk failure for the third time, I would acquire it myself. This would be a last-ditch effort at self-preservation and an avoidance of the test. Although I would never openly admit such a thing, not even to myself. Upon exiting my shuttle, I was informed the droid had sought refuge in the forest with the girl. She was easy to find; I just followed the trail of dead Stormtroopers she left in her wake. Her Force signature was blinding; it hummed louder than any other I had ever known. The girl shot first. I wasn’t surprised. I let her fire blindly; her aim was horrible. When I grew tired_ _of the game_ _, I used the Force to freeze her in place. Her expression turned from shock to confusion. She was small, young, dressed in desert garb, but was she ‘her’?_

_I asked her where the droid was, but she refused to answer. So, I resorted to the next tactic, one that would give me the results I wanted whether she liked it or not. Lightly, I skimmed the edges of her mind and quickly realized she had seen the map with her own eyes. There was something else, something beneath the surface, and it drew me in as if there was an invisible string pulling me down._

_Before I could push further, we were interrupted, but I wasn’t interested in what the Resistance had in mind. Part of me knew that my mother may be on her way; the other knew my father was already near. I could have called for backup, but...this new situation needed to be handled with care. The need to know who this girl was and to understand this feeling outweighed the need for the Droid or anything else. Extracting the map shouldn’t be too difficult, and Snoke would be pleased. Swiftly, I lulled her into a Force sleep, taking her into my arms, not trusting any one of Hux’s minions to not damage her._ _I looked down at her sleeping face, so soft and delicate compared to the harshness of war. In my musings, I become deaf to the battle that still raged around me. Nothing mattered more than the girl._

* * *

 

“Ben, get up; it's nearly mid-afternoon; you can’t possibly need that much sleep,” Luke grumbled.

“Ugh,” I groaned, rubbing my hands over my face and eyes before rolling off the small bed Rey had made for me. Slowly, I emerge from the hut. My clothes were thick with the smell of smoke, and I know I’m not nearly as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as Luke may have expected.

Standing there with his familiar self-righteous stance, Luke eyeing me with suspicion.

“Well, I see nothing's new with you,” I said, rolling my eyes right to his face.

“Hmph, well, the same could be said about you--lazy and arrogant as always.”

All I wanted to do was go back to bed, even though part of me just wanted to get it over with. “What did you want to talk about again?” I asked, even though I knew.

Luke crossed his arms and glared, “Don’t play coy with me, what exactly did you think would happen once you got here?”

“I don’t know, that you or Rey would probably try to kill me, but after that, you’d help me.”

“What happened?”

“I woke up in a bacta tank; Rey woke me up.” My hands involuntarily ran through my hair as I continued to explain how the tank broke. Then I mentioned the name Rae Sloane, Luke shifted his stance and cocked his head to the side curiously.

“She’s been feeding information to your mother for years if what you’re telling me is the truth.”

I shrugged, “I have no reason to lie.”

“Don’t you?” He huffed. “You’re a wanted fugitive, Ben.”

“No, Kylo Ren is.”

Luke screwed up his nose at me, “And what makes you think that no one knows the two of you are the same person.”

Raising my brows in mock surprise, I let the contempt I felt leak into my voice, “Oh, besides our family history of betrayal and lying to save face? Yeah, I think it’s a safe bet mother hasn’t let slip that her only son turned against the Legendary Golden Boy of the Resistance.”

“Ben, you know that’s not what happened.”

“Look, I don’t want to argue; it doesn’t even matter anymore,” I said, turning back toward the hut, picking the moss off the stones like it was something that needed to be done. The distraction was useless. A burning ache had gathered at the back of my throat. The same one I had constantly been swallowing for the past few days. “I can never make up for what I did,” I faintly murmured.

Glancing at Luke out of the corner of my eye, I watched his proud shoulders slump.

Finally, with a shaky voice, he asked the one question I didn't want to answer.

“Why, Ben?”

My eyes burned with fresh hot tears that threatened to fall at any moment. _Force, not now, I can’t do this now._

“But if not now, Ben, when?” asked an unfamiliar voice from behind me.

A very young Jedi, with the same blue luminous glow most Force ghosts shared, stared directly at me.

Luke looked at the young man and then back to me, his eyes widened. “I’ll let you two talk.” Luke purposely averted his eyes as he hurried away.

Luke had always been a little eccentric, and I knew he had gone a bit funny in his isolation, but something about the way he removed himself from the current situation rubbed me in all the wrong ways.

After he had disappeared over the grassy knoll, I turned my attention back to the Force ghost. Curiously, I examined his face. A prominent feature captured my attention--a scar. It was nearly an exact match to mine, but farther to the right.

_Why did he look so familiar?_

“You know why, Ben; search your feelings, and it will come to you,” he said, crossing his arms.

Taking a shaky step forward, I continued to examine his face. The young Jedi’s eyes were the same shape as mine…Was he--he _was_ \--my blood boiled, and a sheen of sweat quickly accumulated on my skin. Uncontrollable rage radiated through my body to a degree I hadn’t felt since Starkiller.

“You…” I seethed through gritted teeth. Stomping forward I finally erupted, “YOU! How dare you show yourself to me now!”

Anakin made no movements as I screamed into his face. Han’s voice echoed through my head, “ _Anything_.”

“I called for you,” my voice broke, and I felt my anger quickly dissolving into despair.

“Where were you when I needed you?” My fists clenched at my sides so tightly my fingernails broke the skin.

“I was always there, Ben,” He answered calmly, ignoring my proximity to his face. If he were physically real, our noses would be nearly touching.

Blurry eyed and finally reaching my limits, I screamed, “LIAR!”

Tears spilled freely from my eyes, and the more I cried, the angrier I became.

So many nights I sat alone in the cold sterile room on the Finalizer, staring at the mangled melted helmet, hoping _he_ would answer.  On the last night before I faced my father, I was on my knees before it, begging for an answer, for guidance-- for mercy. I didn't want to kill my father, I had finally admitted. I didn't know what to do. My mind wanted to go through with it and sever the connection to my old life forever, but my heart wouldn’t let go. I was being torn apart.  

 

“I asked for you over and over. You answered me with nothing except SILENCE.” My breath hitched as I tried my damnedest to regain some sort of control over myself.

“That should have been your first clue, young one.”

_Damn smug bastard._

“Young one’? How old are you, exactly? And why the hell do you look like that?”

 

“I was 23 years old when I turned my life over to the darkness,” he answered.

 

“Then you're hardly in a place to judge me.”

“Oh, grandson, I beg to differ; I spent nearly twenty more years of my life living in the darkness.” Anakin’s eyes grew darker, and his brow creased. “You think killing your father was terrible? I killed my own _wife_. I was the reason my children grew up without their mother. I killed so many; there is no way to know how many.”

“Are we in a dick measuring contest now?” I taunted.

“You are still mingling deep in the darkness even though you don’t know it. You think because you feel remorse for what you’ve done, you no longer live in the dark?” Anakin began pacing in front of me “I felt remorse every single day for what happened to your grandmother. I dreamed of her, of what might have been, but it wasn’t enough!”

“What do you want from me!”

“I want you to realize that, yes, you’ve done terrible things, but that doesn’t make you unworthy of living. I know deep down, you don’t believe you can repent for what you’ve done, but you couldn’t be more wrong. So don’t fall into despair the way I did. Your father wouldn't want y--”

“--Don’t you dare talk to me about Han,” I snarled, “I begged you to help me, pled. Where were you when I needed you? Why didn’t you stop me?”

I looked down at the ground and remembered that final night once more. My hands clutched the sides of the helmet, my voice raw, “Where are you? Grandfather please help me. I… I can’t do it. There has to be another way. I don’t have the strength. I can’t do this. You have to show me the darkness, I need to see its power again. I can’t go back to the light-- it’s too late.”

“Ben, I was there, but you kept asking for Darth Vader. I am no longer that monster. The vision you received from my helmet was not of my making. It was the Force. Your interpretation of it led you to your fate, not my lack of intervention.”

“So it was only a matter of getting the name right, is that it? That’s why you left me alone when I felt the light-- wanted to go home?”

_He wouldn’t answer because I got his name wrong. Gods, he was arrogant._

“You still didn’t want me; you wanted the darkness. I can’t present myself in front of darkness. I desperately wanted to; I couldn't.”

“Then how the hell are you standing in front of me now, if I’m still so deep in the darkness!” I mocked.

“Rey,” he answered, cocking his head at me.

“What?”

“Rey is connected to you through a Force bond so strong... we’ve never seen anything like it. Nevertheless, her light grants you access to me now.”

Anakin let out a long, sad sigh, “Ben, you two will be so powerful, you will be able to do what I could not.”

Always riddles. Do Force ghost lacked the capacity to be direct? If what I saw in the vision was incorrect, what the hell was he on about now?

“And, pray tell, what exactly was that?”

“You’ll balance the Force.”

“Yeah,” I snorted, “and how do we do that?”

Only then did the smug, cocky look Anakin had at the beginning of our conversation return. “If I told you; it would take all the fun out of it. Obi-Wan and I have a bet going; I’m not going to give him a leg up.”

“Don’t torture the poor boy, Anakin,” Obi-Wan half-heartedly scolded as he appeared to his right.

If I rolled my eyes any harder, they might never return from the back of my head. “Oh great the Skywalker-Kenobi duo together again, big whoop.”

The two ghost looked at each other knowingly before turning their gazes back to me.

“What?” I asked, a bit puzzled.

“That’s exactly what you two are now, my boy. You’re still a Skywalker even if you carry the Solo name. Rey is a Kenobi, and a princess, I might add.”

Obi-Wan turned to grin at Anakin, raising his eyebrows, “What were the odds?” Obi-Wan laughed.

“Told you she was your girlfriend, hypocrite.” Anakin jeered.

Obi-Wan glared at Anakin before taking a step closer towards me, and his tone changed to a more serious one, “Ben, it’s okay to grieve your father. I know you feel you can’t, but all of us return to the Force, even if we can’t all manifest as the Jedi can. Your father is with you; reach out to him, you might be surprised.”

“How… How would I do that?”

“Think of him, what he meant to you. Memories are powerful; use them to your advantage,” Anakin answered, his tone also growing more sensitive.

The knot in my throat returned, so large it made it difficult for me to swallow. “I don’t think… I’m not strong enough to do that. I can’t. You know I’m a coward; I killed him. I looked him in the eyes, and I killed him.” Confessing out loud nearly gutted me.

_I’d had the audacity to ask my father for help, and he’d responded without a beat, “Anything.”_

My knees crashed into the rocks. They didn’t understand.  I looked at the two legendary Master Jedi’s pleadingly.

_I don’t think I can take any more of the pain._

Obi-Wan dropped down to one knee before me and met my eyes. “That’s where Rey comes in.”

“I can’t drag her through that again, even if she’s forgiven me.”

A small smile perked up the corners of Obi-Wan's mouth, “That’s exactly why you need her. She will need you too before it’s over with.”

“Before what’s over with?” I asked.

“That’s for you two to figure out,” Anakin playfully called out over Obi-Wan’s shoulder.

“Damn you two old fools why can’t you just say what you mean and mean what you damn well say?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Anakin flashed a cocky grin and they both disappeared.

Alone, I sat where they left me, picking at the short blades of grass mulling over their words. Was it possible to reach out to Han through the Force? The thought made me snigger to myself a bit. If anyone hated the Force, it was Han Solo. “Hokey religion” he used to call it until Luke showed him exactly what it could do. Then I came along and ruined his prospects for a normal family and child. Even if I _could_ reach him, he wouldn’t answer. Not to me.

“Ben?” Rey called softly.

My mind had been so distracted I didn't hear her walk up behind me. When I turned to look up at her, the sun was shining right behind her silhouetting her in a golden halo. Gods, she was so beautiful.

“You look like an angel.”

Rey’s face lit up, and she smiled coyly. “Laying it on thick already I see.”

I quirked an eyebrow, “I am a Solo.”

  



	7. Memories of a monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben takes Anakin and Obi-Wan's advice. He meditates on his past in hopes that it will bring peace. But will it?

_Once in the interrogation room, I let her sleep. I could have woken her, but something was soothing about her presence, so I waited, and all the while I tried to unravel what it was I was sensing.  When she awoke, I was intrigued by her defiant nature. A prisoner chained, and utterly helpless, yet she remained rebellious. I wasn’t surprised she wanted to kill me; I was surprised she wasn’t afraid or at least not as afraid as she should have been. Then, she called me a monster. She wasn’t wrong; I was, in fact, a monster and much more._

_Intimidation was not going to work with this one. I knew I could force answers from her. But I didn't want to. Consequently, I did something I hadn’t done for anyone, especially a prisoner of war-- I removed my helmet. Standing to my full height, I watched her expression carefully as I skimmed the edges of her mind. I tried not to smirk, but it satisfied me purely on a primal level she had found me handsome. She quickly buried the thought. When I asked her about the droid, she gave me an expected coy childish answer, but I was done playing games. How did she get the droid to give up such vital information? As I queried this out loud, I called her what she was-- a scavenger, and it struck a nerve; she blushed and looked away in embarrassment. I moved on, hoping she would comply, but she refused to give in. I gave one final threat; I could take whatever I wanted. I didn’t want to rip through her mind, not in the way I had all the others._

_There was no need to hurt her if I didn’t have to, so, I began as gently as possible. Rummaging through her memories, feelings, and thoughts,_ _I stumbled upon the thousands of tally marks scratched on the wall, and the feeling of overwhelming sadness-- a prisoner of her own device_ _._ _This defiant young woman was so lonely, and afraid to leave-- Jakku? No, not Jakku-- she desperately wanted her family to come back for her. I saw a lonely child who cried herself to sleep nearly every night, starving and wondering what she could have done so wrong to warrant being abandoned._

_I didn’t expect to see the image of my father, but it was tied to her longing for a family, the need for a father.  How so alike we were, and yet so different...or were we? I warned her to let it go, Han Solo would only disappoint her, and I would know. This confession of mine made her angry; she didn’t like to be vulnerable. Pulling away, I refocused on my goal.  I began to push again, and she strained to keep me out. Something passed between us, like a current, I felt the string pulling me toward her again. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, but it was oddly familiar. It frightened her, and before I could help myself, I tried to ease her fears. “Don’t be afraid; I feel it too,” I said. In all honesty, I had no idea what it was, but I continued to chase it through her mind. It was like a ghost, vanishing into smoke every time I thought I had it in my grasp._

_Again the map was only aforethought, and I didn’t even feel her delve into my consciousness. Lurching forward, she spoke my deepest darkest fear out loud, “You--you're_ afraid _… that you’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader!” I retreated immediately, barely able to speak or breathe, as ice filled my veins.  Her nostrils flared, and her hazel eyes bore into mine with satisfaction. She had seen me for what I was, and it scared the Hell out of me. I left the room quickly, reclaiming my helmet. Outside the door, I attempted to gather my thoughts. No one had ever resisted; no one had_ ever _gotten inside of my head. No one except Rey, the scavenger from Jakku._

* * *

 

  
The afternoon sun was warm and glowing as brightly as the smirking girl standing above me. All of the gloom faded away the instant she smiled, and, for a second, I forgot the seriousness that surrounded my every waking moment.

Rey set her hands on her hips,“So, are you going to tell me why you're so upset?”

 _Annnd, now the feeling was gone._ “I’m not upset.” I was pouting.

 

Rey raised her eyebrows.

 

I ignored her and tried to change the subject. “What are you doing here anyway? Won’t Luke be upset?”

 

She drew in a long breath, “Well...No, not anymore, thanks to our grandparents.”

I drop my face into my hands and groaned, “What did they do?”

“Anakin appeared and said something about this is how it all started with him; I didn't get a chance to hear much more before Obi-Wan came, but Luke wasn’t happy about it.” She snickered. “Oh, and Obi-Wan asked me to meditate with you.”

 

“Ugh,” I moaned, rubbing my hands over my face. “They want me to meditate about my father, to find some sort of peace. I don’t know if I can-”  
  
“We can do this; I can help you!” Rey chirped happily. Her optimism on the matter was a little nauseating, or perhaps it was me anticipating the pain to come.

“I’m supposed to go down memory lane, I suppose,” I said.  

Rey tapped her finger against her lip, “Hmmm well, maybe start from your earliest good memory?”

Rey sat in front of me, crisscrossed her legs, and held out her hands for me to take. My heart rate already began to accelerate at the thought of touching her again. I kept my eyes on the ground, afraid to look her in the eyes lest mine give me away. I held back a feeling brewing somewhere deep inside I couldn't and wouldn't put a name to. I pulled my gloves off with my teeth and wiped my sweaty palms on my trousers before I slid my hands into hers.   

 

“You will be able to see what I see, I think... I know the theory behind it from…” I took a breath, “from when I studied under Luke, but I’ve never done this before.”

 

“It’ll be okay; we’ll figure it out.”

 

Where she acquired her never ending supply of optimism I may never know. How could someone who had faced so much be so forgiving and understanding? I had a bad feeling about this, but the hopeful look in Rey’s eyes compelled me to comply. I found myself unwilling to disappoint her. I let a slow breath and nodded, signaling I was ready, then closed my eyes. Rey’s Force signature pulsed like a beating heart and I focused on her light as I let my mind drift back to my childhood home on Chandrila.

 

*******

The smell of freshly baked vanilla cake still hung in the air as I watched my mother put the final touches on my fifth birthday cake. Blue icing had dried on her forearm, and flour dusted the side of her face. She had been up all night making the three-tier concoction, insisting she needed to do it herself to mark the occasion--to make it special.  I started to stick my finger into the side of the cake before she swatted me away. I had already tried to get a taste at least four different times.

“Ben, no, what did I tell you!” Leia scolded.

Large broad hands wrapped around my middle, lifting me up high into the air as Han placed me on his shoulders.

 

“Come on, little bandit; let's go outside. I have something for you,” he chuckled.

A large wooden crate sat in the middle of our yard, unopened. Han put me down and walked over to it.

“Your mother thinks you’re too young for this,” Han says prying open the lid, “but I had one when I was about your age.”

 

Pink puffy packaging foam spilled out all over as he pulled out a small red Joben T-85 Speeder bike. It took him a few moments to assemble the power supply, but as soon as the small engine gave a low purr, he sat me on the seat. My little legs were barely long enough for my feet to touch the foot pegs. There was a proud gleam in Han’s eyes as he explained the controls. I gripped the handles tightly trying to take in everything he was saying. I stared in awe at him, completely mesmerized; there was nothing Han Solo couldn’t do. I wanted more than anything to be just like him. I had to make sure I did this just right so he would want to take me with him the next time he went on a run or to a pod race.

“Alright kid, to go forward you press this lever on your right,” he tapped my hand, and to slow down you squeeze this lever on your left.” Han was beaming; I don’t know who was more excited, him or me.

“Go on, give it a gentle squeeze.”

Being five, the concept of “gentle” wasn’t completely understood. In a flash, the little speeder bike took off across the yard.

Han yelled frantically behind me. “Turn Ben turn!”

I tried to do as he said but inadvertently speed right past my mother and caused the cake she was carrying to fly out of her hands. I remembered the brake and squeezed the handle and finally came to an abrupt stop. When I turned to look at my parents-- Han was on his knees covered in blue icing and bits of fluffy white cake. Leia had her hands over her mouth in shock.  
I felt the tears beginning to pool into my eyes, but I’m not upset because the cake fell, I’m afraid-- afraid I just made my mother sad and my father angry.

“It was an accident; I’m sorry mommy!” I choked out.

But my mother’s stunned face grew into a wide smile as she looked at her husband, and then she burst into uncontrollable laughter. It was then I knew everything would be okay. Han took a piece of the cake from the sleeve of his brown leather jacket and placed it in his mouth.

“It’s good,” he shrugged and looked helplessly at my mother.

“I told you my little angel isn't old enough for a speeder bike,” Leia said.

Then she turned to me, still standing across the yard, relieved but unsure if my father would be upset with me.

 

“It’s alright, Ben,” she soothed, “come get what’s left of your cake.”

I slowly pushed the bike back to the crate and looked at Han.

“Ah kid, it's fine, I haven’t heard your mother laugh that hard in a long while,” he chuckled.  
A devilish gleam flickered in his eyes. “But you're not getting off that easy--c’mere!” Han laughed and pulled me into a cakey hug, smearing icing on my cheeks.

 

*******

 

Rey giggled out loud, her voice was like wind chimes against the winds of the island.

 

“Another one,” she asked, squeezing my hands. I felt a flutter in my stomach at her touch but quickly pushed the feeling away and focused on the next memory.

 

                      ***

I was nine years old and on the Falcon sitting in the co-pilot's chair right next to my father as we coasted into the atmosphere of Tatooine. It was the first time Han had ever let me come on a run with him, and it was even more exciting because it was just the two of us. It took days of sweet talking from Han and a lot of pleading from me for Leia to finally give in.

“Now, when we go inside, stay close,” Han said with a stern tone as he sat the Falcon down in the docking bay. “And no funny business, this game is serious I can get a lot of credit for the prize.” He added shutting the engines down.

I nodded silently and looked down at my boots. Han pretended not to notice my sulking and gave me a hard pat on the back. “Alright, if we make out good on this, I’ll let you try some Corellian whiskey.”

 

My spirits immediately lifted. “Really!”

 

He stopped and held up his pointer finger to me, “Just don't tell your mother.”

 

The hot dusty streets of Mos Eisley were a stark contrast from the streets of Hanna city or even Coruscant. I couldn't help but stare at all of the different seedy looking aliens and species that I had never seen before. I was a little afraid, and everyone else seemed to be as well because the moment we came into view, they all would step aside or look the other way. I knew my father was a hero and a legendary smuggler, but I never witnessed the amount of fear and respect he commanded from those who knew his reputation.

 

We entered a small but bustling cantina on the edge of town called Chalmun's Spaceport. It was loud with chatter and music played from a band in the far left corner. Now I understood why Han had told me to keep close. Every person inside looked like they would kill if you looked at them the wrong way. I had a deeper appreciation for their motives. I could sense their hatred and malcontent for Han-- it made my skin crawl.  Han took a seat at a table in the far right corner.  Smugglers and hustlers of all sorts gathered around spectating Sabacc, a card game I had watched my father and Chewie play my entire life. I knew how to play just as well they did. I stood behind my dad as the face value of the cards was declared and placed onto the table in the suspension field. The prize, a small blue pouch, was tossed into the center of the table. Han leaned back towards me and in a hushed voice he named the players, “That’s Merc Sunlet, to the right, a well-known thief, smart as a whip. Beside him is Ketwol; he oversees the games; I’ve done some business with him a time or two before. The Lutrillian to his left is Ownellco, I don’t know much about him, keeps to himself. Next to him is Ponda Baba, had a run in with him years ago. He tried to beat up your uncle Luke until the man you're named after removed his arm for him.” Han chuckled, “He’s not a fan of mine to say the least.”

 

For a long moment, they all stared at each other before revealing their hands. My father grinned, and yelled, “Pure Sabacc!”  

 

“Looks like we have a winner!” Ketwol declared.

 

As my father received a few pats on the back I noticed the suspension field flickered slightly. The movement was so quick no one would notice-- no one except for me.

“Not so fast,”  Merc Sunlet said revealing his hand, “I have an idiot's array!”

 

An idiot's array was the only hand in Sabacc that could beat my father's. Ketwol looked at Merc’s hand and nodded in agreement, “Yes, he does indeed have idiot's array.”

 

Something about them didn't set well with me, aside from the fact they were less than moral; they were rife with deceit. I reached across the table through the Force and pushed into Merc’s mind. He most definitely had cheated, and Ketwol was in on it as well. They had manipulated the suspension field which caused the flicker, and changed the hand.

 

“He cheated!” I yelled loudly as I pointed my finger at Merc.

 

I didn't know it at the time, but the word _cheat_ in any capacity was the dirtiest word to speak out loud amongst thieves, and to call someone out for cheating was all but signing their death warrant. If the accuser was wrong, they would be shot on sight. The music abruptly stopped, a few glasses shattered on the ground, and Han grimaced at my words. All eyes were on me now, and I shrunk down behind my father.

 

“Solo, is that yours?”  Ownellco snarled.

 

“Yeah yeah, I got this…” Han turned around and glared at me. “What are you doing Ben, are you trying to get us killed?” He whispered through gritted teeth.

 

“He cheated dad, he really did…”

 

Han pressed his lips into a thin line. I knew it was a warning, I had better be telling the truth.

 

“I swear, there was a flicker in the suspension field, I saw… and then, and then…” I didn't want to say it but I had to let him know I _really_ did know. “I looked…” I winced as I said the words. Han knew what I meant and his shoulders slumped as he let out a sigh.

 

“You're sure?”

 

I nodded.

 

Han returned his gaze back to the Sabacc table, and with a quick draw his blaster was out of its holster and directly pointed at Merc.

 

“My son tells me that you’ve tampered with the suspension field.”

 

“Your son’s a terrible liar just like you, Solo,” Ketwol grunted, drawing his blaster from its holster but kept it at his side as a warning.

 

Han slowly stood, planting his free hand on the table with a loud smack, “My boy _doesn't lie_.”

 

I had seen my father angry but not like this. When he and mom fought it, was loud but the tone in his voice just now frightened me.

 

Merc stood and drew his blaster and pointed it at me. I froze and looked up to Han for some sort of cue to run or duck, but, instead, he winked.

 

“Do your thing, kid.”

 

I couldn't contain the smile that spread across my face as I turned towards the angry duo. Merc tilted his head in confusion at my sudden change from fear to elation. With a flick of my wrist, Ketwol and Merc’s blasters were ripped from their grasp and now rested in mine.

 

Han looked down at me beaming with pride. “Hold’em up, right at their heads.”

 

I complied as Ownellco checked the pockets of Ketwol.

 

“The little one is right, here--” He held up a small remote, “He’s manipulating the hands.”

 

The two cheaters were escorted out of the cantina never to be heard from again. Dad collected what he had come for and stopped in the doorway.

 

Han sighed, “Ben, you're gonna have to do the _other_ thing.”

 

I turned to face the patrons of the cantina and held up my hand, “You saw nothing out of the ordinary.” In unison they repeated my words, but I didn't stop there. “Han Solo is the best smuggler in history!”

 

“Alright, alright, that's enough, Ben,” Han laughed as he pulled me by the scruff of my shirt out into the street. But not before we heard them repeat my last command.  

“You know, you're right; I should bring you with me more often.” He tousled my hair.

 

“Because I’m good in a fight?”  I asked, running to keep up with his long strides.

 

“No,” Han smirked and shook his head, “That was the best game of Sabacc I've played since I won the Falcon, and not because I got what I came for....it’s because _you_ were with me.”

 

Han Solo was a man of few meaningful heartfelt words, but that was the biggest compliment he could have given me. I felt as tall as he was.

 

“What did you win?” I asked.

 

Han stopped just in front of the ramp to the Falcon and shook a ring with to round blue stones from the bag.

 

I wrinkled my nose at the piece of jewelry that nearly costs us our heads. “ _That’s_ worth a lot of credits?”

 

“No not credits Ben-- _credit_ . This is a ring from Alderaan; your mother is going to love it.”

“Ohhhhh,” I said, trying to feign interest.

 

“You did good, kid,” Han grinned, “I think I owe you a drink.”

If I had known what the favored drink of my father actually tasted like, I would have passed up on the offer. Han hooted and laughed until tears streamed down his face when I took my first drink which ended up being my last.  I spit what I didn't swallow out all over the durasteel floor of the Falcon and gagged loudly. For the life of me, I never understood what about that awful drink Han enjoyed.

*******

 

Rey attempted to suppress her laughter, but I could hear small gasps escaping her lips. I crack open a single eyelid to find her red-faced with scrunched-shut eyes, laughing silently.

 

*******

The next memory I drew upon was my first flying lesson in the Falcon. I’m twelve, sitting in the pilot's seat of the Falcon. Dad had only ever let me co-pilot before, and now he sat in my usual place.

 

“Okay tell me again what is the startup sequence?” he asked.

 

I went over the various switches and buttons that started the Falcon. We had been over it at least twenty different times.

 

“Dad, I know how to fly,” I groaned.

 

“I know you know how to fly X-wings; this is different Ben. The Falcon’s old,” he patted the control panel, “she takes a certain amount of finesse.”

 

“C'mon Dad,” I whined.

 

“Okay, start ’er up.”

 

“Finally,” I said.

 

I zipped through the startup sequence quicker than Han ever had. Han followed suit with his co-pilot switches, and in minutes we were off.

 

I wasted no time pushing the old ship as fast as I could get her to go. I weaved in and out of the Coruscant traffic before barreling down towards the street below, just to get a rise out of my old man.

 

“That’s enough messing around, Ben, pull up,” he droned, in an attempt to remain indifferent, but I could feel his anxiety rising the closer we got to the bottom.

 

“Kid, you get one scratch on this ship and I'll have you waxing it by hand.”

 

I laughed harder.

 

“ _Ben_ ,” he warned.

 

At the last second, I pulled up and whipped behind the Senate building, causing a few minor traffic accidents, and possibly the beheading of the statue of the chancellor. I didn't need to see her to know that my mother stood in her office, staring out the window in horror. Dad was going to get it when he got home, for sure. When I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, he was grinning ear to ear. Up here, it was just us and the ship, no one to tell us what to do or how to act. We were Solo men doing what we did best, flying and causing a ruckus. I pushed the Falcon through the atmosphere into space.

 

“Do you think that I could pod race when I come of age?” I asked.

 

There wasn't anything I wanted more than to fly and to race, but, most of all, to make him proud.

 

“I don’t see why not; you’ll win the Five Sabers your first year, being a Solo and a Skywalker; kid, it's almost unfair,” he laughed and slapped my shoulder, “almost.”  

 

“And you’ll be my coach right, you’ll put me on one of your teams?”

 

I couldn't fathom not being under his direction, he knew the races, and the pilots. It's why he was always gone--why he left me behind. Now I would be of good use to him; we would finally be the Solo team. I often joked about our oxymoronic team name. Han always rolled his eyes, but I knew deep down he was amused by it.

 

“I wouldn't be nice to ya, and I won't pay you very much.” He held his stoic expression until I smiled at him, and his card face broke into a grin.

  
My cheeks hurt from all the smiling I had done that day.

                    ***

 

Rey's excitement over the last memory was bleeding into me through our linked minds. A thousand questions bubbled up inside her about pod racing and the Five Sabers but she maintained her composure and refocused on me.

 

“Just one more Ben, something is happening. Every time you feel happy, a warmth surrounds us. Keep going!”

 

**  
** *******

Han had been chomping at the bit for me to learn to shoot a blaster, but my mother wouldn't let him until I reached ten standard years. She wanted me to have a normal upbringing, free of violence. My father argued that he was seven when he got his first blaster and they weren't doing me any favors by not teaching me to defend myself. Ultimately, my mother got her way, and at first light on my birthday, Han took me to the shooting range.  He lined up the targets on the far end of a clearing. Then he went over where the safety latch was located, and showed me how to properly hold it.

“Now, it’ll give a little kick, so hold it pretty firmly,” he instructed.

 

As I lined up the target in my sights, I could feel how excited he was, and how nervous.  

 

“Gently squeeze the trigger, don’t jerk it...”

 

I did as he instructed and hit the target dead center every time. Han didn't say so, but I knew he attributed my aim to the Force. He tried to make it harder by moving them further back and putting them at awkward angles. I wasn't  trying to use it to my advantage, but it was part of who I was. Then he showed me how to stand correctly and draw it from the holster without it getting caught up.

 

“Now remember; they’ll be shooting back at you, so you’ll have to be quick.”

 

It took me a couple of times to mimic him just right, but I finally got it. Then he made me draw and fire at the targets, I didn’t quite get every single one dead center, but Han didn’t care. His smuggler smile spread across his face nearly the entire day.

“Kid, you did good.  Keep the safety on...”

“Yes sir,” I said.

“You know I got you a little something to go with it; hold on,” he said, disappearing into the Falcon. When he returned. he had a small white box. There was no elaborate wrapping or fancy bow, it wasn’t his style-- nor mine. Inside lay a bantha hide blaster holster just like his.

“You-- you like it?”

“Like it? I love it, thanks dad!” I said and pulled him into hug. It wasn’t awkward or half of a hug. Han held me tight like he use to do when I was really small. I find myself clutching the back of his shirt and burying my face into his shoulder. This was way better than the blaster or the holster.

*******

But as the good memory began to fade away, the joy turned into agony. The sound of Han’s hearty laugh felt like a thousand splinters puncturing my eardrums. How was this supposed to _help_? This was a terrible idea. Why would the two old Jedi put me through this? It was the happiest memories that hurt the most; they cut the deepest. Was this some cruel joke? Just to remind me of what I had and what I was--.

Suddenly Rey gripped my hands tighter. “Do you feel it?”

A wave of warmth spread through my chest, dulling the pain, and the tension in my muscles relaxed as if I had been hit with a strong anesthetic.

 

“Concentrate. Ben; don’t let that feeling go,” she instructed.

*******

I kept my eyes closed and did as she said. The familiar smell of Corellian whiskey and old worn leather imbued my senses.  Out of nowhere, a memory not of my making flickered into view. I stood in the doorway of a room with pale blue walls painted with white fluffy clouds; dark mahogany furniture graced the room. I do not remember this place, but the man who had his back to me in the center of the room dressed in navy blue trousers, black boots, and a light tan shirt, I knew was Han. No, this wasn’t my memory this was--. My heart hammered as I walked towards my father. He didn't seem to notice I was there. His attention is solely on the baby in the infancy cradle-- me. I looked just as I did in all the old holo’s mom took. Same thick black hair and chubby cheeks. I was awake gurgling and making bubbles as Han leaned over the rail to look down on me.

“Hey. It’s you and me, kid. Whole damn galaxy against us, but we’ll make it through okay.” Han ran his fingers through his hair, a nervous habit of his that I inadvertently inherited. “I’m not always gonna be the best dad.” He stood straighter now and held up his hands, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I can hardly take care of myself. But I’ll always keep us pointed in the right direction.”

Then the baby, me, began to cry, and it’s damn near ear-shattering. Han looked around the room for help, for my mother, but she’s nowhere. So, he picked up my tooka and began to awkwardly play with me. “Uh, here it's a cat… coming to uh, say hi.” Of course it didn’t work, and I screamed louder than before. Han cringed at the sound as my little baby cheeks turned dark red.

 

“Ah c’mon on kid, don’t’ do this, I don’t know what to do,” he pleaded.

 

Finally, my mother entered the room. She looked so young, but tired and, judging by the amount of screaming I was currently doing, I was a handful, even for her. Immediately Han turned around and looked at her like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, “He’s uh, crying again.”

My mother gave him a small smile, “It’s alright; babies cry. It’s how they communicate, let you know they want something.”

“Right, maybe you can do your Force thing,” Han wiggled his fingers in the air.

Leia half smiled, “How about we try something else.”

“Whiskey?”

“Pick him up,” she rolled her eyes.

Han furrowed his brow and gave Leia a pleading look, “Pick him up?”

Leia nodded and the corners of her mouth lifted into an amused smile as she watched Han move in slowly as if I were a rabid rathtar. He gently lifted me from the cradle and pulled me close to his chest. Finally, the crying stopped as I snuggled into him.

“See?” Leia said.

Hans eyes lifted to Leia’s, “I’ll never have what you have with him.”

His words are gentle, but they cut through me like a knife.

 

“You’re his father; you don’t need the Force,” she pressed a soft kiss on his cheek and gently smoothed my hair with her fingertips.

 

It was clear by the sincerity in my mother's voice and the look of devotion in my father's eyes that they did love each other deeply-- and me.  I never fully appreciated it until this moment.

Leia left the room, and we are alone again. Han kept me in his arms as he started to sway and pat my back.

“Force or no Force, you’re a Solo, and Solo men don’t play by the rules. There’s always a gray area. That’s my secret. Don’t tell your mother alright?”

“There’s nothing in the galaxy I wouldn’t do for you. I love you, kid. Don’t ever forget that,” He whispered, and gave a soft kiss on my forehead.

*******

 

The vision was over in a flash. I felt the soft grass beneath my legs where I still sat. When I opened my eyes, I saw Rey’s face. Her eyes were soft, but her brow furrowed in a pitying sort of way.

 

The pads of her thumbs wiped tears I didn’t even know had spilled from my cheeks, “He loved you... he loves you still.”

I didn't want to hear her say it. How could Han forgive me? He tried to save me from myself and now, it was too late. I passed up the only chance I had.The comforting lull from the vision dissipated, and in its place, a blackness. I heard my father again; he called my name, and I saw the red light from the lightsaber reflect in his eyes. And my mother-- I would never be able to look her in the eyes. I had no right to. I stole away the love of her life, and I destroyed the son she should of have had. The sudden urge to grab my lightsaber and break something flowed through me like venom. I wanted something, anything to feel as badly as I did. The darkness still owned me and it dominated every thought, controlled every action. Just like before when I selfishly tempted Rey and bound myself to her in the process. It began to swallow me, engulfing the small amount of light within. I wanted to run--didn’t I always?--but I knew it would follow. Invisible hands squeezed my lungs; white spots blurred my eyesight, and the world began to fall away. I couldn’t  breathe. Or speak. It was all falling apart; I’d never escape who I was. Never. I freed myself from Rey’s hands and stood. She looked up at me, shocked, helpless to stop me. Helpless to help me. She didn’t know where it had gone wrong. Of course, she didn’t. I leaned against the rough stone of the hut, blood rushing in my ears. Why did I hurt the people I cared about again and again? Why did I mislead them? Why was I always _weak_? My cheeks were wet. _It was time to go._ I took a step--

 

Rey grabbed my arm, pulling me to an abrupt stop. She was always trying to help me.

 _Anything_ , Han whispered and this time, his voice was full of blood.

 

I jerked my arm from her hand, “Don’t touch me!”

 

“Ben, it’s going to work out, you’ll see I-”

 

I clenched my jaw, “No-- get away from me, Rey.”  The taste familiar taste of hatred filled my mouth, but not for my father, or Rey--for myself. I killed my father… I had committed many crimes in the name of the Force, terrible hideous things I knew were wrong but did them anyway. This was my punishment for those evil deeds, a punishment brought on by my own two murderous hands. I would have to live with the knowledge that I killed someone who loved me for all the wrong reasons. I was weak; I should have walked away, should have never turned away. I should have left with him right then and there. Why had I been so stupid? How could I be so wrong about everything? How could I be so blind, so manipulated? _Gods everything was my fault… all of it._

 

“I know you're angry with yourself, but Han didn't show you that to make you hurt he--”

 

I turned away from her. My hands curled into tight fists, and my body began to shake uncontrollably from my effort to suppress the rage, but the willpower to do so was quickly waning. I felt the thrust of the saber pierce through Han’s chest, and the subsequent one for good measure. A bitterness crept up the back of my throat; I wanted to vomit.

 

“Ben...”

 

My father called me Ben _._ Hearing my name now... _It burned._  

“I-- am--not-- BEN! Don’t you get it? Not anymore, not after what I’ve done.” I yelled. I turned to walk away but only made it a few steps.

 

“Please I understand--”

 

Rey’s words ignited a fuse. I turned on heel to face her head on and exploded with the force of a hundred proton bombs.

“No, you _don’t_ understand; _you_ have no _family_!”

 

My voice echoed off the cliff walls. The words flew from my mouth before I had a chance to think. I never thought I’d say such a thing out loud. I knew instantly from the look of pain in her eyes that they'd hit their mark. In that instant, our relationship shattered into a thousand glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again.

 

“You were someone before Snoke got his claws into you. You were a mischievous boy, a kind devoted Jedi who had principles and a backbone!” she yelled, eyes flaming and nostrils flaring. Rey’s fury burnt with dangerous fervency.

 

I hadn’t seen her this angry since Starkiller when she stalked around me like a wolf circling its prey. It was because of the bond. I had tainted her with my own selfish anger and darkness. This was the consequence I had been waiting for. I would damage her beyond repair if she kept on with this silly fantasy of Ben Solo she created. I needed her to stop believing, to turn back before it was too late. I wouldn't have her blood on my hands, too. I would have to hurt her, and badly, to make her let go. Better a quick cut than the pain she’d have if we kept trying to hold up this facade. It was doomed from the start; I had to end it.  

 

“You say that like it means something to me. Of course a simple stupid scavenger like you would think that. Do you know how _easy_ it was to make you think I cared for you, or anyone? So desperate for love and affection you allowed yourself to feel compassion for a monster.  You are more gullible than my old man--pathetic.”

 

Rey’s shoulders slumped, and her defiance crumbled. “How can you be so cold after everything?” her voice broke just above a whisper. Her lips quivered and her dark lashes brimmed with heavy tears.

 

I glared at her and bared my teeth, “This is all your fault, if you had just stayed on that damn trash planet where you BELONG!”

 

A lone tear finally traced down her cheek. Waves of pain slammed against me through the bond. I immediately slammed our connection shut, blocking her out completely. The moment Rey realized what I had done, the floodgates opened. Large fat tears streamed from her hazel eyes, and her body racked with silent sobs.

 

“Get away from me!” I snarled and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Ben it's just his lot in life to suffer... and poor Rey, she is so forgiving and look where that got her. Slow burn guys slooooow. My wonderful teacher and beta @dasfeministmermaid helped me get through this chapter. You guys are awesome thanks for leaving me comments!!! Thanks for reading too.


	8. No remedy for death.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben allow's grief and guilt to consume his every thought. He doesn't know how to move on and doesn't want to-- until he is confronted by three unexpected guests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING***  
> THIS CHAPTER HAS A VERY DARK THEME. THERE WILL BE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. IF THIS SORT OF THING TRIGGERS YOU I SUGGEST YOU SKIP THIS CHAPTER. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

_Han was trying his best to point me in the right direction, as he always had, and from that moment on, always would. I killed him--ignited my lightsaber and pierced him straight through the chest. I believed by committing the horrible deed, that I would transform into the darkest version of myself. The Force, however, had other plans, and so did my father. Han Solo’s final act in life would be to forgive me of my most evil of sins. As Han plummeted into the belly of the oscillator of Starkiller base, he took part of Kylo Ren with him in a beautiful blaze of glory. I felt him pass into the Force. I fell to my knees in anguish, what had I_ done?  _Pain radiated from my side and throughout my body from the shot of the bowcaster.  I thought I was burning from the inside out. The pain nearly dissipated when I saw the Stormtrooper who I let live, and all of my failures fell upon me like a crashing wave. I was not out of the darkness yet; Kylo Ren still stirred within me._

_The brutality I showed FN-2187 in the next few moments was not because I hated him. No, Kylo Ren was making his last stand against what he should have been, what he could have been--Ben Solo. If it hadn’t been for her, the beacon of pure light showing me the way, I might have been lost forever. In her most beautifully brutal way, she cut Kylo Ren down and left him to die on the icy hell planet. In that final moment, something in the Force had shifted. My eyes opened for the first time in what seemed to be a lifetime, and there she stood, looking down at me. The most terrifying and beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I called out her name, but it died on my lips.  I wanted to say so many things, but the Force wasn’t having it that day; it decided that it wasn’t the right time. The ground ripped apart between us, pulling us apart. I stared at her from across the chasm as she stared back. I wanted to yell out, for her not to leave me, but she turned and ran. I was left alone in the darkness, and somewhere in the void, I felt her look back. There was a ripple in the Force sent directly from her to me. She had seen the First Order come for me; she knew I would live, and that thought gave her relief. It gave me strength._

* * *

 

Dark clouds gathered far off in the distance as the roar of the ocean became louder with each passing minute. How long I had been standing at the cliffs edge, I did not know, nor did I care. After my confrontation with Rey, I kept walking until I couldn't anymore. I blinked the warm salty tears from my eyes and watched the white capped waves violently bash against the rocky shore below. The wind picked up and whistled with an eerie low howl. I stood silently and let it blow against my hot tear-stained face. Along with my father’s, now Rey’s eyes flashed before me. What I had done to her was cruel beyond measure. When she cried, there was a rawness to it, as if she were in a desperate battle against the pain. It tore me to pieces to think about the pain I had caused her. She deserved better than the likes of me. After everything she went through, she had sought out a friend in me, perhaps something else entirely, and I brutally destroyed that thought right to her face. I had been a cruel man before I met her, and nothing I had ever done before then meant anything, but now-- it meant everything. How she looked at me mattered; what she thought about me mattered. _Every chance I get, I throw away._ It was a fleeting hope that she could ever want-- I couldn't even bear to finish the thought. It was better for her to loathe a monster than to care for a man who could never be worthy of her. I cringed as the encounter replayed in my mind. ‘ _How could you be so cold after everything?’ ‘Ben.’_

A thought surfaced, one I had many times before when meditation had failed to sate the screams of the countless fallen: It would be quick-- just to take a step. Wouldn't leave a mess; my body would be buried at sea. Then my mother could move on; Rey would remain uncorrupted, and Luke-- well maybe he could fix the Snoke situation. The cursed Skywalker line would finally end, and perhaps that’s the way it should be. These weren't  half-hearted thoughts or mere fantasies. On occasion, I would stand in the airlock, knowing with just the wave of my hand, it would release. Sometimes, I held my lightsaber to my chest knowing with just the press of a button, it would all be over.  There had always been something that interrupted the thoughts-- usually a request for an audience from my master. I realized now that he’d let me drift to the edge but would not allow me to destroy myself. Snoke wasn't here now, and neither was my father.  Nothing stood in my way. Finally, I was free.

I unclipped Kenobi’s lightsaber from my belt and took one last look at the hilt. So long ago, it had brought me a vision of a girl who had fallen down onto the rain-soaked ground of a battlefield. Her face had been obscured by a mask made of scraps from a stormtrooper helmet and desert rags. Then, she stood before me in the snow, holding the Skywalker lightsaber, poised to strike, and then a voice, ‘Come back!’; I had turned just in time to see a small child screaming at a ship that disappeared into the atmosphere. It wasn't the first time I had a vision from touching an object, but it was the first time that I heard my father yell my name-- ‘Ben!’ it had been a warning, and I was too stupid to see it.

I lowered the hilt to my side and let it fall from my hand to the ground. Kenobi was a noble and honest man. I did not deserve to even touch such a priceless heirloom, let alone possess it. Rey would no doubt find it; then it would be hers, and rightfully so.  

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to think of her sun-kissed freckled face, her perky infectious laugh, and the way her small hands fit into mine. I thought of my mother-- the way she kissed my cheeks, how she patted my back when I couldn't sleep after a nightmare, her voice as she told bedtime stories. Then all of the horrors rushed in: the screaming from the villagers on Jakku, the old rough voice of my master, my father's horrified eyes.  I leaned forward to get a better view. A small rock broke away and plummeted into the dark torrent sea below. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I took in a deep breath and then--.

The gray sky whirled past me and then mixed with deep shades of umber. My back slammed against the rocky ground. The impact had knocked every wisp of air from my lungs.  I laid there and struggled to inhale, to exhale, to do anything. Large furry hands were wrapped around my neck, squeezing-- the pressure so hard I could feel it behind my eyes. Flashes of black spots clouded my vision as Chewbacca hovered over me, roaring in Shyriiwook.

“What were you thinking! Your father gave his life for you and THIS-- this is how you honor his sacrifice!” He squeezed tighter, and I could feel my windpipe beginning to collapse. “You don’t get off that easy!”

I could have used the Force to knock him off of me, but I didn’t have it in me to fight anymore. I laid there and let him hurt me until tears formed in his piercing blue eyes and fell upon my face. In the many years I had known Chewie, I never once seen him truly cry until now. Slowly, he released my throat, and I sucked in a loud raspy breath. He put his hand over his eyes and wept deep mournful howls. My dam of restraint broke, and I was unable to hold back the pitiful sobbing sounds coming from my mouth.  

“I’m sorry,” I said, somehow managing to choke out words between sobs as I pulled myself up to a sitting position.

He stared at me, chest heaving, “I want to hate you-- I want to kill you, but I… I can't. Han wouldn't want me to.” He pulled away from me and looked directly into my eyes, “But, if you’re still in there Ben, you can’t just give up; think of your mother. She deserves better than this.”

I shook my head, “I don’t deserve a mother.”

“That’s not up to you,” he growled as he slowly rose to his feet. He looked down at me like he wanted to say more, but he turned and walked away.

I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my forehead on my knees. My mind was racing a million parsecs a minute. I had almost died-- ceased to exist.  There was no chance that I would have come back through the Force like Anakin or Obi-Wan. I had no idea how to harness that type of power, and I was too dark to anyhow. And what about Rey and the bond? What would that have done to her?  _That was really stupid Ben._ The reality of what I had almost done sent shockwaves through my body. It was the same rush I used to get during a battle-- heart pounding, body sweating, hands shaking, but this time the effect wasn't one of euphoria - it was panic. Suddenly it became difficult to breathe as if Chewie was still trying to strangle me. I gasped for air as Chewie’s words rang through my head ‘Your mother deserves better.’ He was right I couldn't do that to her no matter how terrible I felt. My skin began to prickle and a voice materialized from a long forgotten memory.

“ _Okay Ben, breathe... just breathe._ ”

Luke had always repeated those words to me when I flew into fits of rage. It used to work when I was a child but it hadn't since. Even though I had tried almost every night my first year under Snoke. Still sweating and shaking I lowered my knees and sat in the traditional meditation pose. With my eyes closed, I drew in long breaths through my nose. I focused on the sound of the thunder rolling off in the distance and did as he had instructed all those years ago-- breathed. It was difficult, to say the least, and I sat for a long while struggling  to concentrate. Before I had a chance to focus further, something warm and soft rubbed against my hands, snapping me out of my thoughts.  I opened my eyes, expecting a large lumbering Wookie, to find a small creature with light brown feathers, short stubby wings,  and two large round black eyes staring up at me. I considered the little creature for a moment and closed my eyes.

 

Not a second later, it brushed against my hand again.

“Shoo,” I nudged the nuisance away.

It tilted its head curiously at me, clearly not taking the hint. I pushed it away a second time, but as I did, it nipped at my fingers.  

I jerked my hand back, “Hey!”

It took a hop closer to my side. It sort of looked like a bird, but instead of a beak, it had a large wide mouth with tiny sharp fangs.

 

“Look I’m in no mood for company. I'm trying to meditate _if_ you don't mind.”

It hopped up on the toe of my boot. I let out a frustrated sigh and pushed it off as it tried to bite me again. Whatever type of creature this was had a strange Force signature. It was a young male, and it felt light, which I expected, but it was also very strong for its size. I returned my attention back to meditation and closed my eyes. Before I could take a breath to refocus, I felt something on my knee. I cracked one eye open to find the pest perched on my leg. It blinked owlishly at me for a few moments and then growled, opening its mouth as if to ask to be fed.

 

“I don't have food-- I don’t know what you want,”  I attempted to nudge it away and it snapped at my finger, “stop it!” It's odd shaped mouth opened again to let out a low feral growl which might have seemed cute to some but clearly I had irritated it.

“Yeah, well the feeling is mutual.” I shoved it away again as it made another attempt to sink its teeth into me, “Come on little guy, I don’t want to hurt you, _please_ go away.” I kept swatting it away while trying to dodge its mouth, but there was no use.

Before I could successfully rid myself of the pest, both my and its attention were drawn to a high-pitched screeching. It sounded like a wounded animal of some sort, and I would have ignored it, but it was followed by a more obtrusive menacing roar. _So much for meditation._

Unamused and annoyed, I pulled myself up to my feet, picked up the lightsaber, attached it to my belt, and searched for the perpetrators of the racket. I walked around a few protruding moss covered rocks until an enormous White Sea creature with a tentacled mouth came into view. It was pulling itself up the cliffside towards a large nest nestled in a rock crevasse on a ledge. Inside, the same type creatures as my little nippy menace who was now looking up at me with wide set pleading eyes, making whimpering sounds. It didn't take a Force user to know or sense that it wanted me to intervene. My shoulders dropped in defeat.

I glared and pointed at it. “Alright, but then you need to leave me alone.”

As I strode towards the sea creature, I attempted to get a feel for it in the Force. There was no malice in its signature, only the primal need to feed. It wasn't the beast’s fault, but nonetheless, I pushed inside its mind and compelled it to become calm.  It stopped its ascent up the cliffside abruptly and slowly turned its head towards me, and locked its gaze. I had not tried to tame a beast in some time; it was more a light sided tactic. In my current state, it was proving to be a little more than difficult. My mind was swimming in an ocean of regret, guilt and utter confusion. But I had to pull it together because the sea creature had now changed its target--to me. It let out a loud bellowing roar as it crested the top of the cliff, coming directly to my eye level. I had half expected it to be scaly but it had short white fur. I didn't want to kill it; I had done far too much of that already. I held my ground as its growl rumbled deep in its throat-- the tentacles at its mouth spread open revealing razor sharp fangs. I could smell and feel its hot oceany breath against my face.  It was seconds away from making me its meal. I shut my eyes and felt around for those threads of the Force that were almost foreign to me now. They looked like a small cluster of star in an endless sky of black, but I willed myself to reach further and deeper. I remembered Anakin’s advice about memories then I thought of my mother and the way she laughed on the day of the cake fiasco; it reminded me of Rey’s from the night before. I cracked open one eye to find the beast closing its mouth and relaxing the tentacles down around its face. It stared for a long moment before it gave a huff of defeat. Slowly it  backed down the cliffside and disappeared into the waves. A clatter of squeaky barks and happy growls rang out from the nest. I kneeled down and counted about a dozen of the birdlike creatures.

The one that kept trying to bite me fluttered down to my side. _So it could fly._  I hadn't been sure due to its short wingspan. I reached out to pat it on the head, and it nipped the tip of my finger causing it to bleed. I hissed through my teeth.

“Is that any ways to say thank you… you nippy little-- _thing._ ”

Drops of rain fell on the top of my head, the storm had just reached the island. I let out a loud sigh and began to walk back towards my hut. I needed time to think-- about what had happened and to decide what I was going to do. I only made it a few steps before I noticed I had a follower.

“Listen, _nippy_ , you need to go back to your nest.”

 

It growled and continued to _hop-fly_ my way.

I rolled my eyes and walked faster, and by the time I made it back to the hut, the rain was coming down in buckets, causing small streams to wash down the rocky green landscape. I stopped at the doorway to my pathetic hovel and looked behind me. Thankfully, I had lost the small annoying creature. I stepped inside the hut and shook the rain from my hair. To my surprise, a dry bundle of wood sat unlit in the fire pit.

 

_Must have been Luke._

 

After today, I was shocked he’d offer up such a kind gesture, but perhaps Rey had not told him what I had done. I didn't want to think about her, I was too tired and hungry. I lit the fire and pulled out a ration bar from the bag Rey had given me. It wasn't the best-tasting thing, but it was better than nothing.

My eyes were heavy and sore from all of the tears. Overall I felt like I had just gone through a marathon of training. I laid down on my makeshift bed and listened to the sound of rain against the stone roof. It was only late afternoon, but I was spent. I ultimately decided that tomorrow at first light, I would make sure to get to my shuttle and begin repairs. I needed off this island as soon as possible. What I did after that, I had no idea. I knew that I had a lot of decisions to make, but I couldn't bring myself to try and sort it out now. I could no longer hold my eyes open.

*******

My breath ghosted against the black of a snow covered forest. Terror ripped through my heart as I stumbled over the roots of the tall bare trees. I fell, scuffed my knees but quickly got back onto my feet and kept going. I didn't know who or what I was running from only that I was afraid-- very afraid.

“Ben!” My father yelled, but I couldn't see him.

“Dad!” I called back but there was no answer, and I began to panic, “Daddy!”

“Ben… Ben, wake up you're having another nightmare,” Han soothed.

I opened my eyes to find my father sitting next to me on my bed. Lightning flashed through my bedroom window, illuminating the toy starships that hung from my ceiling. Thunder crashed directly above our home as if the sky itself was about to break into. My tooka was wrapped up in my arms, and I squeezed it tight.

“It’s alright, little bandit, it’s only a storm-- it’ll pass.”

I could feel tears forming in my eyes as I looked at my father in the low light of my bedroom.

“I didn't mean to wake you up… I’m sorry.”

“You don't have to apologize to me, little man; it’s what I’m here for. You're alright.”

I swallowed hard.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

“It… it was the forest again; something was chasing me in the dark.”

“Scoot over,” he said.

Han laid next to me, and I snuggled into his side.

“You know, I’m not good at this stuff, not like your mother… what does she usually do?”

“She tells me stories until I go back to sleep,” I said, as I pressed my head into the crook of his arm. He smelled like the Falcon-- oil and singed wires.

“You're a little big for bedtime stories now, aren't you Ben?”

“What?”

“You're dreaming Ben, you're not a little boy anymore.”

 

My childhood bedroom disappeared, and the primitive hut came back into focus. Han sat nearby, taking a sip of Corellian whiskey, while poking the fire with a stick, “You stacked the logs wrong, kid.”

“What?” I said again, now sitting up on my pile of blankets.

“You’re lucky you know… Chewie _really_ wanted to rip your arms out of your sockets today.”

I shook my head, “I’m dreaming, this isn't real…”

“Just because you're dreaming doesn't mean it isn't real. Believe me, I’m just as shocked as you are.”

“Dad, I…”

Han held up his hand. “Look, kid, I said I would steer you in the right direction, didn't I?”

I nodded.

“Well, here I am, and what you pulled today was _not_ the direction I wanted you to go. I appreciate the guilt and all, but that’s not what I wanted-- you know that, right?”  

“I… Dad, I don’t know how to live with myself-- and _mom_ ,” my voice broke, and I turned away.

“Ben, your mother loves you despite it all.”

“I should have left with you,” I whispered.

“I’ve done some pretty shady things in my life, too.”

“Did you kill your own father?”

“Well, no, but the point is you didn't leave with me, and you messed up pretty big.”

I ran my fingers through my hair, “This is not making me feel any better.”

 _“But,"_ he pointed at me with the stick, "I want better for you.” He lowered the stick, drew in a deep breath, then looked at his glass and swirled the golden whiskey inside it, “I’m partly to blame. I made you feel like you weren't good enough for me. I shouldn't have left you alone so much, I wish I could go back in time... I’d change it all.”

“So would I..." I sighed, "But, I’m a grown man dad, I know right from wrong…”

“Ben, that monster Snoke has been after you since before you were even born. Your mother didn't tell me that she felt the darkness. She assumed it was the presence of your grandfather. Keeping your lineage a secret seemed like the best thing to do at the time. We didn't know Snoke was trying to pull your strings.”

“How could you? I didn't even know.” I looked down towards the ground, unable to look him in the eye, “but that still doesn't excuse what I did.”

Han sighed, “No, you're right; it doesn't.”

“Dad, I don’t know what to do or where to go or even where to start. I’m… I’m--”

“I almost left your mother and Luke before the Empire fell.”  

I gaped at him, “What?”

“I didn’t want to take part in it, was only out for myself. I was afraid-- of caring for anyone else but myself and so are you because the ones you loved weren't there when you needed it.” He took a drink, and the ice clinked against the glass. “But, I came back, and so can you.”

“But you’re not telling me how?”

He raised his eyebrows and gave me an incredulous look, “What, you think there is some sort of instruction manual for this, kid? What you decide is up to you, but I will offer up this last bit of advice… Go with your gut.” He gave the fire a finally poke with the stick before letting it fall into the flames.  “Oh, and when you open up the compartment to the landing gear on your shuttle,” he mimed with his fingers as if he were opening it himself, “you’ll want to use some bonding tape around the hydraulic lines, or it’ll leak fluid all over the circuit board.” He stood and walked towards the door and turned around to look at me, “Also, your pet ate all your rations, so you might want to wake up about now.”

I furrowed my brow, “Wait, what?”

He smirked, “I’ll see ya around kid,” he said before stepping out the doorway into a blinding blue light.

I squinted my eyes at the brightness flooding inside the hut, it felt warm against my face like the sun.

*******

I blinked and suddenly realized it was morning.  Sunbeams filtered into my stone dwelling directly into my eyes. I groggily rubbed my face, allowing for my eyes to adjust to the brightness of the morning.

_Crunch crunch crunch_

I quickly sat up on my elbows, and I followed the noise to the satchel Rey had given me. All I could see were two little birdlike feet sticking out of it and torn wrappers scattered all over the dirt floor.

“Hey!”

The little nippy bird pulled its face out of the bag and looked up to me-- shocked, a piece of ration bar dropped from its mouth.

“You ate _all_ of this yourself?” I asked a bit shocked myself.

It burped.

“Really?” I rolled my eyes,  “Well, now what am I supposed to eat?”  

It looked around the floor, using its talons to scratch around the clutter of wrappers then picked up an unopened ration bar in its mouth then hopped over to me, and dropped it.

 

I eyed him suspiciously, “If I reach down to pick that up, are you going to bite me again?”  I asked.

It looked down at the bar then nudged it with its nose in my direction and made a chirp-like grunt.

I cautiously reached for the bar, not taking my eyes off him. To my surprise, he did not try to bite me this time.

I narrowed my eyes on him, “I don’t suppose you're going to leave me alone, are you?”

It fluttered its stubby wings and hopped onto my leg.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

He hopped up onto my stomach and softly growled.

“Okay, first things first, we gotta talk about personal space,” I pushed him off, and he nipped at my fingers again, but I was a lot quicker this time. “Second, no more biting, you got that, Nips?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the beginning of the chapter was fairly dark and truthfully if you kill your parent it is expected to go through some heavy emotions. But Ben is human after all. Even in all the doom and gloom we find a tiny bit of light in the form of a Porg now named Nips. Who doesn't love Porgs!!! Not even Ben can resist! More Porg love coming in the next chapter. As always thank you all for your kind words! My beta is the best ever! I have already written half of 9. It will not be as dark as this one but Ben is not out of the woods yet so to speak.


	9. Blood on  my hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben attempts to fix his shuttle and recieves some unexpected help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic descriptions of blood and has a PTSD theme.

_They say birth is a traumatic experience for a newborn, ripped from the comfort of their dark cocoon and thrust into the light. The baby is forced to breathe air for the first time, the gasp often followed by a cry. The sounds are foreign and loud. The light is blinding, and the senses are overloaded as the baby squirms to find its bearings. These frightful moments are usually soothed with the warmth of a blanket or gentle touch and the sound of the mother's voice. My rebirth would not be so different._

_I vaguely remember the medical droids, their cold, unfeeling appendages poking and prodding the deep wound on my side. Then came the sharp prick of the needles accompanied by the burn of anesthetic, and finally, after a few pain laced moments, the euphoria. The constant beeping of the heart rate monitor sounded hollow and distant. The numerous faceless voices that swirled around me became muddled and indiscernible, except, for one. I knew even in a drug induced state it couldn't possibly be real, but then I saw-- my mother. She was above me, looking down, her smile just as I remembered, gentle and bright. A warmth bloomed in my chest and spread all over my body. Her fingers brushed the hair from my eyes and ran along my scalp. ‘It’s okay little angel, it’s okay.’ she soothed. I tried to keep my eyes on hers, but I could feel myself drifting away, and so she too began to fade. I fought to stay awake, just a bit longer. ‘Shhhh, sleep now, Ben, you're alright.’_

* * *

 

After giving the hut floor a good once-over, it was apparent that Nips had eaten every single ration bar I had left--except for the one he gave me. No matter; I would be off this rock in a few days, or at least I hoped. It really all depended on the amount of damage the shuttle had sustained during the hard landing. I ran my fingers through my hair and stepped out into the sunlight. I took in my surrounding and settled on a direction. As I walked across the island, Nips tagged along, soaring gracefully above my head. Although thankful for the distraction, it wasn't enough to stop my stomach from twisting into knots. This wasn't a large island after all, and the probability of running into Rey or Luke was high. I kept my face forward just in case, but I did not sense either of them and, in all honesty, it was for the best.

 

My shuttle sat in a small rocky clearing in the same condition I’d left it in--broken. I walked up the ramp and stepped inside. Nips followed, swooping in and landing on the back of the pilot’s chair. The thick scent of singed electrical wire and burnt fuel filled the shuttle. Most of the storage compartments had opened during the crash landing, spilling their contents all over the floor. Shattered glass crunched under my boots as I stepped over everything from medical supplies to blasters and broken datapads. It would take at least a day to clean up the mess. When I managed to make my way to the maintenance closet, I was relieved to see it was still closed, but only because a BB-unit lay toppled over in front of it. As I rolled it out of the way, I noticed its primary photoreceptor was severely damaged. _That's a shame._ It would have been useful to have a fully operational droid to help with the repairs.

First things first was to get to the tools. I opened the door, and an avalanche of tools and equipment spilled out all over the floor with a loud clatter. I stared at the mountain of mess at my feet and dropped my forehead against the door with a thud. I let out a loud frustrated sigh, and then I chuckled softly. A week ago, I would have destroyed the rest of the ship with my lightsaber, but today, it was amusing. _Cosmic justice_ , I rolled my eyes.  “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong,” Han had always said when one of the alarms would go off in the Falcon. I dropped down to my knees and searched through the pile until I found a small brown duffle bag and filled it with the tools that would most likely be needed for repairs. The mess inside could be dealt with later; I needed to attend to the structural damage first.

 

Nips followed me back outside and flew off somewhere, and I began to survey the belly of the shuttle. As I suspected, the landing gear had taken the brunt of the damage. I placed the tool bag on the ground, pulled out what I needed, and got to work. First, I opened the panel to the hydraulic system and checked all of the--

the-- _dream_ . Everything that happened during the night rushed back with a vengeance. It was as vivid as a living memory. The air left my lungs as I dropped the Harris wrench to the ground. It landed with a loud metallic clatter and temporarily jolted me back to my senses. _No_ . I shook my head. _It was only a dream surely he couldn't have_ \--

 

“That’s impossible,” I whispered as I frantically pushed aside the wiring to check the tubes that fed into the landing gear to find they-- were broken.

 

Han had really been there. I stood frozen with my fingers holding the severed lines; my skin began to prickle, and my heart leaped into my throat. Everything around me began to look fuzzy. _I might actually pass out_.

 

I felt a tiny squeeze on my left shoulder, snapping me out of my shock. I turned my head slightly to find Nips sitting on my shoulder. He squawked loudly in my ear, and I yanked my head away.

 

I shrugged my shoulder to get him off, and he obliged, floating down gracefully to the ground. I stared at the black tubing, still rattled from the realization that _my father,_ of all people, had figured out how to visit me in dreams.

 

“But that’s not how the Force works!” I argued with the tubing.

 

Nips grunted, drawing my attention down to the duffel bag. He was inside it, once again; I could only see two little-webbed feet and a feathered tail poking out at me. No doubt he thought the bag contained food, like the one last night.

 

“Hey, get out of there, before you swallow something important.”

 

But instead of ignoring me as I’d expected, he pulled out his head with a spool of bonding tape in his mouth. I narrowed my eyes at him and began to yell for him to drop it, thinking he would eat it, or take off with it, but he flew up to the opening of the hydraulics panel and perched on the door. I don’t know what compelled me to do it, perhaps the Force, but I held my hand out in front of him, and he dropped the tape into my palm. I looked at it, then back to Nips, and back to the tape again. There was no way _this_ was normal. I pull my head back slightly to get a better look at him. Nips blinked back innocently.

 

“Huh,” is all I could manage to say.

 

I eyed him suspiciously for a few more moments, then began to wrap the tubes with the tape. Occasionally, I glanced up at him out of the corner of my eye. He sat silently and watched closely, curiously, tilting his head every so often as I checked the rest of the lines. When I finished, I reached to shut the door, but he was standing on it still. I held up my arm, and he hopped onto it then found his way to my shoulder.

 

“So that’s how it’s gonna be, is it?” I said.

 

For the rest of the day, that is exactly where he stayed, except when I was under the landing gear; then he retrieved tools for me. There was no reason for him to continuously fetch when I could easily Force pull them myself. However, somehow, he knew what I needed even if I didn't voice it out loud. What was a little more than unsettling is the fact he _knew_ what the tools were.

 

_Strange Force signature indeed._

 

I double-checked all the tubing and changed out what wires I could. Sacrifices had to be made in the process as I took intact wires from parts of the ship that were not necessary for flying, such as the lighting in the passenger compartment or the flood lights for the ramp.

 

When the sun began to set and the air turned cold, I made my way up the landing ramp. Of course, Nips followed suit, perching on the top of the BB-unit. I wasn't finished with the outside, not by a long shot, and I still had the interior to deal with. I did, however, leave the fresher in working order. Thankfully, from what I could tell, none of the piping had broken, and the filtration system still operated efficiently. Until I could power the shuttle up completely, I wouldn't be able to have a hot shower. I knew I smelled like smoke and sweat; hot water or not, I needed a bath.

 

I began to strip down, pulling off my tunic and unstrapping my boots. A cool breeze filtered in through the still-open landing ramp, causing my skin to prickle. I stepped out of my boots and pulled off my trousers and arm wraps. Nips sat unusually still and quiet.

 

“Hey, avert your eyes,” I snickered, half serious. But when he pulled his little wing up over his abnormally large eyes, I stilled. “Okayyy,” I backed away slowly into the fresher and shut the door.

 

It felt nice to get a shower even though the water was only lukewarm. As I washed the dirt and grime from my hair, the water finally ran cold. Suds still saturated my hair as I stood now near shivering. Could nothing be easy? With my eyes still closed, I finished washing my hair, but then I remembered the grease on my fingers. I fumbled with the liquid soap dispenser and began to rub my hands together.  I let the cold water spray on my face, clearing my eyes.

I froze and dropped the wash rag. The engine grease was black, but my hands were red. My hands... were covered in-- blood. I held them under the stream of water, turning them this way and that, looking for what cut had caused it, but there was nothing. The more I washed them, the more blood appeared. Bewildered, I kept rubbing them over and over; my heart rate quickly accelerated, making it hard for me to breathe. Then the screaming began, countless voices cried out in anguish, some begged to live, and some begged to die. They echoed all around me, louder and louder, as blood poured from my hands on to the floor.

 

“It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.”

 

I kept scrubbing my hands until even the water from the fresher turned red. The walls were beginning to spin, everything blurred, I stumbled back and fell onto the cold tile floor. A loud bang rang out from the door, and, in seconds there were hands on my shoulders and under my arms.

 

“Ben! it's alright, breathe, I got you.”

I looked up to find the sparkling blue eyes of my uncle.

 

“There's blood-- my hands,” I panted, “so much blood.”

 

“No, no, no Ben look, there's nothing-- look,” he grabbed my hands and held them firmly. “You're seeing things,” he loosened his grip, “it's not uncommon after…” he trailed off, and looked at me for what seemed like an eternity but only lasted a few moments, “but it’s not real.”

 

The shock of the ordeal was already beginning to dissipate. A wave of warmth wrapped around me like a blanket. It was Luke. He could calm a pit of starved rathtars if he had to and only exert a small amount of effort.

 

“Better?”

 

I nodded.

 

“Alright, come on, let's get you up.”

 

Then I realized; I was still naked.

 

“Oh, come off it, Ben. You used to run around the house naked as a toddler, it's nothing I haven't seen before, now get up, I'm old, I can't hold you up forever.”

 

I rolled my eyes and allowed him to help me to my feet.  

 

Luke handed me a towel, “I'll give you a few minutes, take a breath, focus, then meet me outside.”

 

I nodded, taking a long, strong breath in through my nose and letting it out slowly through my mouth. It wasn't the first time I had heard the screams, but it was the first time I had seen something like that. Was I losing my mind? I kept breathing, trying to find my center.

 

 _Focus on something else, Ben._ I looked around the room, _clothes._

 

I opened up my personal cargo container and redressed in a similar uniform as my old one--same trousers, arm wraps, gloves, and boots, except for the tunic was much shorter, ending mid-thigh. I found a long cape on the floor of the passenger compartment that must have belonged to one of the Knights. Even though I had a fire inside my hut at night, outside, the frigid winds were nothing to scoff at. Even during the day, they were proving to be most uncomfortable. I tried it on, and it fit well enough, so I decided to keep it.

 

“What do you think?” I asked, staring at Nips who sat happily on the back of the pilot’s seat.

 

He tilted his head and let out a chirp.

 

“I’ll take that as a yes?”

 

He chirped again a little louder.

 

“Well, come on then,” I motioned for him to follow, and he did.

 

Outside, Luke stood waiting; the sun was setting, painting the sky in a breathtaking array of pinks and oranges. I hoped  Rey was enjoying it.  Nips landed on my shoulder, interrupting my musings as I walked across the island beside Luke.

 

“I see you made a friend,” Luke smirked.

 

“Yeah, he's… he won't leave me alone, but he actually helped me work on the ship today.”

 

Luke chuckled.

 

Nips gave a slight push off my shoulder and flew high above Luke and I. I watched him flap his stubby wings in the ocean breeze before he dove down, swooping over the cliff’s edge, disappearing from view.  

 

“What are they?”

 

“I call them Porgs, but I think you've named yours… Nips?”

 

Warmth gathered in my cheeks, “Uh well,” I looked at the ground and kicked a rock, “he kept biting me.”

 

“They're funny little things, protectors of the island.”

 

“How could they protect anything? Just yesterday I had to save a whole nest of them from some sort of sea beast.”

 

“Oh, you've met Lando”

 

“You named...the sea beast...Lando...”  

 

Luke laughed, “He’s a bit of a show-off, always preening for the ladies, the name seemed to suit him.”   

 

I suppressed a laugh a the thought of Lando Calrissian. I remembered how he would give my mother his undivided attention whenever we would visit. My dad didn't know it,  but Lando only did it to get a rise out of him.

 

We continued to walk in silence. Luke had always been quiet and distant.

 

“Dad came to me in my dreams last night,” I blurted out.

 

“Oh,” he said casually.

 

“It wasn't a normal dream, he told me things that were wrong with the shuttle and when I checked this morning it… it was as he said.”

 

“Interesting.”

 

“How is it possible, he’s not, well, you know how he felt about the Force.”

 

We stopped when we finally made it to the hut. Luke leaned against the structure and fumbled with his mechanical hand.

 

“You know, I always had the suspicion that Han was Force-sensitive.”

 

I raised my eyebrows.

 

Luke looked up meeting my eyes, “Of course, I never told _him_ that. I don’t think he would have taken it too well.”

 

“No, he wouldn't have. It was bad enough he had me.”

 

“Now Ben, stop. You have got to let this self-hatred go. I know it’s hard, I know… I was hard on you, too. I shouldn't…. I shouldn't  have pushed you like I did.”

 

“Wait,” I held my hand up to my ear, “I need you to say that again, I don't think I heard you right, did you just admit that the great Luke Skywalker, the noble, the mighty golden boy, was wrong?” I knew that I was being a prick, but I could only hold back so much.

 

Luke glared, but then dropped his shoulders, “Yes, I was wrong. I failed you, we all did.”

 

There was a deep sadness in his eyes, one reflected in the wrinkles that framed them.

 

“Why Luke?” I asked, trying to maintain the contempt in my voice but it fell flat-- I was breaking, again.

 

“I had a vision of the Academy's destruction, many, many years before your parents sent you to me. I almost didn't start it, but I refused to give in to fear… that is, until you came to me.” He took a deep breath, “Ben, you were so angry, and so lost. I thought I was helping you by being strict, but I only pushed you further away”. His forehead puckered as his mechanical fingers gently pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was arrogant and prideful. Which I didn't realize until it was too late. I was not the Jedi I should have been.” He swallowed and looked down at the ground, “After it happened, I banished myself, ashamed of what I had done, and what I had not.”

 

“You didn't think to come back? You left me, Luke. You knocked me out and left me on that desolate, _uninhabited_ planet, _alone_ , with no way off! Then, you came to this island to have a pity party about it? _Really_ , is that what you're saying to me? Do you even know what happened? Did you bother to find out?” I threw up my hands, “I didn't kill anyone, it wasn't me!  

 

“I know,” he whispered down at the ground, refusing to meet my eyes.

 

My hands clenched into fists by my side, “How long?” I gritted through my teeth.

 

Luke finally looked up at me. For the first time in my life, I watched tears gather in my old master’s eyes and slowly roll down his cheeks into his shaggy beard.

 

The sight of his remorse did something to me; it made my chest ache and my voice break “How long Luke!” I looked him straight in the eyes, “How long did it take you to figure out _you_ betrayed _me_ , not the other way around!”

 

Luke's face contorted into a tortured grimace, “I did not know until Rey told me, after she healed you after she got a look inside your mind.”

 

“You know, I didn't even know Snoke had sent the Knights to destroy the Academy until it was happening until I felt… I felt.. their deaths! I only went to Snoke for guidance, because you only ever…” My throat felt like it was caught in a vice. I closed my eyes and turned my face down away from his, tears leaking down my nose. “But I know the truth now, I didn't realize it until after-- dad.  He had the students killed because he knew, _he knew_ , you’d think it was me. _He knew_ , you’d abandon me, and he took advantage of it. Just like with dad! He’s tried to paint me into another corner, making me think I had no other way out unless I killed him, all the while knowing it would be the deed that would make me feel like I do now!

 

“And what way is that?”

 

“Like I have no way back!”

 

Luke took a step towards me, “Oh, but you do, and you’ve already taken your first steps. Yes, you’ve done terrible horrible things in the name of the Force, but so have I. I’m not asking for you to forgive me, or even forget. I am asking you to forgive yourself, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to do what I could not.”

 

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, “And what would that be, exactly?”

 

“Train a new generation of Jedi.”

 

An unexpected snort of laughter escaped my lips before I could help it, “You really have lost your mind, I am no Jedi.”

 

“No, the old way is done, there can be a different path, a new path, and you could lead them.”

 

I shook my head, “I don’t want that kind of responsibility.”

 

“Perhaps in time, you will.”

 

Luke walked away without another word. I wanted to follow him and make him understand that his expectations for me were still far too high, and, to be quite honest, insane. But I didn’t want to argue anymore; the two of us had done enough of that to fill several lifetimes. No, now I was just tired, of him, and everything else. I retired to the hut to find a fresh bundle of wood in the middle of the fire pit, again. I sneered at Luke’s gesture but, at the same time, welcomed it. My hair had not yet dried, and the sun was almost set. The cold ocean air would creep inside soon. So, I stacked the logs properly, just like dad had shown me many years ago and lit it. I wrapped the cape around myself and tried to warm my body. My stomach groaned loudly and twisted in hunger. I had not eaten since the early morning.

 

Nips swooped in through the doorway, landing beside me, reminding me that he had eaten everything I had.

 

I narrowed my eyes at him, “You know, it's your fault I'm starving right now. Maybe I should roast you over the fire,” I said halfheartedly.

 

Nips frowned and knitted his brows. _He actually frowned_. Then flew back outside.

 

“Aw come on Nips, I didn't mean it!” I called after him, but he did not return.

 

I huffed in annoyance. He wasn't the first I had said things to I didn't mean.

 

I sat in silence and watched the fire grow and the darkness settle in. I had never wanted to be alone, but here I sat; nothing has really changed. I remember watching the Falcon raise up into the sky and disappear into the atmosphere, feeling the same emptiness as I did now. My thoughts switched to a dark rusted wall with thousands of tally marks scratched into it. Each one a reminder of another day spent alone. We were both orphans, I mused. I felt abandoned,  and she had actually been dumped on that trash planet. I gritted my teeth at the thought of her tiny voice screaming for them not to leave her. How could anyone do that to her?

 

She was only a little girl.  

 

I rubbed my hands over my eyes as I thought about her. I missed Rey and regretted everything I said to her, but she did deserve better. Besides, she had Luke now, and my mother, even the Stormtrooper. She had survived Jakku and the very worst side of myself. She didn't need to have me in her life, too.

 

A strange flapping sound diverted my attention to the doorway. Without warning, a large black object flew into the hut and nearly careened with my face before crashing into the ground. A large fish flopped all over, whipping up dirt in all directions in an effort to get air. I Force-froze the slippery invader and looked over at Nips who sat up and smacked his little mouth together.

 

“Dinner?” I asked, trying to hold back a laugh.

 

Nips nosed a stick in my direction and tilted his head.

 

I picked it up and placed it through the fish’s now-limp body. “Dinner it is then… thanks.”

 

The little Porg sat by my side for the rest of the night.  I was very grateful for the company. It was a bit funny, I supposed, that someone like me somehow attracted such a helpful, and giving creature. He wasn't afraid of me, but Nips had no concept of what I used to be.

 _‘Used to be,’_ I paused at the thought. No, that was an accurate declaration, I wasn't Kylo Ren anymore. I looked over to my unexpected companion and I let out a little snigger of laughter as he snored into the quiet night air. I allowed myself to truly smile for the first time in days. He had unintentionally brought a little bit of peace into my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Ten is already outlined and ready so I should update within the week. Thank you all again for all the comments and kudos! Huge thanks to my beta @dasfeministmermaid for talking me through this chapter and getting everything organized.


	10. My light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben finally makes some progress!

_ Soft furry arms that smelled of Wroshyr leaves held my little legs in place as we ran through the forest of Kashyyyk. My arms were full of shi-shok, a sweet fruit I had grown to love when I visited Chewbacca. I had been left in his care when my parents decided to go on a diplomatic mission to  _ Utapau _. I was only five, and it was the first time they had left me alone. Usually, one would stay and the other would go, but not this time. Han warned Chewie that I liked to wander off; then, he turned to me. ‘The spiders here are no joke, Ben. Webweavers, well, they’re as big as me, and don’t get me started on the Terentatek,’ he had said, only to have my mother scold him about giving me nightmares right after.  Chewie took me for walks through the forest and showed me how to play Dejarik. He even let me shoot the bowcaster and made me promise not to tell my mother. It was that same visit that I had my first nightmare. It wasn't of eight legged spiders, or even large bipedal beasts with horns; no, it was something in the darkness I couldn't quite see. It remained in a corner, just hidden from sight, calling my name, in a raspy, low growl. I tried to run, but my legs felt like they were weighed down by boulders. I awoke suddenly, to Chewie shaking me. I burst into tears as he wrapped me up in his arms. He kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't form the words to explain. So, he sat with me for the rest of the night and told me the story about the little Wookie who went alone into the darkness of the  Shadowlands. There, he had to fight to survive against the Old Prince, the Katarn, a lizard like beast with a rodent-like tail, that stalked him for miles, but he ultimately overcame his fears by finding his rrakktorr-- his fire, his inner strength, and killed the Old Prince, passing his test of ascension.  ‘When you're afraid Ben, think on that. Find your fire, and you won't be afraid anymore.’   _

* * *

  
  


In between the haze of sleep and consciousness, I slowly stirred from the first good night's sleep in days. Dad had not visited, like I had hoped, but there were no nightmares, either. The sound of the morning waves were becoming a familiar comfort. As I lay taking in the smell of  the salty air, I quickly noticed it was unusually warm and humid. The mornings had always been particularly cold due to the fire burning out during the night and the constant stream of frigid air blowing through the atolls. It had become expected I would wake up freezing.  _ How strange. _ More bizarre was the strange ball of heat radiating from the center of my chest. When I cracked open an eye, it was dim, but not so much so that I couldn't make out the silhouette of a peaceful plump porg laying on top of me. Nips snored and snorted as I shifted myself up on my elbows. 

 

“Ahem,  _ excuse _ me.” 

 

Nips rolled over, opened his big round eyes, and blinked. 

 

“You mind?”

 

He yawned and lazily hopped off my chest. 

 

“ _ Thank  _ you,” I rolled my eyes, but couldn't hold back a smile.  

 

The pallet of blankets on the floor was beginning to wear on me. My shoulders and neck were exceptionally sore, but I’d had worse. The crushing blows from enemies and training guards alike over the years had put my entire body through hell, and I had the scars to prove it. A lumpy bed shouldn't be a complaint. Stretching my neck, I looked out the doorway. Even though the sun had not fully risen, I did not want to lay around when I had so much work to do.

 

Nips sat on my shoulder as we walked towards my ship. The island was very peaceful in the twilight. Dew-drenched grass saturated the hem of my cape as it quietly ghosted over the ground. The sudden change in the weather gave me pause, but, at the same time, I welcomed it.  

 

The shuttle’s emergency lights flickered on, illuminating everything in a low yellowish glow. I began the painstaking task of sifting through the debris for something to eat. It took an hour, but, finally, in a small tin box, were two undisturbed ration bars. Using my boots, I cleared a spot on the floor to sit. Leaning up against a dented durasteel panel, I unwrapped my breakfast. It tasted like vanilla and cardboard.  _ Ugh, I need off this island. _ Nips flew in and landed in front of me, smacking his mouth together. 

 

“You do realize, I only have one more?” 

 

He fluttered his wings happily.

 

I shook my head, “Alright,” I sighed and unwrapped my only other bar, “here.” 

 

Today, as I worked on the shuttle, the sun showed no mercy, it didn't take long for me to become a sweaty mess.  I had already stripped away the arm wraps, gloves, cape and tunic as I fought with the repulsorlift array and durasteel paneling which had a large gash exposing the wiring, which also needed to be repaired. Flying the shuttle on the planet wasn't an issue, it would still push against the gravity, but if I wanted to make it through the atmosphere, this panel couldn't be left to chance. It could quickly burn up and then landing again would be impossible. 

 

Nips was as helpful as he had been the day before. If I needed a tool, he’d gladly fetched it, and I let him do so because I could see that it made him happy. It was nice to have company and someone to talk to, even though it was only small talk, and he really couldn't talk back. Somehow, I knew he understood every word. 

 

By mid-afternoon, I finally called it quits. Sweaty and defeated, I pulled myself out from under the shuttle and took a drink of water from a canteen Nips had found in the wreckage. Although I had fixed the wiring harness, I was nowhere near finished with the gash. The flooring inside the shuttle could be used as a patch, but even so, it would set me back for at least another three days, not to mention the mess inside. Speaking of mess, I was one; grass and dirt had once again made their way into my hair. I walked inside the shuttle and stood outside the door to the refresher. Nips had followed me as usual and watched. My fingers only brushed the handle before echoes of screaming began to resonate all around me. It was only the memory of what had happened, not another episode of -- whatever it was. A sheen of newly formed sweat covered my bare chest, making me feel cool and clammy despite the heat of the day. Fear of what could happen prevented me from going a step further.  I didn't want to go back in there; I didn't want to see the blood or hear my victims again. My heart and mind bombarded me with deserved punishment, but I couldn't take it, though I knew I deserved it. 

Snatching my hand away from the door, I stormed off the shuttle. Again, I walked blindly, heading down a narrow pathway that took me all the way down to the water's edge. A gentle breeze blew through my sweaty hair, cooling my scalp. The waves lapped against the toes of my boots. The water here was much calmer, and the rocky shores protruded further out, creating a crescent shaped inlet. Longing for calm, I willed myself to be as serene as the water. Drawing a long breath through my nose, I focused only on the sounds of--

 

_ “gurrhr” _

 

“Nips,” I softly snorted. 

 

Whenever it seemed I was in some sort of downward spiral, there he was, pulling me out of the depths of despair by being, well, a porg.  

 

It was his usual grunting type sound he made to get my attention. He stood in the sand, looking up at me. 

 

“What?”

 

He took a few steps into the surf and then stepped back out. He repeated the same motion several times before I realized he was telling me to get into the water.

 

“You wanna go for a swim?” 

 

He hopped happily.

 

“Do you know how  _ cold _ that water is?” 

 

Nips flapped his wings and grunted again. 

 

_ The porg and his gestures _ , I sniggered to myself.  They were like a little language of his own, made up of the occasional grunt or squawk followed by an innocent stare.

 

The porg landed on my shoulder then began to sniff my hair and made his way down to my underarm. He snorted loudly and dramatically fell to the ground as if my scent had killed him. 

 

“Really! I do  _ not _ smell that bad.” 

 

He sat forward and nodded his head. 

 

“Did you just nod yes at me?” 

 

He nodded again. 

 

_ What could it hurt?  _

 

I removed my boots and trousers, leaving me in only black undershorts. 

 

Nips took off into the water, and I stood the surf, letting the sand wash away beneath my feet, testing the temperature before I took another stride forward. 

 

“Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold… Coooooold,” I chanted, finally sinking into the waves. Using just my hands, I gave myself a good washing-- better than nothing I suppose. When I began to get back out, Nips jumped out of the water right in front of me, splashing me in the face. 

 

“Hey!”

 

He grunted and darted out further into the ocean, stopped abruptly, and waited for me to follow.  _ A little longer couldn't hurt, might as well take advantage of the good weather.  _

 

Diving under the water, my eyes burned from the salt, but they adjusted quickly. Nips zipped through the water as gracefully as he could fly, swimming circles around me like a dance. Then he dove deep into the blackness only to reappear seconds later with a small silvery fish in his mouth. In one gulp, it was gone. I surfaced for air, only to be splashed in the face again. 

 

“Oh yeah?!” I laughed and splashed him back as he quickly disappeared beneath the waves again, and in this moment of childish play, I felt carefree and light for the first time, in many, many years. 

 

Floating on my back, I closed my eyes, letting the sun warm my skin. I tried to remember the last time I went for a swim. It was during our last family outing; we were on Endor. The lake was calm and still, like glass, at least until I jumped into it from a rope swing. I snickered as I remembered how my mother shrieked when I splashed her. ‘Ben Solo!’ she yelled. Then I thought of Rey, and how she almost drowned in the ocean.  _ What was she doing in the ocean, to begin with?  Why-- _

 

A low rumbling growl sounded far too close for comfort. I cracked open my right eye to find a very large green eye looking back at me. Luke’s pet-- Lando--was only feet away. My entire body tensed, all relaxation lost in an instant. Slowly, I rolled from my back to the upright position. Stunned, all I could do was stare back and wait for him to advance. However, the beast did not attack, nor did he growl further, he only stared, blinking owlishly, much like Nips usually did. Then, as quietly as he arrived, he disappeared. Just when my heart began to beat again, there was a sudden flash of white fur and a large splash. The beast breached the water, shot straight up, and then landed on his side. A gigantic wave to surged over my head, pushing me beneath the water. 

 

I tumbled end over end before gathering my bearings and quickly resurfaced. Reorienting myself, I pushed my hair from my eyes and inadvertently glanced over to the rocky shore--  _ Is that? _ I blinked the water from my eyes,  just to make sure.  _ It was _ \-- Rey was walking along the beach, looking down at the sand-- at my clothes-- she stopped-- my heart dropped. Rey turned and set her gaze right at me. Even from a distance, she made my arms and legs feel boneless. Of course, I did what any rational man would do; I dove under the water and swam so far down I didn't know if I would make it back up for air again. Then, as I floated in the cold dark abyss, it struck me, how  _ afraid _ I was, and how badly I just wanted to go to her. I needed her; I wanted her despite myself.   _ Kriff, you're such a coward Ben! Go back, go back up now, you idiot! _ I swam as fast as I could, toward the sunlit surface of the water, chasing the last of my air bubbles. I surfaced with a loud gasp, my eyes darted along the shore, up the rocky cliff but-- she was gone. Something landed right beside me with a loud  _ thunk _ . Twisting my body around towards the sound, I found Chewie-- _ thunk-- _

 

_ Is he throwing rocks at me? _

 

“You’re scaring the fish! A Wookie has to eat you know!” He shouted.

 

When I turned back in the direction I had last seen Rey, she was definitely gone. My shoulders dropped,  _ way to screw it up again, Ben.  _ Returning my attention back to Chewie, I saw he had a makeshift fishing pole of sorts in his hand. Feeling a little guilty about ruining his dinner plans,  I dove back into the water and looked around. Two large fat fish, much like the one from the night before, swam just below my feet. I Force-pulled them both into my grip and made my way back to the shore. Nips also emerged and looked at me with that curious stare of his and followed closely behind.

 

Chewie eyed me suspiciously when I approached, carrying a fish in each of my hands. 

 

I held out one of the fish, offering it to him, “Here, I uh, didn't mean to ruin your fishing,” I looked down to the Porg, “Nips and I only need the one.”

 

He stared at me for a long time, so long in fact, that my arm began to tire from holding up the floppy fish. Assuming he wasn't going to take it, I lowered my arm and walked away.

 

_ At least I tried.  _

 

“You still a terrible cook?” he asked. 

 

I stopped in my tracks and turned around. I shrugged, “Maybe.”

 

He stepped closer, took both fish from my hands, and nodded his head for me to follow him.

 

After gathering up my clothes, I followed him with Nips in tow. We went up a different winding path that took us to old stone steps and those led us to-- the Falcon.  

 

I swallowed hard, “Is… Is, uh” 

 

“No, she’s not here. Rey is training with Luke tonight.” 

 

Chewie gestured for me to sit on one of the three large pieces of driftwood situated around a firepit; then, he disappeared inside the ship. I took the moment of solitude to redress myself, well, as much as I could. Half of my uniform had been left in the shuttle. I rubbed my hands over my arms for warmth. The sun would set soon, and I only had my boots and trousers. Nips settled next to my feet, shaking his feathers dry. When Chewie returned, he tossed me a blanket, much to my relief, and tended to his fire pit.  He didn't say anything, and I didn’t know what to say. Honestly, I was afraid to say anything at all. I didn't want to mess up what ever  _ this _ was. After everything that happened on the cliff, and with my dad, I was confused; perhaps Chewie was too. 

 

He stacked the logs, then set up a kettle for making stew, and started the fire. While he cooked our dinner, I sat with my chin resting on palm and drew lazy circles in the dry dirt at my feet with a stick. Nips took to scratching at the dirt kicking up some of it on the toe of my boots. 

 

“What are you doing?” I asked. 

 

Chewie looked up from the kettle, “He’s likely looking for stones for his nest.” 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“Porgs make a nest with stones, or at least that’s what Luke has told me,” Chewie tilted his head as he watched Nips, “He’s a little late in their season; most have already laid eggs and hatched. Once the young have grown--which won’t take long--,they’ll leave the island, and they won’t come back for one standard year or so.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

“Looks like…  _ Nips _ is it?” Chewie grinned and handed me a bowl full of his soup. 

 

The tips of my ears grew hot, “Yeah, I named him Nips…” I took a sip of the soup, avoiding Chewie’s amused eyes. 

 

“Well, it looks like  _ Nips _ has his eye on a mate,” Chew raised his brow, “Like someone else I know.” 

 

I immediately tensed. Was I that damn obvious? If Chewie knew, then Luke probably did too. Heat flooded into my cheeks.

 

“Yeah, how would you know?” I barked a little more forcefully than intended. 

 

My eyes scrunched shut, and I waited for the Wookie to yell at me, but, instead, he laughed. 

 

“You might not like it, but you’re every bit Han Solo’s son; I know that look, and there aren't any other potential mates for you on this island.” 

 

It was my fault I suppose, I had shamelessly flirted with Rey. 

 

“You're wrong,” I finally admitted out loud.  Bowing my head, I looked back at the ground, “I don’t mind being like dad, I always wanted to be… just like him.” 

 

Chewie chuckled, “So I’m right; you  _ do _ like Rey.”

 

_ Did it matter?  _ It had been a whisper of a thought--that there could have been more between us, that  _ we  _ could have been more…

Yes, I had feelings for her, but they were irrelevant. I had said such horrible things to her. Done such horrible things. Our feelings had been new and unexplored, and any chance we had was already dead before we’d ever met.

_ But if I wasn’t Kylo-- _ I suppressed the thought viciously. It was too dangerous.

 

I sighed and shook my head, “Maybe, in a different life.” 

 

“You only have one life, Ben.”

 

“It’s too late.” 

 

“Your mother and father didn't get off to such a great start either.” 

 

“Look how great that turned out,” I scoffed, “They argued day in and day out. When it got too hard, dad left.” 

 

“They loved each other; when _ it  _ happened, when you... they didn't know how to deal with it. Han knew every time Leia looked at him, she would see your face. So, like a fool, he left and stayed gone so he wouldn't hurt her. Much like what you are trying to do right now. Albeit, in your own twisted way.”  

 

“So, you’re saying I‘m the reason dad left mom.” 

 

Chewie’s furry hand slapped the back of my head, almost causing me to drop my soup. 

 

“Ow, hey!” 

 

“You’re missing the point! He would have done better by her, had he stayed... Rey told me what you said to her.  Look me in the eyes, and tell me you meant it.” 

 

Rubbing the back of my head, I glared at the Wookie through crinkled slits, but I could not bring myself to say that I had meant it. He would know if I lied. Not wanting to look at Chewie, I turned my attention to Nips and gave him a scratch on the top of the head. 

 

“I didn't,” I finally replied.  

 

“Well, you should think on that.”

 

Chewie had his own special way of explaining things, especially to me.  Whenever I had an issue with Han, he’d never take his side by default. He listened to me, which no one else seemed to do. Everyone else had been too busy, but not Chewie. If I needed him… He was there.

 

“I’m sorry, Chewie… I know words will never be enough, but, I wish I could take it all back.” 

 

Chewie drew in a long breath, and I waited again for him to break the stalemate between us, to wrap his hands around my throat again, but, instead, he lowered his head and whispered, “You should probably head back to your hut now.” 

 

The pain that tore through my chest at that moment was nothing compared to what Chewie was going through. I could sense his pain and loneliness, and I alone had been the one to cause it. He had loved me...once. My throat began to burn and ache… I still loved him.  

 

“Come on, Nips,” I croaked just above a whisper as my resolve crumbled.

 

“Ben,” Chewie called softly, “Think on it.” 

 

I swallowed the knot in my throat and nodded. 

 

The moon was bright tonight, illuminating everything in a silvery blue. Shadows danced along the pathway, creating a beautiful and eerie setting. Nips dropped what pebbles he had acquired outside the door to our hut and hopped inside. Once again, a new pile of wood sat unburnt in the middle of my fire pit.  _ I need to gather wood on my own _ .  _ Uncle Luke shouldn't be coddling me like a child _ . Tomorrow, at first light, I would make sure to collect enough for at least the next three days. After starting my fire, I laid down on my bed and placed my hands behind my head. Nips hopped up on top of my chest, preparing to make himself comfortable. 

  
“Hey, what are you doing?” 

 

He shot me an inquisitive look followed by that sorrowful gaze he would give me when he wanted something. 

 

“Fine,” I huffed. 

 

He settled in, burrowing himself into the blanket I had wrapped myself in, and quickly fell asleep. I, on the other hand, lay awake thinking about what Chewie said. Dad left mom because he thought it was better if he wasn't around, so she wouldn't be reminded of me.  I always hated it when he left. Too many times I had watched the Falcon disappear behind the clouds, and too many times I had heard my mother sniff quietly alone in her bedroom; I knew she was crying, and though she would have never admitted to such a thing, I could  _ feel _ it; I didn't need to see it. This was when my longing for my father had turned into hatred. Now, hearing Chewie’s insight, which I knew to be the truth, my skin crawled. How stupid of Han, to think leaving was the right answer. I understood he thought he was being noble but it was just idiocy.   
Then it hit me like a ton of durasteel.  I snorted; that was the point Chewie was making, that I was an idiot.  _ Oh maker, I am Han Solo’s son.  _ I couldn’t fix the problem if I weren't there for her, or Rey.

 

 _Did I always have to mess things up? If only I had made different choices--_ I paused at that thought. 

What would a different life look like, if I had never left home, never gone off with Luke--What would I be doing right now? Pod racing, smuggling, fighting in the rebellion? Would I have worked for my mother in the senate…  _ Ew no, scratch that _ . Politics was never my thing. No, I would have flown with my dad. What would have happened to everyone else? Well, I knew dad would still be alive, at least. But, would Luke have found Snoke?  Would I have found Rey? Would she still be on that hell planet, wasting her life on trash? 

 

Closing my eyes, I imagined a different life. One where I would be the one to come back for her, flying into Jakku on the Falcon. Finding her scaling a downed star destroyer or whizzing by on her red speeder. But in my deepest desires, I would find her in the AT-AT marking the wall. I would step inside and tell her she didn't have to wait anymore; I had come for her. Of course, that scenario ended with a kiss and me whisking her away. Obviously completely unrealistic; that wasn't Rey. I smiled in the darkness of the hut.  Rey would have most likely beat me with her staff for intruding. The thought of it actually playing out the more realistic way made me laugh, nearly jiggling Nips off of my chest. 

 

Maybe, it was better it had ended up this way. If Snoke had sensed her rather than me, everything would be different, but I liked to think Rey would have fought off the darkness far better than I had. I was thankful it was me and not her. If there was a silver lining, that was it. 

 

***

The sun glimmered in a meadow of honey-colored grass. The wind gently blew through the lush green leaves of a large tree. This is where I sat, against the trunk, taking in the scent of the freshly-picked flowers adorning her chestnut-colored hair. Rey’s back was pressed against my chest as we both watched the clouds move across the deep blue sky above. I pressed my lips against her hair as I wrapped my arms around her.  Somewhere in my subconscious, I realized I was dreaming. The field we were looking at was the same one I had played in as a child on Chandrila. The tree we sat under was the same one I had climbed almost every day after I finished my studies. Everything felt so warm and inviting; we were so easily lost in it. And here she sat, just as I secretly let myself imagine only a few times before. If I could have held her closer, I would’ve. 

 

“I miss you,” I whispered. 

 

“I know.” 

 

“This is what I want,” I confessed. If this was the only place I could have her, then, so be it. 

 

“Me too,” she whispered.  

 

My heart skipped a beat, and I sighed into her hair, letting her warmth overtake me.  It felt so right, like it should be, _ or should have been _ .  I wanted to tell her so many things--I was sorry, and I was an idiot, but the only thing I could put into words was--

 

“Rey, you are my rrakktorr,” I breathed, knowing exactly what the word meant even though the memory and the story behind it happened so long ago. It is hard to pronounce in Basic without using the typical Shyriiwook growls and howls. 

  
  


Rey twisted around slowly to face me, her brow furrowed slightly in confusion, but a smile threatened to blossom at the corners of her mouth, “What does that mean? She asked softly. 

 

I knew Rey could speak Shyriiwook; I had seen it in her mind when memories of my father flickered by, during her interrogation, but this word, it was sacred and ancient. Not something spoke in everyday conversation. 

 

“My inner strength, or my fire, is its official meaning, but I would like to add a definition...   _ My light. _ Because that is what you are to me,” the words came so effortlessly, without cowardice or reservation. Here, I was safe; the dream wasn't real, so neither was she. But the words I spoke were. 

 

There was hunger and a longing when I looked into her gentle hazel eyes. She licked her rose-colored bottom lip and cupped my cheek with her hand.  My stomach fluttered when she pressed her lips to my scarred cheek, and again when she kissed the corner of my mouth.  Rey curled in closer to me burrowing herself into my chest, clutching my tunic tightly in her fists. 

 

“Ben?” 

 

“Hmmm?” I answered, letting my cheek rest against her head as my fingers ran through long strands of her hair. 

 

“Are you really here...in my dream?” 

 

I froze, “Wait…. What?”   
  


  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha, I left you guys a cliff hanger and threw you a bone at the same time. Reylo is coming, hang in there! Also, there will be a slight time jump coming up just a tiny one (for reasons) Hope you enjoyed this chapter, I have the other 3 outlined so I should be able to update within the next week or so.


	11. Hunger Pains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry so long between posts, I had a lot going on. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It's a little longer than the others.

_“Mommy!” I cried into the darkness, squeezing my tooka tightly in my hands. I waited for an answer but heard nothing, “Mommy!”_

_I cry louder as the voice whispered, “She’ll never come; you’re only bothering her, you brat,” but over the whisper, I heard my mother's feet hit the ground and begin their hasty pace down the hall towards my bedroom door. The hallway light cut on and she opened the door._

_“Ben, sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice doused with sleepiness._

_“The voice, it’s back,” I croaked just as I began to cry again._

****

_“Oh Angel, it's just a bad dream,” she soothed, slipping into the bed to lay beside me._

****

_“It seemed real. It told me I was, I was-- bothering you,” I sniffed._

****

_“You could never bother me Ben, what did I tell you?” she asked while her fingers ran through my hair._

****

_“I’m your light?”_

****

_“That’s right, you are my light, and I love you.”_

****

_“How do I make the voice go away?” I asked._

****

_“When I was a little girl and was scared of the dark, my father used to tell me stories until I fell asleep. Would you like to hear one of those?”_

****

_I nodded._

****

_“Well, alright then,” she tucked in close to me, “A long, time ago in a galaxy far far away…”_

****

* * *

 

I opened my eyes and blinked.

For a second, I didn't know who or where I was until the walls of the hut came into focus. I remembered everything--Rey. _It couldn't have been real, could it? No, my defenses were strong-- weren't they?_ The center of my chest felt cold as if there was an unnatural absence of warmth. I gently lifted my head from my pillow-- Nips was gone. I shifted up to my elbows, the fire was out already, and the sun hadn't risen yet. I flung my head back and huffed at the ceiling. The cold, unforgiving wind rushed inside the hut, reminding me I needed to gather wood and get my clothes from the shuttle.

 

With the blanket Chewie had loaned me draped over my shoulders, I shuffled groggily and tripped, stubbing my toes

“Damn it!” I grumbled, searching for the cause-- _rocks?_

Right outside the door was a large collection of smooth stones, arranged in a circle. Nips undoubtedly had been up well before me, gathering stones for his nest. I'd have to be more careful from now on. _He could have moved it over a little to the left though._ Leaning against the doorway, I pulled my boots on. I searched the horizon for a hint of the time. It was too dark to venture down to the beach, but I didn't want to sit in the dank and dark hut for the next few hours awaiting sunrise. Instead, I walked along the edge of the cliff, passing by the Porg nest I had saved from Luke’s _pet_ and found it empty.

 _Isn’t it too soon for the young to leave the nest? It’s only been four days_ . I looked around, but there was nothing left but a few stray feathers. I hoped the sea beast had not ventured back and had a snack. I shuddered; nature was cruel. I wandered back to the spot where I had my little breakdown, no, _my huge breakdown_. It was difficult to even think about. So, I didn’t, and pushed it far away from my mind. I sat bundled up on the edge of the cliff and watched the twilight melt away; a majestic sunrise, with a red-orange glow over the horizon, slowly took its place. I wished Rey was by my side witnessing the same.

I closed my eyes and let the sun warm my face, remembering how her lips felt against my skin, the scent of her hair, the warmth of her body pressed against my chest. How I wished it were real; it was a fool's hope that it had been some sort of shared dream. But, Rey wouldn't want me in her head. It was what it was, just a dream. _Pull it together Ben, you have work to do._ I ran my bare hands through my unkempt hair. _Yeah, and then what?_

Honestly, I didn't let myself think that far out. But I knew the time had come to admit the truth. I needed to see my mother, talk to her about Sloane, or at least help her in some way. There were ideas that had occasionally flickered through my mind but nothing solid to grasp onto yet. None of these things could percolate into anything useful until I fixed that _damn_ shuttle. I huffed and watched my breath float through the cool air. My one day of good weather had vanished. _Figures._

 

Half dressed with only the blanket to protect my chest from the cold, I reluctantly walked down to the beach and began to collect the driest driftwood I could find. It became apparent very quickly, that I had not thought this through.  The winds were particularly vicious, whipping the blanket violently and it was extremely difficult to keep it wrapped around my shoulders with one hand and carry wood in the other. I began to make a small pile which was taking a lot more effort than I had anticipated. A rogue gust of wind blew in from the ocean causing me to fight to keep the blanket, but ultimately I lost my grip.

“Ughhhhhhh,” I growled loudly and dropped the wood to catch it, but I was too late. I watched helplessly as it tumbled along the wet beach and into the water-- _Rey_.

There she stood with a bundle of wood cradled in her arms, my blanket sopping wet at her feet. My legs felt like they were knee-deep in the sand; I couldn't move. Like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, I stared at her, unmoving. Her gaze locked on to me, and suddenly I felt my mouth run dry. Gently, I searched through the Force, opening up my side of the bond ever so slightly just to see if I could get a read, but Rey’s side was closed. I shut mine immediately. Without taking her eyes off of me, she set down her firewood down and picked up the wet blanket. She took a step, hesitated a moment, then walked towards me. The closer she came, the louder my heart throbbed in my ears.

Then, there she stood, only an arm’s length away... Her head tilted to the side curiously, then she wrinkled her brow. I knew I looked like a complete moof milker gaping at her like a fish out of water. But she was even more beautiful than in my dreams, the rays of light from the sunrise caught the flecks of brilliant golds and greens in her brown eyes. Her lips slightly parted when she looked up at me through her long dark lashes. I tried to avert my eyes from her lips, the ones I wanted so badly to crush with my own, but I found myself looking at her neck, _no don’t look there you idiot_ , then her chest, _oh Force no, don’t look there either,_ my eyes darted to her chestnut-colored hair-- her clothes. Without warning or forethought, I just blurted out…

 

“You changed your clothes.”

 

I cringed inwardly; I had practically barked it at her. I don’t know why I said it, but it _was_ different; she had darker more Jedi-like robes, just like the ones she wore in our shared vision when she healed me. Rey raised her eyebrows; an amused smile appeared briefly, and I quickly looked down at the sand. My cheeks warmed, I knew I had turned at least three different shades of red.

 

I finally raised my eyes to see her reaction, but her eyes weren’t there to meet mine. They were on my stomach, and they slowly traveled up to my chest.

It was only now that I realized how I must appear. Bare chested, only trousers and boots, the wind whipping my hair all over my face, exposing my large and probably very red ears-- a foolish disheveled mess. The way her eyes roamed over my chest made me feel--exposed, naked-- embarrassed.

She’d healed my body, but the faint trace of scars remained, bare in the daylight.

What was she thinking--Had I taken innocent lives and in the process received the damage?

I knew the answer was yes; my past was clearly marked on my skin as well as my mind.

Did she know? Did she realize? Did that make me hideous to look at?

I knew I wasn't a prize to begin with. I had inherited the Solo nose; somewhere, someone in my family had enormous ears, and I was far too tall, maybe even gangly, with my oversized feet and hands. Unlike my father, girls never gave me eyes. The closest I had come was holding hands, and I was nine.

 

Rey’s eyes jumped back up to mine, wide like she had also been caught. _Did she hear me?_ _No, impossible, the bond was shut._ The entire ordeal lasted only a moment, but it felt like forever.

 

She bit her bottom lip, then sheepishly looked down to the blanket still in her hand and extended it out towards me. “You should put something on, it's cold,” She quipped.

 

“I...uh..I-- yeah,” I stuttered like a fool and took the blanket.

 

Our fingers grazed briefly in the exchange and sent a shockwave coursing through my body like I had just touched an exposed live wire; the two of us gasped simultaneously and locked eyes. By the look on her face, she hadn't expected it, and neither had I, but we didn't acknowledge it out loud. Rey quickly let go of the blanket and turned to walk away. She made it five steps, stopped, and turned to face me. Her mouth opened to say something but then closed. My legs pushed me forward; I took at least three strides and stopped. There were so many things I wanted to say, _I’m sorry, I’m a complete kriffing jerk, I need you, I want you, come back, stay,_ but the only thing I managed to say was--

 

“Thank you.”

 

Rey nodded once and returned to her pile of wood. I watched silently as she picked it all up and walked away, shrinking into the distance. I stood in the freezing cold wind until she was completely out of view, then cursed under my breath as I regathered all of my wood and carried it, along with my sand-covered _useless_ wet blanket all the way back up to the hut.

 

Why had I not said what I really meant? She didn't seem to be angry with me, in fact, if anything, she’d seemed…. _amused_.

_Well, she had a good reason to laugh didn't she, Ben?_

I used my free hand to comb my fingers through my hair, covering my ears. I knew it was ridiculous, but I was a ridiculous mess. When I crested the small ridge where I could see the hut, a familiar scent carried in the wind-- burning wood. Inside the hut was a lit fire and a ration bar.

 

The bundle of wood in my arms clattered to the ground.

It had been _Rey_ , it had always been Rey… my throat began to ache from the knot swelling inside it. Even after all I had said, after all I done to her, _she_ had been the one leaving me wood every single day.

 

 _Don't read too much into it, Ben; she’s a good person--she wouldn't want me to freeze to death or starve._ Rey was a hardened scavenger yes, but she also knew what it was like to suffer from deprivation. Obviously, she wouldn't wish that on her worst enemy.

I knew deep down I couldn't be her worst enemy.

 

Sitting as close as I could to the fire ,I tore into the ration bar. It tasted like cardboard but with a hint of chocolate. I’d eat dirt if Rey told me to, so I didn't complain. No longer freezing and now able to focus, I wondered... _what was the electric like shock we shared?_ _It was obviously the Force but why was it so charged?_

It reminded me of the way Force Lightning felt when it struck your skin. A shiver ran up my spine. The only time I had experienced it was under Snoke, after the incident with my mother and the bombing at the Senate building. It felt like you were burning from the inside out, like you were holding on to a live wire and refused to release it. It took me a week to recover, and thankfully, the punishment was not as severe as I knew it could have been, leaving me disfigured. No, Snoke didn't want to damage me, not in that way. He had done it to prove a point; I was _his_.

Whatever had passed between Rey and I was stronger. Unlike Snoke’s punishments, a calm had washed over me afterwards for a few fleeting seconds and then vanished. It was something that I would, unfortunately, have to ask Luke about later-- whenever that was. Right now, I needed to refocus my attention on fixing the shuttle and getting to my mother-- alive. No doubt the second I show up in Resistance territory, they would be all over me. With my shuttle in its current condition, an aerial dog fight was _not_ a good idea.

 

Once inside the shuttle, I redressed and began to finish up wire work under the landing gear. Hopefully, the repairs would hold until I got to my next destination, wherever that was. The inside of the ship were still a mess, so I began the painstaking task of cleaning up. It wasn't completely necessary, but if I had make a quick exit, I couldn't be tripping all over broken glass and shipping containers.

 

By mid afternoon, the durasteel grates on the floor made an appearance and so did Nips. I had wondered if he would show up at some point; I missed his handiness at passing tools. Not that I needed the help; it was simply amusing to watch. But instead of trying to aid in the cleanup, Nips began his scratching around much like he had done the night prior in the dirt, but this time, he picked up a large shard of glass.

 

“Hey, whoa, put that down, right now….”

 

Nips squinted his eyes at me.

 

“Drop it…”

 

Finally, he complied but then began picking up other random shiny things in his mouth, the eye to the BB-unit I still needed to fix and then the pilex driver. I kept yelling at him not to touch, but I couldn't keep up.

 

“Alright, alright, let's go back down to the beach and grab some… rocks.”

 

Within a second, he was out the door. I quickly followed. We were heading to a new area, and when I finally caught up, I couldn't quite believe what I saw.

 

Hundreds of Porgs were congregating on the shore. Some were scratching around in the dirt, or fluffing their feathers, and some tended to the smaller ones-- the babies. It was odd to feel sad about the Porgs in the nest I tried to save. Perhaps my heart wasn't as black as I thought.

Then I noticed that some had stones in their mouths which they would drop in front of another Porg. I studied them for a moment, trying to figure out what it was they were -- _Ah, an offering for a mate._ It made more sense as to why there were so many in one area now.

 

Nips hopped around my feet, scratching the sand. I used the toe of my boot to do the same when something glimmered in the sunlight and caught my eye. It was small, round, and ivory, but it had a pinkish-blue sheen to it. At first I thought it was the inside of a shell, but as I unearthed it a bit more, I realized it was a stone. I pulled off my glove, knelt down, and plucked it from the sand. It was smooth to the touch as I turned it over in my palm. It was rare sight amongst all the other black stones and dark sand. It stood out like a shining star. I grinned to myself-- like Rey.

 

“Here, Nips, this one,” I outstretched my hand to him.

 

His large black eyes grew larger, if that was possible, and he wasted no time snatching it from my fingers. He disappeared into the sea of Porgs, and I took a seat on the rocks and watched the little creatures make sounds at each other.

 

“I hate sand.”

 

There was no need to look to know the owner of the voice-- Anakin.

 

“Ugh, what do _you_ want?”

 

“Really? You spend all those years asking for me, and now you don’t want my company?”

 

“If I had known how annoying you were, I wouldn't have asked for you.”

 

“You’re angry with me, I get it. But how was I supposed to know that my suggestion would drive you to the edge… literally.”

 

If I could punch a Force Ghost, I would. I snatched a glance at gramps, him and his youthful self, sitting next to me with the exact same posture as I had. He caught me looking and grinned. I could see my mother in his smile, damned Skywalker genes.I returned my attention to the Porgs, ignoring him, hoping he would go away. But he didn't.

 

“I gave your grandmother a necklace once…”

 

I crinkled my forehead and turned to face him, “What?”

 

“When we first met, I gave her a necklace. She kept it with her every day, as a reminder of me. It was nearly ten years before I seen her again, still, she kept it,” The cocky annoying smirk was gone, and a more contemplative Anakin appeared, “I know I do not look old Ben, but I’m an old man.”

 

Even with the shimmering ghostly hue, it was still easy to discern the tears in his bright blue eyes-- Luke’s eyes.

 

“You remind me of her a bit; she was very strong-willed and had a sharp, keen mind, just like you,” he paused, and I could tell he was deliberating his next words, “she stood by me, you know, even before I fell completely. I had done unspeakable things.”

 

I had always wondered what my grandfather had been like in his youth, before the fall. Drawing in a cautious breath I dared to ask, “Like… what?”

 

“I slaughtered an entire village of Sand People after they killed my mother.”

 

“Deserved it then if you ask me.”  If anyone hurt my mother, I would have done the same and maybe more. I had taken the wrath of Snoke for her when I warned her about the bombing. Punishing those responsible would be easy by comparison. There had been no time to deliberate; I reacted on instinct, grabbing the closest thing to write on-- a paper streamer--and hid it under a folded napkin. I only had time to write one word, ”RUN”. Mind-tricking a groundskeeper to place it where my mother would find it was the easy part. Hiding it from Snoke, not so much.

 

“Perhaps, the ones responsible...but not the women and children, Ben. It tore me apart afterward. I knew what I had done was wrong, and I confessed as much to her. Padme didn't turn me away; she wasn't appalled; she didn't even act shocked, now that I think about it. But, I allowed her to comfort me.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?”

 

“I see how you’ve cut yourself off, from Luke,” he paused, “from Rey.””

 

“I’m not her burden to bear.”

 

“I may have tried to push Padme away a time or two, but I never told her she was worthless.”

 

“What do you want me to do? Tell her I’m sorry? I saw her today; she barely spoke to me.”

 

“So she ran away? Screamed at you? Spat? Hit you?”

 

“Well, no but--”

 

“But what, Ben? Why are you doing this?”

 

“I’m undeserving. I’ve done nothing to make anything right--my life-- to atone. She’s had a hard life; it's not her job to save me or comfort me. Besides, I don’t think she’d like to be subjected to my mind after all the--”

 

“Go on.”

 

“Dreams, screams of my victims, the vision of blood in the shower…” I snorted, “my self-pity. I don’t want to do that to her.”

 

“Rey is a strong girl, she can handle herself. Padme could handle a blaster without any help from me, and wrangled politicians with ease. It's amazing how much your mother is like her. Tough as durasteel, the three of them.  In any case, it doesn’t seem she’s overly eager for you to die.”

 

“She’s kind,” I shrugged, “She’d do that for anyone; I’m not special in that way to her grandfather.” Rey had easily befriended the rogue stormtrooper, and taken in a droid who meant nothing to her; she could have sold him for scrap but chose not to. Kindness was in her nature, and this conversation was beginning to wear on me.

 

“How do you know?” he pressed.

 

Why did he insist on antagonizing me? Couldn't I just sit on the beach and watch my Porg get a girlfriend in peace?

 

“The Force it doesn't lie! When I saw her at the beach today, she had our bond completely blocked. Rey, has cut herself completely off from me and I her!” I snapped.

 

Anakin leaned back and cocked an eyebrow, “Interesting how the Wookie knew to be in the right place, at the exact right time.”

 

My mouth fell open, and my blood ran cold. Anakin looked satisfied at my reaction, and that stupid smug look grew ever more apparent across his face. Then he winked and disappeared. _Why does he always do that? I resented his appearances more than ever. He was definitely wrong. The bond was shut, I’d checked. I walled myself off; there is no way..._

 

Perhaps Nips sensed my irritation, or he had an aptitude to show up right when I was about to lose it, because he flapped up to my feet, but he wasn't alone. Beside him stood another Porg with very distinct orange feathers around her eyes and the opalescent stone in her mouth. All of the aggravation my grandfather had caused disappeared. I couldn't contain the smile that grew across my face. Nips was introducing me to his mate.

 

I gave him a nod, “She’s a looker.”

 

He flapped happily, and the two flew away. I barked out a laugh, how ridiculous me and this little Porg were.

It had been a very long weird day as were most days since I landed on this island. When I arrived back at my modest dwelling, there wasn't a fresh pile of wood. It would be a lie to say I was disappointed, but I _did_ have my own, from earlier. I lit the new fire and pulled off my boots, setting them by the door and laid on my lumpy bed with my hands under my head in an attempt to get comfortable. There was enough to keep me warm, but a certain Porg usually laid on my chest or at the bottom of feet during the night. For the first time since I arrived, I was truly alone. My stomach growled loudly, I had not eaten since the morning-- too preoccupied with Nips and Anakin to notice. It was too late to go out fishing, and I certainly wasn't about to knock on the door of the Falcon. Frustrated, I let out a sigh and rolled to my side. It wasn't like I hadn’t been without food before; I’d survive until the morning. Although, the thought of fish for breakfast was less than desirable. My eyes struggled to stay open despite the hunger pains. But I didn't let that stop me from thinking about her as I drifted off to sleep.

 

*******

_The compartment smelled of rusted bolts and Steelpecker fodder, but I needed the alluvial dampener on the coupling motivator. I couldn't believe I had actually found one intact; it would sell for at least three portions. Anything less meant the blobfish Plutt was trying to swindle me. A shadow cast against the far-off wall. I only had a small amount of sunlight left; I knew better than to be caught out after dark-- too easy to be snuck up on. There was no way I was about to lose this prize. It took a bit of effort to pry the parts free, but I managed to get three off undamaged. Quickly, I stuffed them into my bag and began the climb down from the former mighty warship_ the Ravager _. Once outside, I wasted no time jumping onto my speeder and zipping over the_ Crackle _\-- the glass sand of the_ Graveyard of Giants _. I wouldn't be able to trade these today; Plutt had likely already closed up shop. It would be worth the wait, though._

 

_Once inside the toppled over AT-AT, I stripped my off mask and dropped my bag by the table, took out my worn nail, and scratched a tally mark on the wall._

 

_My stomach groaned and twisted into itself, but I ignored it. This wouldn't be the first time I would go to bed hungry or the last. The wind whipped through the doorway, and I shivered. The desert gets cold at night--I had better close the hatch. But before I had a chance, an alarm beeped by the control panel-- an intruder. Quickly, I readied my weapon-- a staff?_

_Wait, this isn't mine…_

 

_“Hello,” called a voice from the doorway._

 

_“I don’t have anything for you to take, so beat it!” I snapped._

 

_Before I could utter another forceful word, in popped a young girl with chestnut hair and hazel eyes. Dressed in a gray tunic with light arm wraps and dark brown boots, she seemed familiar. Her eyes darted to the staff in my hand then back to my face, and her brow knitted in confusion. There was something strange about the way she looked at me-- as if we knew each other._

_“Sorry to intrude,” she began cautiously, “but I noticed your door was open and--”_

 

_I lowered the staff to my side, “Who are you?_

 

 _The girls head tilted slightly, “You don’t_ know _my name?” she asked._

 

_I studied her sun-kissed face speckled with brown freckles, her lips a perfect shade of sunset pink. At first glance, she seemed delicate, but her eyes gave away her fierceness-- this girl was unbreakable, I could sense it. Maybe I knew her, but my mind couldn't grasp where it was I knew her from. But how could I forget such a beauty?_

 

_“Should I?”_

 

_The girl raised her eyebrows at me, stunned, but she quickly regained her composure and dug her hand into a leather satchel at her side. Instinctively, I raise the staff again, and she reared back, holding her hands up with two portion packs in them._

 

_“Easy,” she breathed and set the portions on the table small between us, “I know you’re…” she paused, choosing her words carefully it seemed, “you look like you’re hungry.”_

 

_I didn't understand why I was so defensive; it was a bit irrational, almost, feral. Realizing my rudeness, I lowered the weapon again. I picked up the portions and without another word began to prepare it over the little makeshift stove. It was like I operated on autopilot-- my hands just moved through the motions as if I had done this a thousand times before. I could feel the girl’s eyes on me. It was hard to tell if she was watching out of fear or curiousity._

 

_“Thank you,” I said as I plated our dinner._

 

_“You’re welcome.”_

 

_We ate in silence, mainly because we were stuffing the food in our mouths quickly, we barely gave ourselves a second to breathe. It didn't take long for the plate to empty, and I began to lick it. Midway through I stopped-- why was I doing this? My cheeks warmed, and I hastily sat the plate down by my feet. The winds whistled loudly outside, and a breeze blew in through the still-open hatch. The girl slowly rose to her feet, closed the door, and opened a compartment overtop of a hammock in the corner. Without giving me a chance to protest, she pulled a blanket out and draped it over my shoulders. Then my stomach growled loudly as if I had not eaten at all._

 

_The girl gave me a sympathetic smile, “In the desert, hunger, reminds us that we are alive.”_

 

_“Do you live around here?” I asked._

 

_A small smirk played upon her lips, “You could say that,” she answered._

 

_“Have you been here long? Are you alone, too?”_

 

_The amusement on her face died instantly. I had said something wrong._

 

_“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, I only thought--”_

 

_She reached out and covered my hand with hers, giving a small reassuring squeeze. A pleasant vibration rippled through my body._

 

_“I’m not alone at the moment, and neither are you, Ben, remember that.”_

 

Ben? Wait, I’m Ben… I’m Ben Solo and _she’s_ \--

 

 _I was on my feet before I knew I had stood, and immediately scrambled back away from her, tripped backwards over an old resistance helmet, then took down an entire wall of her knick knacks in a loud clatter and crushed her tiny table into pieces as I landed on top of it. My eyes whirled around the small space inside the AT-AT--_ her _home, not mine… Rey’s._

 

_Rey was on her feet, standing over me, hands out, “Shhhhh, shhhhh, Ben, it’s alright, calm down. It's a dream, it’s okay, we’re dreaming.”_

_This wasn't just a dream, it was very personal to her; I had somehow pressed myself into Rey’s mind while asleep. I was the intruder, not her._

 

_Horrified, I pleaded, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I shouldn't be here. Rey, forgive me.”_

 

_She didn't have a chance to respond. The world turned upside down, and the orange glow from the fire came into focus._

 

I jolted upward and looked around the hut. Sweat dripped down from my hairline and over my temples. I huffed, trying to catch my breath.

 

“Rey.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the kudos and comments! 
> 
> They can't stay away from each other forever, it is an island, after all. It was bound to happen sooner than later. Ben is very self-conscious to a degree. I think that when he first met Rey, he was totally peacocking himself, but that was his alter ego- Kylo Ren. I don't think he took the helmet off and gave her the smolder because he felt he was hot, lol but because he wanted to surprise her by being young and human. He knew she found him attractive, (well in this story he noticed), but now he's Ben really truly Ben Solo. He's more vulnerable and in love with Rey as he wasn't before-- now he sees himself differently. His physical appearance reflects his life choices, and that's where the hideous thought came from. He has done horrible things that make him ugly he thinks. The rest of his self-loathing is just him being overly self-conscious because he's in front of a girl half naked and a mess, who he finds beautiful.  
> Also, Ben Solo loves his mother despite everything. I believe he loved his parents deeply before he was sent away and that love turned to hatred but not for them like he thought, but for himself. Covering himself head to toe in black was a way to hide his true self-- Ben. If no one else seen him for who he was, then he could try and forget too. But in the early stages of his conversion to Kylo Ren he slipped up and warned his mother about a bombing. Snoke punishes him for it and Ben goes down the rabbit hole even further.  
> Again, I have to thank my beta @dasfeministmermaid for taking the time to edit this and talk me through the storyline. I don't know what I would do with out her!


	12. Uncle Luke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of big steps for Ben this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy!

_The familiar sound of an old X-wing roared over head. I bounded through the waist-high grass past my favorite tree and through the gate to our home._

****

_“Uncle Luke!”_

****

_“Ben, my boy!”_

****

_Luke scooped me up in his arms and held me tight. He pulled away and gave me a look over shifting me in his arms._

_“My how you’ve grown! How old are you now?”_

****

_“Six!”_

****

_“Well, then show me those muscles.”_

****

_I grinned and flexed my arms._

****

_He sat me back down on the ground and gave my long dark hair a good tousle._

****

_He retrieved a box from behind the pilot's seat of his X-wing. “I got you something,” he winked, then lowered the box so I could see inside._

****

_My mouth fell agape, “Are those droid parts?”_

****

_“They are, but they’re salvaged; you’ll have to build one yourself.”_

****

_He handed me the oversized box, and I stared at it in awe. Then I sat it on the ground and flew into his arms._

****

_“You're the best uncle ever! Can you help me, just a little while you’re here?”_

****

_“Of course, Ben.”_

****

_And he did. After a long boring dinner with my parents, we spent the entire night in the garage on the ground going through all the different droid parts. I didn't know it at the time, but Luke was gauging my Force abilities. He would ask me to levitate a tool or guess what he was holding behind his back. To me, they were just fun games I never got to play on normal days. Luke was the only one who encouraged it._

****

_I spent some of the best years of my life in our garage tinkering with droids. It took me years to build a simple MSE-6 series repair droid, but only because I waited for Luke to come back for a visit. Neither mom or dad appreciated the little mouse droid; it reminded them too much of the Empire, even though I painted him gold to match Threepio. But it helped me keep the garage floor clean._

****

_The older I grew, the more serious the conversations would become while we sat on the cold duracrete floor. I would get into more trouble at home, and Luke would try to pry out of me what was going on. How could I tell them I heard voices, that I was being compelled to do horrible things? I kept quiet and just shrugged when he asked._

****

_There was something about spending hours focused only on fixing old starship parts or droids. It was when I felt the calmest. Sometimes, my mother would find me in the garage, alone, in the early hours of the morning. Instead of prying, she would bring me a cup of juice and an early breakfast. Occasionally, she’d watch silently and run her fingers through my hair. She never once scolded me, or asked why; I’m sure she suspected the nightmares drove me out of bed._

 

* * *

 

“Luke!”

 

 _Thud, thud, thud,_ my fist pounded loudly against the shabby door, “Luke, open the door, _please!”_

In the dead silence of the night, I could hear Luke murmuring to himself before the rickety old hinges creaked loudly as he emerged looking as I knew he would, hair mussed and sleepy-eyed.

“What's wrong, Ben?” he grumbled.

 

“Everything.”

 

I pushed past him, not waiting for him to invite me inside. His bushy eyebrows raised with surprise and bewilderment.

Luke closed the door and shuffled around his hovel, adding wood to the fire, and then lit two small lanterns, providing extra light. He was dressed in his night clothes; his trousers were too short for his old legs, and they exposed shin-high socks. He had wrapped a tattered brown shawl around his shoulders for extra warmth. In fact, his hut was stifling. What was it about old people and heat? Lor San Tekka had been the same way.

“Ben, you're wandering in your thoughts,” Luke said calmly placing a pot of water to warm over the fire, “where the hell are your boots?”

“I uh-what?” But the question answered itself when I looked at my bare feet covered in dirt. I had bolted out of my hut the second I woke up.

“I had a dream,” I barked. My annoyance was not with Luke; I'm sure he sensed as much because he ignored me and continued to rummage through his makeshift kitchen for cups.

“Uh huh, and what kind of dream was it? Prophetic, the past--”

“Shared.”

The cups tumbled from his hands and broke into pieces on the floor. Luke looked at me, wide-eyed.

 

_Well, that woke him up._

“So it is true,” he mumbled, not paying any mind to the broken cups on the floor.

“What’s true?”

“I think you’d better sit down, Ben.”

Although it had been a very long time, I knew the tone in Luke’s voice; he was shaken. I ran my fingers over my tired eyes and took a seat at the wooden table.

He scooped up the broken cups and supplied two new ones as he prepared tea. It was often his practice to do so when he wanted to have an in-depth conversation; usually, it was to scold me for acting upon my emotions. When he finished, he handed me a cup of the brownish-green liquid and sat across from me. The familiar scent of root leaves filled my senses, taking me back to my time on Tatooine.

I took a sip, trying to ignore Luke’s contemplative stare as he shifted in his seat.

“First, I want to say… I’m proud of you.”

I nearly choked on my tea, “You're... what?”

“Do you not realize this is the first time you’ve ever come to me _willingly_ with a problem, or for advice?”

 _Well, now I do._ Luke was right, I was a defiant teenager and extremely closed off in my early twenties.

“What does it mean? I’ve heard shared of visions, like the one Rey and I had here in this hut, but never dreams. Surely in your travels, before our time together, you’ve read something?” I did not try to hide the desperation in my voice.

Luke reached across the table and covered his hand with mine. Years of sparing practice had left his hands rough and calloused, but there was also a soft, fragile feel to his warm, aging skin.

“For the last six years of my life, I have stayed on this island because I thought I done the wrong thing by you. But I see now, it was always meant to be this way, and nothing I could have done would have stopped it.”

 

I knew Luke was regretful, but it still stung he had not trusted me with the truth about my grandfather and then left me to the wolves.

 

“You’re talking about how you ditched me?”

 

“Leaving you on that planet alone was my last-ditch effort to save you from the darkness. I thought if I took Snoke on myself, you’d be safe. Once that threat was neutralized, I would have come back for you.”

 

I had sat in the same exact spot for at least three days in deep meditation, reaching desperately for a connection through the Force-- to Luke--before I had completely given up hope for a rescue.

“So why didn't you?”

 

It was a question I had wanted answered since the day I woke up alone, with nothing but a broken lightsaber and the clothes on my back. Luke had faith in Vader and pulled him from the darkness. Why had he not believed in me?   

 

“I failed; I didn't kill Snoke as I intended. I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough, although I maimed him pretty badly. Even so, I knew then, he would come for you, and I was powerless to stop it. I was a fool, Ben. An old fool, who made a terrible mistake,” Luke paused, and his brow creased, “With Snoke at your back, there was no way for me to reach you, even though my plans were well-intended, I had left you, just like Han.”

 

I gripped the teacup tightly with my free hand, as if doing so would help me fight off the pain that came with his words. A long silence settled between us. Luke kept his gaze fixed on the table as the lantern flickered, casting dancing shadows across his face. Luke was never one to show emotions, especially strong ones like regret or sadness. I had looked up to him once, and I had loved him.  I knew he was sorry the moment I confronted him about it days ago, but I was too angry to forgive.

And what had my anger led to? The death of my father and countless others.

I couldn't let anger control me anymore.

 

“I forgive you, uncle.”

 

Four simple words were all it took to draw a tear from Luke’s sullen eyes. Never once had I ever seen Luke Skywalker cry. It is hard to see him so vulnerable, and I felt a knot gathering in the back of my throat.  I turned my hand over in his and squeezed gently. Luke took a deep breath and nodded while wiping the tears from his cheeks.

 

“I took the Barash Vow, an old Jedi oath or penance for my shortcomings as a Jedi Master,” he said, finally meeting my eyes, “It meant I would live with the Force but not use it for teaching or stopping a war like your mother would have me do. I exiled myself here, to seek wisdom, an answer--”

“Did you find one?”

“It found me,” a warm smile spread across his face.

“Rey?”

“Not just Rey,” he shook his head, “the both of you.”

I narrowed my eyes on his bright blue ones.

He gave my hand a pat with his metal appendage and rose from his seat, “There’s something you need to see,” he said as he pulled an old archaic book from a shelf.

Gently, he laid it open on the table and pulled a lantern closer so I could see the writing and symbols on the tattered, yellowed pages.

“I can’t read that; what language is it?”

“The language of the Je'daii”

“What’s it say?”

“It speaks of the prophecy of the Chosen One. The one who will balance the Force.”

“I thought grandfather was the Chosen One?”

Luke sat back down in his chair, “There are many; Anakin was indeed the Chosen one of his time. When the Force is unbalanced, a new Chosen One takes their place; it has happened since the creation of the universe.”

“What are you trying to say to me, Luke? Please don’t pull a Kenobi, speak plainly-- no riddles, no half-truths, no “from a certain point of view” Bantha Fodder. I need to know what’s happening.”

Luke leaned back in his chair and held up his hands, “Alright, alright,” he paused a moment, putting his hands back down on the table, and took a deep breath, “I once believed you were the Chosen One, it’s why I pushed you so hard. When everything went wrong, I thought, I thought--I had been mistaken. Then Rey showed up, and, for a moment, I thought she might be. But, I took the advice from my father to _butt_ _out_ , as he so eloquently put it, and be patient-- to watch.”

I crinkled my brow, “And what did you see?”

“A dark Force user, attempting to come to grips with everything he had done, and a scavenger girl from Jakku showing unyielding compassion.”

“I don’t understand what you’re try--”

“You two are the balance. You both are the Chosen One. One dark with a flicker of light that refuses to die, and one with light, who also has her own flash of darkness within her.”

“Rey isn't dark! She’s pure; she’s everything I am not.”

Luke crossed his arms, “Look closer, Ben; see Rey for who she is, not what you think she is. You keep pushing her away because you are afraid you will taint her with your darkness…”

“If you're trying to make me feel guilty for invading her mind--”

“Ah, but I’m not… The two of you were fated to meet.”

“How is that possible?”

“Rey tells me, you took her when you could have just as easily taken the droid. Why did you do that?”

 

I will never forget the night I first saw Rey as long as I live. A tip had filtered its way up to the First Order about a trader who had sold a very suspicious sword to the Clan of the Toribota on the outskirts of Jedha, or what remained of it anyway. It was unusual for it to rain, but for some reason, it was coming down in buckets. We advanced on the village, and their leader came at me swinging a blue lightsaber. Instantly, I knew what it was, who it had belonged to, and I wasted no time killing the man and taking it for myself. The moment I touched it, I was inundated with visions of a small girl with her hair tied in three little buns, screaming for a ship to come back on a desert planet, and then a masked woman wielding the saber against me in the snow. It had only lasted seconds, but its impact would last years.

 

“I saw Rey in a vision years ago, first as a child, and then again as an adult, but masked, dressed in desert garb, fighting me with grandfather’s lightsaber.”

 

“If she was masked, how did you know it was her?”

 

“I didn’t.” _How could I explain it, when I didn't understand it myself?_ The moment Mitaka mentioned a girl from Jakku, I just-- knew.  

 

“When we met on Takodana, I still wasn't sure, but I felt… I felt something.”

 

Luke leaned in placing his elbows on the table, “Go on,” he pushed.

 

“It was like I was being pulled, I don’t know another way to describe it. And given her type of clothing, I… I took her. I needed to understand what it was I was feeling.”

 

“So you knocked her out and took her…”

 

“More or less.” I didn't mention that I had carried her in my arms, in full view of the Resistance. I trusted no one with her. A feral instinct had taken over at some point; I remember thinking she was _mine_ , and immediately feeling baffled by my strange fixation.

 

“She wasn't too pleased with me when she woke up. Had I not restrained her, she might have clawed my eyes out,” I chuckled.

 

Luke raised his brows, and I rolled my eyes but didn't try to hide my amusement.

 

“When she wouldn't give me the map, I tried to take it,” I shrugged, “but you know me, I was careless; I needed to know if it was her. So I began sifting through her memories, and as I did, she pushed into my head.” The embarrassment over the whole ordeal was quickly rising, but if we were ever going to figure out what this was, I needed to be honest, “When Rey found my weakness, she exploited it. The Force within her rivaled even yours. I’d never seen anything like it.”

 

“Rey told me you offered to teach her, that you could have killed her, but didn't. Then, she beat you? How could she do that, with no training?”

 

I ran my fingers through my hair, averting Luke's eyes, “Yeah, about that… I may have helped her.”

 

‘Reckless’ should be my first name, followed by ‘Idiot.' I watched as she tried to call the Force to herself, but she didn't know how. So I pushed…

 

Luke drew back from the table, “You pushed her into _battle meditation_ with you?”

 

“Maybe,” I shrugged innocently.

 

“Ben, she could have killed you.”

 

“I know, but I just wanted to see what she could do; I felt compelled to help her. Believe me, the moment she opened her eyes, I knew then I was in trouble. That’s when she gave me this,” I pointed to the scar on my face. I grinned despite myself, I distinctly remember thinking ‘ _Oh, kriff.’_

 

Luke shook his head, “What was your plan after that?”

“Force, I don’t know, If she didn't kill me, I was… I would have... run away with her, trained her… I didn't think past that. I _wanted_ her to be powerful; she had so much potential. She was just so bright; I couldn't help myself--I was drawn to her in a way I can't put into words.”

The tips of my ears were growing hotter by the second. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would confess such things to Luke. It was too late to go back now, so, I spilled it all...

 

“Now, I close my eyes at night, and she’s there. Last night, she was on Chandralia with me-- in the field by our old house. She she…” I rolled my eyes, and shook my head, “she kissed me.”

 

I glanced at Luke, but his expression remained unchanged and calm.

 

“Then, tonight, I dreamed _I_ was a scavenger on Jakku. She came into her old home the AT-AT, aware of who I was, and that I was hungry. But then I realized where I was and _who_ I was, I pulled myself out of my dream.”

“In these dreams, what were you feeling? The first one, by your home, what did you want? What was it you needed?” Luke leaned forward, “be truthful.”

I chewed the inside of my lip thinking of a thousand different ways to explain it, but nothing except the truth would suffice. I snorted, _what a beautiful truth it was, though...wasn’t it?_

 

“I wanted her,” I finally admitted out loud, “I wanted her with me, to hold her.”

“And last night?” Luke pushed.

“I was hungry, I wanted food….”

“ _And_?”

“And Rey too,” I sighed. All dignity lost, all secrets exposed. Would Luke now chastise me for feeling such things for her, for the attachment? Would he tell me to leave her be?

“Ben,” Luke shook his head and smiled, “what you feel for her isn't wrong; I told you, the old way is done. The two of you are bonded--when one needs something, the other feels it.”

“But, I shielded myself just like you taught me, I know I have.”

“Emotions bleed through with bonded pairs, the stronger the connection, the easier it happens. Most bonds are between a Master and an Apprentice, disciplined Jedi who do not crave attachments. The mutual attraction you have for each other has amplified the bond beyond anything I have ever read about. It’s why you are meeting in dreams, you both need each other,” Luke smiled, “no matter how hard you try to wall yourself off. She will always know how you feel, if she wants to, and even when she doesn't if the emotion is strong, like if you were in distress.”

I snorted, “Anakin hinted at something like that today,” I paused, “I don’t deserve her.”

“What about what Rey wants?”

“You sound like Chewie _and_ Dad.”

“Well, if it looks like a Porg and sounds like a Porg…”

I shrugged. I knew what he was saying.

“Luke,” I sighed, “I want to be worthy of her, earn her love, I don’t want to be a broken hyperdrive she needs to fix all the time.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“I’m old, Ben. I’ve seen a lot of _strange_ things, but I have also witnessed love.”

I swallowed hard; this wasn't something I was ready to talk about… Even if I had admitted to wanting her…

“There's something else I wanted to ask. Today, she and I accidentally touched hands down at the beach…” my cheeks warmed, “it felt like a shock. What was that?”

“You both are suppressing your feelings; that's the Force trying to tell you both to knock it off.”

I let out a quiet snort of laughter. Luke chuckled and gave me a wink.

“You're every bit your mother’s son sometimes-- stubborn. How do you plan on ‘earning’ it, and what can I do to help?”

It had not occurred to me that he’d be willing to help me. I needed all the help I could get, and so did my mother; she had no idea about Sloane or the other weapons the First Order had in their arsenal.

 

“I need to go home, to my mother, help her, but I need to contact her first so the Resistance doesn't shoot me down; my shuttle won't make it.”

“So what do you need from me?”

 

* * *

 

Was it possible to feel relief and dread at the same time?

I walked back to the hut in the moonlight and wondered, _where do I belong?_ It’s easy to say I am no longer Kylo Ren, but I still feel the same.

Something is missing from the equation. With Luke’s help, maybe I can figure out what’s missing. _Until then_ ...the shuttle needed fixing, and I needed to stay calm. _Rey._ Throughout this entire ordeal, I had not once felt anything from her. That was as it should be. It was the least I could do to keep my emotions from bleeding over to her.

This was going to be difficult, but I would have to go back to sleep if I was going to have enough energy to work on the shuttle tomorrow. The bread and tea Luke had given me had quelled my hunger for now.

 

Thankfully, he’d handed me a bag full of ration bars and food _, that’ll keep me full for at least a few more days_.

 

It was enough.

 _Breathe, Ben, breathe_. I closed my eyes and let my mind only focus on the sound of the air moving through my lungs.

I awoke late in the morning; the sun had been up for hours, but I had slept soundly with no memory of any dreams. I smiled, pulled myself out of bed, and stepped over to the doorway, taking care to not run into the-- nest--my memory sparked to life. Nips and his mate sat quietly together in the center of the stone nest, the opalescent stone nestled between them.

I opened my mouth to say good morning but was interrupted by--

_“Gurrhr, guuurhrr.”_

The sound did not come from either Nips or his mate, and it was also higher-pitched. Nips looked at me and tilted his head, then moved over. I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't seeing things because what I was looking at-- _could not be possible, could it_?

Three baby Porgs sat beneath him and his mate. Nips turned and tended to them, quietening them down.

“Well, I was going to say ‘good morning,' but I think a congratulation is in order.”

Nips flapped his wings happily, causing the babies to chirp loudly.

I took a seat against the stone doorway and pulled my boots on. Nips hopped off of his nest and found his way onto my knee. I gave him a pat on the head and a scratch around the neck, and then he nipped at me.

“Hey!”

Then he rubbed his head into my palm affectionately.

“Don’t teach your… Porg-lets? To bite, I don't think I can take all four of you biting my fingers off,” I chuckled.

He grunted and purred, relishing in the scratches I gave him, then he went back to his nest.

I stood to walk away, and Nips hopped after me, making grunting noises.

It took me a minute to register that he didn't want me to leave without him, but he was also looking back at the nest. For the first time since we met, I used the Force to skirt the edges of his mind.

He was afraid, no… He was scared _for_ me. That he wouldn't be there if I needed him, but he didn't want to leave his nest, either.

My heart seized, and I nearly melted into a gooey puddle. I knelt down on one knee and let him approach.

“I’ll be okay Nips. You need to stay here, your family needs you.”

He blinked owlishly and looked at me and then back to the nest.

“Really, I promise I’ll be alright. It’s okay, little guy. Go on, go back.”

He let out a small huff of defeat and went back to his nest. A grin threatened to pull at the corners of my mouth as I walked across the island.

Luke was waiting for me at the shuttle with R2 just like he promised.

“Did you sleep?”

I nodded, “Soundly.”

“Where is it?”

Luke and R2 followed me inside to the broken BB unit.

 

“Do you think you can help me fix it?”

“Well, let's take a look,” Luke knelt down to the broken BB unit and opened up its side compartment, “R2, can you run a diagnostic for me please?”

R2 moved into position and used his metal appendages to lock into the BB-units control panel. It took several minutes, but, finally, we got a readout.

The optical lens was disconnected, which I already knew, but the magnetic caster and data port were broken along with the towerslee-15 accelerometer.

“That’s quite a list, R2,” Luke sighed.

“Well, I think the primary photoreceptor lens is laying around here somewhere; Nips had it yesterday. I can rewire that pretty quickly. The magnetic caster needs a new coil, and the data port we can most likely mend, but the accelerometer… Do you know how to fix that?”

Luke stroked his beard and thought about it for a few minutes, “Do you have a spare MSE-6 series repair droid?”

“No, but I have an Interrogator droid.”

“I don't think that will fit this model the adapter is shaped differently.”

“What about a sentry droid?”

Luke and I both turned around to find Anakin lurking behind us; his gaze fixated on the droid, then it drifted to us.

Anakin frowned, “What? I was good at fixing things, I built C-3PO from scratch.”

“Yeah, well, don’t expect either of us to thank you for that,” I quipped.

Luke burst out in laughter and slapped me on the back.

Anakin stared daggers at his son but then gave him a lopsided grin as he continued to watch Luke laugh until tears streamed down his face. It wasn't until now that I actually considered the fact Anakin never had a chance to be a father to Luke until after he died. Luke had grown up with an uncle and aunt who loved him but always knew he had missed out on having known his father.

“Well, we can try a sentry droid,” I chuckled.

“Yeah, let's try that,” Luke said, finally able to compose himself.

Several hours later, all three of us sat on the floor amongst bolts, different droid parts, and even a demolished interrogator droid. After repeated attempts to make our own accelerometer, we were now getting on each other's nerves.

“If you just put the commutator wire there we should be able to convert power to the accelerometer,” Anakin said.

“But if you do that you drain the primary power supply,” I argued.

“Well, if you had listened to me earlier and used the extra wires from the sentry instead of extracting the wiring, we wouldn't need to repair this,” Anakin snapped.

“Look, kids,” Luke grumbled, “we aren't going to get anywhere if you two don’t stop arguing.”

“He started it!” Both Anakin and I said in unison.

Luke shook his head, “Two Skywalkers and a Skywalker-Solo can’t even repair a simple BB-unit…”

“Hey, don’t blame me; I’m dead. BB-units were after my time.”

“Then why did you even try to fix it?” I grumbled.

“You two are the ones with hands,” Anakin gestured to Luke and me, “I’m just supervising.”

“I can help.”

All three of us turned to find Rey leaning against the doorway, smiling with her arms crossed.

I automatically went rigid; heat rushed through my body, and suddenly I was sweating.

Anakin flashed me a cocky amused grin, and I cut him the dirtiest look I could manage.

“Rey!” Luke called happily, “Come in, please; we could use the help. We can’t seem to get the accelerometer to work without it interfering with the caster.”

Her eyes darted to me as she cautiously took a step forward.

“Say something to her, you dolt,” Anakin whispered.

“Uh, yeah,” I averted my eyes to the mess on the floor, “we, tried rerouting power, but it's only draining power from the commutator. The whole BB-unit was severely damaged in the hard landing.”

“Oh, you mean the crash?”

“What? I didn't crash. I’m an excellent pilot, more than half the pilots in the galaxy couldn't have landed it better.”

“I could have,” Rey smiled.

Anakin snickered, “Oh, I like her.”

Heat began to rise up my neck and spread to my cheeks.

I opened my mouth to argue, but Rey ignored me and knelt down to the floor, sifting through all the broken parts.

“Here’s your problem,” Rey held up a red wire, “you're trying to use a positive connector when the converter needs a negative. This is an easy fix with some bonding tape and little bit soldering.”

Luke, Anakin, and I all looked at each other. We knew she was right.

“What a fine lot we are,” Luke said, rubbing his fingers over his tired eyes.

“Kenobis always seem to figure things out well before us Skywalkers,” Anakin sighed.

“Well, joke’s on you two then, I’m a Solo.”

Anakin raised his eyebrows, “Joke’s on you; Solo men always fall for the Princess who is far wittier and prettier than they are.”

“Shut up, gramps,” I whispered through gritted teeth.

Rey didn't look up, but I could hear her softly snort a laugh as she mended the broken droid.

“Would you look at the time, son?” Anakin looked at Luke, grinning ear to ear, “I think we should head out and give these two _love Porgs_ some private time to fix the droid. If he’s anything like his pet Nips, you’ll be a great uncle in no time. I’m sure my daughter would be pleased.”

I could feel the blood drain from my face.

Luke looked both amused and sick as he stared at his father and then back to me.

“Father, you better be thanking your lucky stars Ben _can’t_ kill you,” he said quietly as they both exited the shuttle.

Thoroughly embarrassed, I stood silent and still, like the awkward oaf I was, unsure what to do now.

“Ben, hand me the bonding tape please,” Rey asked breaking the silence.

I knelt down beside her and searched the floor for the tape, my heart was pounding like I was on the verge of having another panic attack.

_Force, was it going to feel like this every time she got near me?_

“Ben,” she said softly.

I slowly turned my face towards hers.

“It's over there,” she pointed.

I clumsily grabbed the yellow tape and dropped it at least twice before I managed to hand it to her.

Rey’s cheeks colored as she took the tool from my hand. We stared at each other for an awkward amount of time before we both looked away. Rey went back to fixing the droid, and I began sorting the tools into piles just trying to do something with my hands.

“Your family… they're a little…”

“Crazy?”

“I was going to say ‘eccentric’.”

Rey smiled but didn’t look back my way. We worked in mostly silence unless she needed a different tool.

I swallowed, working up the courage to initiate some sort of conversation.

“Rey, I--”

“I’m not angry with you, Ben.”

In dumbfounded silence, I stared at her.

“You were _right_ ; I don’t understand.”

“I shouldn't have said that, I’m sorry… I’m sorry for everything. I shouldn't have yelled at you, said those awful-- There’s no excuse, it was--” I shook my head, “If I could take it back… I just--”

“I know why you did it,” she said, wiping wisps of hairs from her eyes, “I’m partly to blame for what happened.”

 

I drew back slightly in shock. _Partly to blame? Partly to blame?!! She couldn't be serious… she didn't do anything wrong. It was me; it was all me._

 

“No, it wasn't _all_ you, Ben,” she huffed.

 

“Can you hear me?”

 

“No, its written all over your face.”

 

 _Me and my facial expressions,_ I snorted to myself.  

 

Rey quirked a brow, then put the tools down and sat back on her heels. She looked at me for a moment then back to the droid.

 

“Being left alone, with no one around for years, no one that cared has messed me up, too. My own need for companionship for a family-- I latched onto this idea I could _make_ you be Ben Solo again, the one I saw in your head. When we started meditating I felt your hesitation, the pain and I pushed anyway-- because it was what _I_ wanted. I wanted us to--” Rey stopped herself, and took a deep breath.

 

I would have given anything for her to finish the thought, but the way she fumbled with the frays of her arm wraps told me she was getting nervous-- vulnerable, it was something I knew she didn’t like.

 

Rey bit her bottom lip, “Look, I’m not saying we shouldn't have done it at all, you needed to grieve, but I shouldn't have pushed so hard, not all at once. I didn’t understand the pain of what you had done, but I understood the loss.”

 

The last thing I wanted was for her to blame herself, “Rey, I don’t--”

 

Rey held up her hand, “Hush, and listen…” Rey furrowed her brow,  “and stop looking at me like I’m a wounded animal.”

 

Gobsmacked, I shut my mouth immediately. Rey snatched up a wrench from my hand and began working on the droid again.

 

“I’ve not exactly forgiven you--” she gave me a sideways glance, “yet. What you said _was_ hurtful and mean. A simple ‘bugger off’ would have sufficed.”

 

At this point, I didn't know what to say. Actually, I was afraid to say anything.

 

Her face softened, but she still didn’t look at me. “But after what you’ve been through, I shouldn't have expected anything less.  Even in the midst of the chaos of emotions, I knew you didn't mean it.”

 

I still held onto the belief Rey would be better off without me, but our connection was making it impossible. I wouldn’t withhold how I felt it would be the same as lying-- and lies were what my family did best. I wasn't about to follow them down that path. Rey deserved honesty, as pitiful and misguided as the truth was.  

 

“I just wanted to protect you.”

 

Rey closed the control panel on the BB-unit and picked up a rag wiping the grease from her fingers, then turned, scooting so close to me her knees touched mine.

 

“Ben, look,” she sat up straighter, “I have been on my own since I was five years old, I’m not as fragile or innocent as you’d like to believe. You can’t keep pretending I’m this pure wholesome person, just like I can’t pretend you are only just Ben Solo. Kylo Ren will always be apart of your past and you. We don’t come out of lives like ours unscathed…” Rey softly cupped my cheek and stroked my scar with the pad of her thumb, “we all have scars... Some are deeper than others, but they _are_ there,” her brows knitted, “And I _don’t_ want to be protected from you, I want--”

 

The BB-unit whirled to life beeping wildly and rolling around. Both Rey and I stood up and let the little black and white droid find its bearings.

“What's your name?” Rey asked sweetly.

 

The droid chirped in binary, _BB-9e_

 

“Well, BB-9e, I’ll leave you two to it then.”

 

Rey walked towards the doorway. She was leaving... I didn't want her to go. I felt the same pull, like the one on Takodana and Starkiller, but now it was so strong it nearly took the wind from my lungs. I needed her like I needed air.

 

“Wait!”

 

She stopped and turned.

 

“I uh, uh uh…” _Say something Ben!_

 

For some reason, the Porg popped into my mind.

 

“Nips, had babies, or not Nips because Nips is a boy, but his mate did… You should come take a peek at them, uh, tonight... er, or before it gets too dark, yeah, that would be good...um maybe I could make you… dinner?” I stuttered. _Maker, I sound like an idiot._

 

Rey smiled, clearly amused, but she didn't laugh, “I’d like that.”

 

I swallowed, trying to reclaim my voice, “I’ll see you later, then.”

 

Rey nodded and walked down the ramp.

 

As soon as she was out of view, I let out a breath.

 

 _Did I just ask her out… on a date? I said I would cook… I’m a terrible cook, why would I_ do _that? She wouldn't consider it a date, right?_

 

“You intend to date the female humanoid?” BB-9e chirped.

 

“Oh, kriff.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the Skywalker comedy hour! I wanted to lighten it up a bit. A huge thank you to my beta @dasfeministmermaid for taking the time to read over this even though she was under the weather. Hugs my friend, you are simply the best. 
> 
> Leave me some love! I always appreciate hearing what you guys think. Thank you guys for reading! 
> 
> *****Oh, and to show you guys I appreciate your comments (cuz I need them to survive) Everyone who leaves me a comment gets entered into a drawing--- to win --- A Princess Leia & R2D2 SDCC exclusive Funko Pop.. yeah totally not kidding... I will bribe all of you to talk to me LOL good luck! The raffle will be held after my next update.*****


	13. Abandonment Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First Date, lots to talk about!

_The hot dry air hit my face like a blast from a fusion furnace. Tatooine was barren and dry, but my uncle, Luke, had set up his academy here. I had only been here once before, and it was as ugly as I remembered. Beige ground, beige houses, and no plants, just big beige rocks. Then there was Luke, also dressed in beige. Did they have something against color? The not-so-scenic scenery was the least of my worries. I had been brought to this wasteland against my will. I was fifteen, and angry.  
As soon as my feet touched the ground, I thought about running. I was younger and far faster than my parents; they wouldn't be able to catch up. I could probably take care of myself. Maybe trade work for transport to somewhere, anywhere but here._

_Han must have been sizing up my plans because he grabbed me by the back of my jacket and held me in place. I jerked away from his grip, nearly snarling. Han and I just had the fight of the century over the loss of his beloved Falcon._

_Technically, it had not been my fault, but I hadn't exactly stopped it from happening either. We were on Takodana, Han insisted we stop by to see Maz Kananta. I was only there because my mother had made Han take me. I always hated the loudness of the old cantina, it overloaded my senses, but he loved it. While he sat and had drinks reminiscing with the small orange alien, I stepped outside for air. The night was warm and humid, buzzing with the sound of countless insects, but amid the ambiance I heard a hushed conversation. Two men, dressed in all black were nosing around the Falcon. Usually, Chewie would have been onboard, but tonight, he was inside playing Sabbac. I took one step forward-_  
  
“Would it be so bad if they did take it?” the voice said.

_It had been quiet for years, so the shock of it suddenly invading my mind had me frozen in place._

_“He always loved it more than you,” It hissed again._

_My teeth ground into each other, and I went rigid._

_‘No, that’s not true,’ I thought back, Dad taught me how to fly on that ship; it’s my second home.’_

_“You know better, Ben; all those times he left you because he couldn't stand to look at you, to have a son with the Force.”_

_Somewhere between arguing with the voice and finally moving forward, the Falcon cut on and my heart stopped._

_“Let it go Ben; he deserves it.”_

_I tripped all over myself running forward, my knees scraped against the dirt. It was too late; they had already lifted off. A clatter of footsteps thundered behind me._

_“Ben what happened?!” Han shouted stepping past me, “Who stole my ship!”_

_“I… I…”_

_“What were you doing? You’ve been outside for over an hour! Did you just let someone take it?”_

_“No, no I tried to stop them, but the voi--” I stopped myself from going further, but Han already knew what I was about to say. He never believed in the voice, always told my mother I used it as an excuse because I was afraid of the dark. It had been over seven years since I had spoke about it._

_“Ben, you had to have sensed it! Why didn't you come get me?”_

_“Oh, now you want me to use the Force? When it benefits you!”_

_Han’s face turned white, and he looked nervously at the growing crowd. I had used the word ‘Force’ out loud. Ever since I could remember, I had to hide it. No one could ever know; it would hurt my mother’s influence in the senate. He was right, though; I could sense things and most of all his uneasiness around me no matter how hard he tried to hide it._

_“Keep your voice down,” he gritted through his teeth._

_My blood boiled, and without thinking, I pushed myself into his mind. I barely scratched the surface of his thoughts-- shame, panic, and sadness. Han wished I was normal, like him.  
Instantly, I withdrew and stepped back away from him. The voice was telling the truth, and I felt my stomach plummet to the ground._

_Maz ran up putting herself between Han and I._

_“Ben, it’s alright, just tell us what happ--”_

_“It’s always about you isn't it?” I snapped, yelling over Maz’s head. A sudden heaviness pressed against my chest, almost like I was being squeezed making it nearly unbearable to breathe. “You don’t want me, you’ve only ever wanted the damn ship and freedom!” Hot tears ran down my face. Embarrassed, I turned away from him; men don't cry. “Well, I’m glad they took it, I hope you never see it again!”_

_We had not spoken a word to each other since then._

_“Ben,” Leia scolded, shooting me a warning look._

_I straightened up and waited._

_Luke emerged from the front doors of the Academy, and I immediately felt the tendrils of the Force flow in my direction. He was gauging my feelings, and I shot my anger right back at him. I watched his face for any change, but there was nothing. He and my mother exchanged a wordless hello, and he shook my father's hand, then pulled him into a hug. Finally, his attention turned towards me._

_It’s going to be okay, Ben._

_Like Hell._

_Luke drew back a bit but said nothing._

_Mom took my arm and pulled me towards her._

_“Ben, we’ll come back and visit; I promise,” she tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear._

_I nodded, ignoring the tears that burned in my eyes, burying my face in her shoulder. I might have been a teenager, but in that moment, I might as well have been five years old again. When she let go, Han reached for me, but I jerked back from his hand, and he recoiled, placing both back into his jacket pockets._

_Defiant ‘til the end, I refused to even look at him._

_“We’ll see you soon, kid,” Han said before turning away and heading back up the ramp of my mother’s shuttle the Mirrorbright._

_The engines ignited, and I finally looked over my shoulder. They were leaving; this was it. I had let myself half believe that I didn't care I didn’t need either of them anyway, but as the ship drew in its landing gear, a wave of helplessness took hold._

_“No, don’t leave.”_

_It was too late; they were lifting off._

_“No wait!” I yelled. But they couldn't hear over the roar of the engines._

_“Mom, wait!” I cried through the Force but there was no answer._

_Panic._

_“Wait! Don’t go! Come back! Dad!!! I’m sorry, I’ll do whatever you want! Just come back!” I screamed as the ship broke through the atmosphere and disappeared. My knees hit the ground, and I sobbed._

_And I sat in the same spot until nightfall, and lost the last shred of hope that they’d change their minds._

_Footsteps crunched in the dry desert sand from behind then stopped at my back. A metal hand gently touched my shoulder._

_“Ben, it's alright--”_

_“No, its not!” I snapped, wiping the tears from my face, “They left me, why?” I lost the ability to speak without the words blurring together in a whimper. Luke took me under the arm and pulled me to my feet. “Why, uncle Luke… why don’t they want me anymore?”_

 

 

* * *

 

  
BB-9e and the Porgs sat quietly, observing my movements as I moved in and out of my hut, trying to decide the best placement for my new-- rock. Rey needed a place to sit, and I needed a table.

“Should I use the bigger rock for the table and the driftwood for a seat?” I asked the Porg and the droid, knowing full and well they couldn't answer-- well, not with anything helpful.

Innocently, they looked at each other then back to me.

“Oh for kriff’s sake, I don’t have a damn clue what I’m doing.” Leaning back against the hut, I slumped to the ground in defeat.

Luke was what you would call a professional bachelor, and Anakin had the worst pick up lines, I had ever heard. Neither of them would do, which left just one other.

“BB-9e.”

The droid rolled up to my feet.

“Go down that trail, and see if Rey...” he tilted his head. “The humanoid girl,” I clarified, “is with Chewbacca-- the Wookie.”

  
The droid gave a chirp of obedience and rolled away. Several minutes later, he came rolling back and gave me a report. Chewbacca was alone.

This was a calculated risk. On one hand Chewie could help, but on the other I might just be pushing my luck with him. I wasn't in the best position to be asking favors, but for Rey, I’d risk a limb getting ripped out of the socket by an angry Wookie.

I took a deep breath, and looked at Nips, “If I don’t come back, the Wookie did it.”

In the daylight, the Falcon looked just as I remembered all those years ago. Chewie stalked down the ramp and stood in front of me.

I swallowed, terrified he wouldn't be as welcoming as the last time, but it was worth a shot.

“Out with it, what’s wrong?” he barked.

Cringing, I wrinkled my nose and squinted; boy was this going to be painful to say out loud.

“I sort of, maybe…” my hand threaded through my hair, and I looked down at the ground, “asked Rey out on a date and….” I sighed, letting my shoulders and face drop from its scrunched position, “and I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Chewbacca laughed, and laughed…. and laughed.

“Look, if you're just gonna yuk it up, fuzzy, I can go sit by my hut like a fool and offer her a badly cooked fish.”

The wookie abruptly stopped laughing and grabbed me up by the front of my tunic. My eyes widened as he glared at me through narrow slits. Then after a long beat, he let me down and walked back up the ramp.

I suspected he wanted me to follow, but I wasn't ready for that yet. Part of me wanted to go inside, but I couldn't even bring myself to look up the ramp to see the inside. Instead, I paced at the edge of the ramp. Chewie was gone for a while, and I began to wonder if he ditched me, but then the spicy sweet smell of Nerf stew traveled down the ramp. Soon after, Chewie returned with a large gray container and placed it in my arms.

The unexpected heaviness almost took me to the ground.

“Geez Chew, what's in here?”

“Food, dishes and some other stuff. You better hurry up; Rey doesn't like to wait for dinner.”

“What?”

“Damn near took my paw off the other night when I was making Nerf stew. Luke works her pretty hard,” Chewie shrugged, “you know how he is...she works up quite an appetite. I made sure you had enough.”

“Oh, okay… Thank you for this, I know I don’t deserve your help with any of it but--”

“I did it for her,” he grumbled.

Of course he did it for her; Chewie wasn't ever going to forgive me. Nor did I expect him to. It still stung all the same. I nodded and turned to walk away, but Chewie caught me by the arm.

“Don’t say anything about how she eats…”

I cocked my head to the side, “Huh?”

“Be kind to her, Ben; she’s had it pretty rough.”

The wookie’s voice was low and soft, but it held deep sadness.

The old rusted AT-AT fluttered back into my memory, the scratches on the wall, the portions, Rey’s words, ‘hunger reminds us that we are alive.’ I knew exactly what Chewie meant; she had gone her whole life nearly starving to death. I nodded reassuringly to the wookie and made a silent pledge to myself. As long as I was alive, Rey would never want for anything ever again, least of all food.

Back at the hut, I opened up the container and removed the large pot of stew along with familiar white bowls with blue flowers around the rim, which my mother had picked out ages ago. There was a large jug of water with a few cups, enough for Rey and me.

Nips perched himself on the edge of the container and looked inside, smacking his chops.

“Hey, at least wait for our guest first. There’s plenty; I promise I’ll share.”

“Your ‘guest’, now where have I heard that before?” Rey slowly stepped out from behind my hut with a teasing smile on her lips.

“I, uh,” the bowls almost fell out of my hands and I juggled to keep them from hitting the ground.

“Is that… Nips?” she asked, ignoring my awkward fumbling.

“Yeah, it is… Nips, this is Rey; Rey, this is Nips.”

Nips puffed out his chest then straightened his back as if to become more presentable.

“And this is his mate… uh I haven’t given her a name yet, um do you want to name her?”

Rey sat on her knees in front of the nest, “Um…” She knitted her brow slightly; it was so quick-- had I not been staring directly at her face, it would have been easy to miss. Then she looked away, “that’s okay… I’m not good at that sort of thing...”

It didn't take the Force to recognize she had become very uncomfortable quite quickly over the subject. Great, I’m messing it up already.

The porg lifted its gaze to Rey and shifted back, revealing the babies.

I crinkled my brow, “They were half that size yesterday.”

“Yeah, Luke says they grow really fast; they will be leaving the nest in a day or so. Then, they’ll fly from the island to a warmer one after that.”

An uneasy feeling churned in my gut at the thought of Nips leaving the island.

“Really? So soon?”

Perhaps it was for the best, I would be leaving soon too.

“Well, Nips here waited an awful long time to find a mate, it appears. Most have already had porglets for weeks.”

  
Rey pet the little porgs as they grunted with glee.

“I wonder what it would have been like…” she shrugged, “you know, to have parents.”

Oh boy, we were about to have this conversation. I was not the best at this type of thing. For the last six years of my life, I had been a barbarian, cutthroat and ruthless. Prior to that, I had been selfish and exceedingly unkind. Being someone’s source of comfort was foreign and damn near laughable. I wasn't even sure how to play that role, but it was clear from the slight tremble in her voice it's what she needed, even though she’d never admit it. I took a breath, I could at least try, for her.

“Well, I was alone a lot, not as much as you, of course,” I quickly add, “but mom always worked long hours. Sometimes she’d take me along, but it wasn't a place for a young boy. I got into a lot of trouble.” That made Rey smile a bit. “Dad was in charge of pod racing, and he followed the circuit planet to planet, so he was gone, too. It was mostly me and droid nannies or the occasional tutor.” Her smile began to fade. I wanted to tell her about the good times, but I didn't want to cause her unnecessary pain.

“How old were you when they left you with Luke?”

That stung a lot more than I could have anticipated, but I made no outward signs that it had done so. It was a day I wished I could forget; I knew I never would.

“Fifteen.”

“Was… was Luke like a parent?” She asked quietly.

Luke had tried, I could see that now. But my anger towards my parents had caused me to wall myself off from any type of love my uncle had tried to display. It was a bit absurd looking back at our relationship in hindsight. How recklessly angry I had been because I felt unloved...and then I pushed what affection was given to me away.

“In his own way, I suppose. He was strict and pushed me to do my best, but he was never unkind to me, not on purpose. I was difficult kid to say the least.”

“Oh.”

What was she fishing for?

“Rey, what do you want to know? I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

She was silent for a few moments contemplating my proposition.

“Is it like the holos?”

“What?”

“Sometimes I found holos, and I would watch them. Some had families, and they seemed happy, always hugging and saying they loved each other. Was it like that, when your parents were around? The memories of you and Han didn’t seem like that at all.”

I let out a soft snicker.

“If I’m prying, you don’t have to answer.” She said as she fumbled with the ends of her tunic. A nervous habit of hers, I started to notice.

I shook my head, “No it’s alright.” I sat beside her, and Nips hopped into my lap. Rey kept her eyes on the baby Porgs who had now emerged from the nest and begun to crawl all over her. It was a defense mechanism I had often used. Looking someone in the eye if I were upset usually ended up with me in tears, so I didn't look at her either and focused on Nips instead.

“Han and I, had a love-hate relationship; he had his own way of showing affection. My mother was all… kisses and hugs with a touch of tough love, but definitely not like a mushy holo,” I teased, trying my best to lighten the mood.

“Were you happy though? To know they loved you?” she asked, pulling an over-eager Porg from her shoulder.

“Honestly, I didn't really appreciate it at the time. I had my own expectations on what good parents should be.” It was a cold hard truth but one I should face. “I focused on what I wanted and not what they were actually teaching me. Dad taught me how to be a cunning pilot, and my mother gave me strength with a little defiance.”

“A little?” Rey quipped, giving me a half smile.

She never missed a beat, so witty.

“So what happened between you?”

“Snoke.” It was a simple answer, but I knew she was looking for more than a one word explanation, “He was always lurking, whispering things; although, I didn’t realize it was him for a long time, mostly I thought I had a screw loose.” I twirled my finger in a circle at my head and made a face.

Rey finally glanced my way and let out a small laugh. I didn’t want things to get too serious.

“But, looking back on it now, it was nice for the short time I had them, and the good times too, even though they are hard to remember due to my young age.”

She was quiet now, but the Force around her began to quiver. I watched her attempt to control her breathing a simple technique Luke taught younger Padawans so they could soothe themselves. Never worked for me, but it seemed to help Rey.

“There was an old lady, at Nima when they first left me; she took me in. Well, Unkar Plutt allowed her to watch me, but only a little bit. Most children around Jakku were in a similar situations, but they were older. I was the youngest. She fed me, taught me basic survival skills, told me where not to go, and who I couldn't trust, so I didn't find out the hard way.”

Rey was opening herself up to me for the first time. Well, for the first time willingly. I knew I had to handle this with extreme care. She was trusting me with something deeply personal. _Don’t fuck this up, Solo._

“How long were you with her?” I asked, avoiding the topic of her parents leaving her. She had skimmed over it on purpose, she wasn't ready, yet.

“Until she died. I was six, so for a year or so.”

“Is that when you went to the AT-AT?”

Rey nodded.

“What was her name?”

“Stellie.”

“She good to you, though?”

“Yeah, she told me stories and tended my wounds, even taught me how to mend clothes.”  
  
The affection Rey felt for this woman was clear, and I couldn't help but feel a little gratitude for the old woman's kindness. Perhaps without it, Rey wouldn't have lasted, latent Force powers or not. A child surviving in an environment like Jakku, well, the odds were stacked against her. However, to become as kind and endearing as she had was nothing short of a miracle. How she didn't out right hate me was a mystery. I had everything she didn't, and I turned into a monster. She grew up with nothing except the kindness of strangers and turned out to be truly beautiful on the inside.

“Sounds like she loved you; she didn’t have to take you in, right?”

“Maybe it was just pity.”

 _There it was._ That’s what was bothering her. She was afraid it hadn't been real, that she had gone her entire life unloved.

“You don’t have to be related by blood to care for a child as your own. Did you know my mother was adopted? And Luke too. They had people love them and teach them things who weren't their parents.”

Small tears gathered in her eyes, but she quickly blinked them away.

“Is that Nerf stew I smell?” Rey asked, abruptly changing the subject. It was getting way too serious for her now.

I didn’t press any further, instead I quickly answered, “Yeah, would you like me to get you a bowl?”

“Yes, please; Luke had me running sprints all around the island this morning. He’s relentless.”

Rey placed the babies back into their nest, and the mother quickly nudged them beneath her.

Nips hopped onto my shoulder as I stood, obviously not wanting to miss out on a free meal. I set out two place settings on my makeshift rock table and pulled out the large jug of water. The large pot of stew was still piping hot and blasted me and my Porg with a puff of steam as I lifted the lid. I filled Rey’s bowl and a smaller one for the Porgs, sitting it in front of their nest. Rey took a seat on the long piece of driftwood across from my side of the “table” and watched me attempt to make this feel like an actual date. I felt more like an awkward teenager than a grown man. I tried to shake the encroaching anxiety and keep the conversation going.

“Yeah, he’s big into pushing you to your limits, then asking you to use the Force. He always used to say, ‘Ben, when you’re in the fight of your life, you’ll have to use the Force--’

“Under pressure,” Rey finished.

“I see he gives you the same spiel,” I laughed and handed her the full bowl of soup.

Rey didn’t give me a chance to hand her a spoon; she just began to loudly slurp the stew down. The brown liquid dribbled down her chin and neck as she turned the bowl up, trying to fish out the chunks of Nerf meat that had collected on the bottom. It took her less than a minute to eat her meal, and I hadn't even served myself any. I wasn't trying to gawk, but it was sort of amazing how she wolfed it down with ease. Even Nips gave me a sideways glance. When she was finished, she wiped her face and neck with the back of her hand and stopped when she saw me staring.

“Would you like more?” I asked.

Color flooded her cheeks, and she sheepishly nodded.

I filled our bowls and handed hers back. Her eyes glanced up from her bowl as she put it up to her lips. Not wanting her to be embarrassed, I sat down across from her and quickly began to eat it in the same manner she had. Well, with less slurping. I could feel her eyes on me as I downed my meal, but I kept my gaze on my bowl patting the bottom of it to dislodge the meat. Soon I heard the familiar sound of Rey gulping down her food, albeit a little quieter this time.

  
The sun was setting, and the cool ocean air was becoming sharper by the minute. Rey began to rub her arms for warmth. I built us a fire and pulled a short piece of driftwood in front of it and motioned for her to take a seat. Then I retreated into my hut and returned with the cape.

Remembering some half-forgotten advice from my mother about being a gentleman, I asked, “May I?” before I draped it over her shoulders.

She gave me a half smile and nodded.

“What about you, though?”

“Oh, um, I’ll be alright.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Ben; it's big enough for Chewie,” she said, raising up one side of the cloak for me to take.

When I scrunched in beside her, she linked her arm with mine and pulled me closer. I knew despite the cold, the heat that had risen into my cheeks and turned them bright red.

“Ben, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“First, don’t feel obligated to say yes, I won’t be offended if you say no,” she began as she gave me a few sideways glances. “Luke, is great at teaching meditation, and other Force techniques but, not so much with a lightsaber. I mean I know basic forms but...” she stopped and chewed on her bottom lip. For the first time I could feel her nervousness begin to bleed over the bond. “I… I, need to know how to fight, like you did when we, you know. Luke won’t engage me in that way, and if I ever have to defend myself against someone who fights like that, I need to know how. Do you think, maybe… I mean if your offer still stands, I could use some instruction.”

She almost cringed when she asked the question. Did she honestly think I would say no?

It was hard to fight back the chuckle, “We can start first thing in the morning.”

“Really?!” Rey's eyes lit up in a way I had never seen.

“I’m not going to go easy on you though,” I said with a faux-stern tone but couldn't keep from smiling.

Rey cocked her head to the side and studied my face.

“What?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much for so long before.”

“Well it's easy when I’m around you.” _Oh Force, that was so lame._

Rey squeezed against my arm and laid her head on my shoulder. A few brief second passed before she tensed and pulled away slightly. Immediately my stomach dropped. _What did I do?_

“I’m sorry,” she stammered looking at me wide-eyed.

“Wha- what’s wrong.”

“I’m doing it again, if this is too much, uh, too close I mean…” she looked away and began to pull herself up off the driftwood bench.

“Wait,” I held her arm in place, “It’s not... I, want you next to me, if you.. want to be.”

Her eyes were so innocent when she looked back at me.  
I let go of her arm, “Please, Rey. It won’t be like before. I was… I was really messed up when I got here, I mean, I still am, but I do… I,” I swallowed hard, but my throat was dry. Admitting it to Luke, Chewie, and my dead grandfather was one thing, but talking to Rey was something entirely different. I couldn't deny her any longer, especially when she looked at me the way she was now, with firelight flickering in her eyes. She was absolutely mesmerizing. The bond was practically pulling me towards her so forcefully I almost fell forward on my knees.  
“I want you, too.”

Rey stood unmoving, almost like she had frozen in place.

Did I say the wrong thing? I looked down at my hands as I wrung them tightly. I needed to explain. _Get it together, Ben._

“I was afraid I’d break you. It's what I do; I break things. I know you’re stronger than me, but I had to deal with it in my own way. I can never apologize to you enough’ there's nothing I could ever say to make any of it right. But Maker help me, Rey, I feel things for you that I never thought were possible, not for someone like me. I’ve only ever cared about myself, and maybe I’m still selfish because I know you deserve better, but I know I’ll only ever want you, and no one else.”

I glanced back up to her for a split second; she was still unmoved, and I felt my heart constrict. I was messing it up, I was scaring her away. A few silent seconds passed. I was afraid to look up again, terrified she had walked away, but then she silently returned to my side and laid her head back on my shoulder. A current of calm pulsed from her side of the bond, begging entrance, and for the first time since I arrived on this island, I let my walls down. A mixture of longing, contentment, and peace rushed into me, nearly knocking me off the small shared bench, but I instantly felt relief, like the weight of the galaxy had lifted from my shoulders. The logical part of my brain knew it hadn't; I still bore the burdens of my past, but somehow, it didn't seem to pull me under like it had before. Then a wave of light passed through me. Rey’s Force signature was strong and untamed, much like mine, but laced within it was the thread that tethered us together, and it blazed red and warm. I recognized it; I felt it, but I didn’t want to give it the real name I knew it went by for fear that if I made it real, it would somehow disappear.

“Don’t be afraid, Ben; I feel it too,” Rey whispered.

  
_Okay Ben, if you’re going to make a move, it’s gotta be now._

Slowly, I shifted my arm away from her grip and wrapped it around her, pulling her closer. There was no doubt in my mind that she could hear my heart pounding through my chest as she nuzzled closer, wrapping her arm around my back.

The stars slowly filled the sky after the sun said goodnight and dipped into the ocean. I remembered something my mother said to me long ago about still being able to see Alderaan; because the light-year distance from where we were in the galaxy, the explosion had not happened yet. It was funny how space and time existed.  
I pointed out the constellations I knew to Rey. I told her about my mother's home planet and the mountains with snow-capped peaks. I don’t know how or why the conversation shifted to my mother’s Day of Demand, but it did. Knowing that Rey had an affinity for droids, I told her about WA-2V and how she always harked on my mother about her dresses. It felt strange to talk about my mother. I had not spoken about her in this way since before I came to Luke. Even then I really kept all the stories about her to myself; they were mine and hers, something I didn't have to share with the senate or my father. But now, I wanted to. I missed her.

“I wish I could visit a planet like that; it sounds wonderful.”

“Would you like to see it?” I asked coyly.

“But how can I see it if it’s gone?”

A mischievous grin spread across my face. “BB-9e,” I called to the droid. “Do you have a holo of Alderaan in your data files?”

The droid beeped in binary and projected images of the beautiful scenery that once was.

“There,” Rey pointed, “is that the mountain your mother climbed for her challenge of the body, Appenza Peak?”

Rey was a bundle of happiness, all smiles and wide-eyed. I never thought making someone else happy would make me feel so weak in the knees.

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“Wow, your mother is very brave.”

“You have no idea,” I laughed, thinking about the time she had to rescue her would-be rescuers Han and Luke from the prison on the Death Star. “You’re a lot like her, you know.”

Rey hunched her shoulders shyly, “You think so?”

I turned and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “I know so.”

I looked back up stars. “I’m going to make it up to her, everything I did and didn't do. I’m going to make it right. As soon as the shuttle is up and running I have to go back...help anyway I can.”

“Well, you’re going to need help piloting a shuttle with that much damage,” Rey said, nudging me in the shoulder.

“You’d want to leave here with me?”

“What? You think you get to go have all the fun without me?” she teased.

“Wouldn't dream of it.” I nudged her back.

We sat in silence for a while, just enjoying being with each other. Tonight had not been extravagant or elegant, but it didn't have to be. And even if I never had another night like this ever again, I’d still die a happy man.

“Ben?”

“Hmm”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Earlier, what you said about Stellie, it helped.”

“I’d do anything for you, sweetheart.”

“ _Sweetheart_ ” _? Really? Out of all the things I could have said, I go with that? Kriff, I’m turning into my father._

I wanted to gag at my own mushy words, but Rey pressed into me tighter in approval.

_Wow, maybe the old man knew what he was doing after all. I guess there are worse traits to inherit._

But I wouldn't make the same mistakes my father had. I would never leave Rey, not unless she asked me to.

It wasn't long before we were being serenaded by snoring porgs.

“I should get back; Chewie might start to worry.”

It was the middle of the night, and even though I didn't want her to go, I knew we had an early day tomorrow to train.

“Yeah, he’s protective like that. Can I walk you home?”

“I’d like that.”

With my cape still draped over her shoulders, we took the walk back to the Falcon.

Chewie was sitting outside when we arrived, but he quickly retreated inside.

I took Rey’s hand in mine and pressed my lips on to pulse point of her wrist.

“Tomorrow, bright and early.”

Rey smirked and nodded.

“Goodnight, Rey.”

“Goodnight Ben.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left me a comment on my last chapter. I will be putting your names into a raffle and I will contact you if you won! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed Rey and Ben's first date. It was a bit on the heavy side, but Ben is well, Ben. Next up, we have training. I wonder how well all that sweating and panting in each others faces is gonna go? Hint. 
> 
> I plan to have at least 2-3 more chapters up before TLJ.


	14. Love, Lust and Lightsabers

_“Turn into it Ben,” Luke said as he stepped back giving me some room._

_“You’re leaving your left flank open.”_

_“Sorry, Master,” I said, trying to hide my loss of breath in the humid air of Yavin-4._

_“It’s alright; you’ll get it sooner than you think. It took a lot of practice for me too, but I didn't have a sparring partner.”_

_“Then how did you learn?” I asked._

_He smiled and held up his metal hand, “On the job.”_

_Horrified, I made sure to guard my left flank against his next attack._

_The trip to Yavin-4 was supposed to be a retreat. I was excited to get away from the academy, see something new, until Luke made it into a training retreat. I don’t think I have ever run that much in my life. At one point, I wondered if this was punishment for the fiasco I may or may not have caused on Pasher...when I may have let some of the imprisoned animals loose from the Kelen Biolabs. It took hours to round them back up, but most of them got away. Luke confronted me about it and said that he understood why I did it, but it wasn't a Jedi’s place to interfere. Of course, I denied any involvement._

_Once practice finished for the day, he told me to pack my things; we were leaving. In classic teenage fashion, I drug my feet and grumbled to myself. I hated Tatooine more than running myself to death on Yavin-4._

_“We aren't going to Tatooine, Ben.”_

_Immediately I let out a sigh of relief. “Where are we going then?”_

_“Omereth.”_

_I shook my head, “Never heard of it.”_

_“You wouldn't have; it's on the outer rim and mostly uninhabited.”_

_“Oh… Then why are we going?”_

_Luke smiled, a mischievously, “How's your swimming?”_

_Luke wasn't kidding around when he said it was uninhabited. The planet was mostly water and only a few small islands._

_This is where I learned the desert wasn't the worst of the environments of the galaxy._

_Every morning, Luke made me swim laps until I couldn’t any longer, and then we would meditate, or at least he did; most of the time I fell asleep, but Luke never scolded me for it. There was something odd about this place, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Luke, too, went a little funny the second we landed. The usually-composed Jedi seemed distant, like he was somewhere else, lost in thought. That was until curiosity got the better of me, and I brushed against his mind. A girl with dark brown hair and sunkissed skin flickered into my view. She was young, and, I admitted, pretty, but there was a deep sadness that surrounded the memory of her._

_“Her name was Nakari," Luke said._

_I immediately recoiled from his mind, “I’m sorry Master, I didn't mean to intrude.”_

_“It's only natural you’d be curious; I haven't been myself.”_

_“Who was she, I mean, to you?”_

_“A friend.”_

_No, that wasn't right. The feelings rolling off of him were not those of just a simple friendship._

_“You loved her.”_

_“You’re quite perceptive for your age. Yes, I loved her.”_

_I waited for him to continue, but he sat in silence, looking at the grey-blue water._

_“What happened?”_

_“She was hit with some shrapnel from an explosion and didn't make it.”_

_His explanation was quick and direct, but his voice remained soft. I closed my eyes and felt the world around me, the sands beneath me, the fish swimming just a short distance away in the surf, the small cluster of plant life at our backs, and, somewhere in between, I caught it, the flash. The heat blew against my face; the sky turned white then red. The sound of distant screams were muffled by the gentle breeze flowing over the ocean._

_“It happened here, didn't it?”_

_Luke’s eyes remained closed, but he nodded._

_I shook my head, “Then why come back here, if it bothers you?”_

_“I don’t want to forget.”_

_“But, it's painful.”_

_Luke opened his eyes and turned to face me, “That’s how I know it was real, what I felt, what she felt for me. Loves funny like that; it can be the most beautiful feeling, but it can also be the most painful. You’ll understand when you're older.”_

_“But, Jedi aren't supposed to form attachments.”_

_“Ah, but you are not a Jedi yet, my young Padawan, plenty of time for you to experience love and decide what path you want to take.”_

_I hadn't considered that there might be a different path for me. This is what I was, a Force user. Wasn't I meant to become a Jedi? Then I thought about my mother; she had the Force, although she wasn't attuned as Luke and me. She chose to stay in the Senate, to rebuild the Republic. She didn't have time for me, so Force training was also out of the question. It made me wonder what Luke would have been like. Would he have kids?_

_“Would you have become a Jedi, if things had gone differently?”_

_Luke was very quiet for a long moment, so long, in fact, I thought I crossed the line--pushed too much--but then a small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. He looked away._

_“I would have chosen a different path, for her,” he said, eyes still fixed on the watery horizon._

_I began to twirl the small grains of sand over my palm with the Force in an attempt to hide my nervousness as I asked my final question._

_“What if you train me, and spend all this time with me, and then I choose not to be a Jedi? Wouldn't you feel like you wasted your time?”_

_“I would hope everything I taught you would have helped you become a good man, Ben; that’s all I want for you.”_

* * *

 

I was awake well before first light, stumbling over the jagged protrusions of the island towards the clearing where Rey attacked me the day I landed. Excited as a child on their birthday, I hardly slept a wink. Rey had asked me-- _me_ of all people--to teach her how to fight, and she genuinely _wanted_ my guidance. Is this how my father felt when he met my mom? Or how Luke felt about his long-lost love? If it was, I could understand why Luke would have left his path of becoming a Jedi and how Dad gave up smuggling for a more domestic role, at least for awhile.

When I arrived at our training spot, Rey wasn't there, nor did I expect her to be; it was still dark. I ignited the Kenobi lightsaber and weighed it in my hand, flipping in around in my grip, twirling it to get the feel. It was different than mine Lighter, in weight, but also in the Force. The kyber hummed with a familiar rhythm, one that resembled Rey’s own Force signature. The blue glow illuminated the rocks and grass as I practiced basic forms. I had not wielded a lightsaber since—

“You're up early,” Luke said, his voice breaking the silence of the encroaching twilight.

 

“Rey is coming to train with me soon.”

“Ah, so you’ve decided to teach her.”

“I thought I would run through a few forms and loosen up,” I said casually; it was difficult to hide the broad smile that spread across my face, let alone my excitement.  

Luke smiled knowingly but didn't rub it in.

“Would you like to spar with me, to warm up?” he asked.

“Sure,” I shrugged, “couldn't hurt.”

We went through very early juvenile type forms, meant for younglings, but then Luke unexpectedly charged and came at me full tilt. The dramatic shift in his stance and weight added to the blows took me off guard; I nearly went to my knees. He was powerful, just as I had remembered, but he never hit me like this before. Luke stepped back, giving me time to reposition myself. He looked every bit the part of a sweet elderly man, but I knew better.

“Don’t hold back, Ben,” he chuckled, twirling his lightsaber back into a defensive stance.

Somewhere, seventeen-year-old me came alive. “Oh, you know I don’t do anything halfway,” I said before I charged striking at what I remembered to be his weakest area, the right side, mid-thigh. No one but a Force user would know that he’d even have one. The mechanical hand was effective but slightly slower. It had been a unique technique of mine developed over the years to detect a foe’s weakness. A product of using the dark side, but beneficial.

After several long minutes of heavy sparring, I slipped up. Just as my saber came down to hit his right wrist, Luke rotated abruptly, causing me to pivot right, leaving my left flank open. In a split second, he was within a millimeter of my stomach, stopping just before impact.

“I see you still leave your left flank open, Ben; remember step into it.”

Before my brain could catch up to my mouth, a blurted out, “Sorry Master.”

Luke pulled back, his eyes widening slightly for only a second, but I caught it. He stood silently for a few moments then powered down his saber.

It was something between a smirk and a warm, loving smile, the same kind he had sitting on the shores of Omereth as he remembered Nakari. And I knew he remembered the day he taunted me about losing his hand with ‘on the job training.’

“I never forgot those times with you,” he said, stepping forward, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Remember what I said, about not forgetting?”

I nodded.

“You chose a different path,” he snorted a small laugh, “I should have known then you would have...too much of your parents in you...and no, I don’t believe all of our training together for all those years was a waste of time. I would do it all over again.”

I knitted my brows, “Even if you knew what I would become, what horrible things I would do?”

“Not all paths are smooth; sometimes, you hit a bump or two... or, well, in your case, you ran off the path into a deep ravine and decided to lay there for a few years.”

We had a good laugh over that. Apparently, Anakin’s sense of humor was a trait my uncle inherited. It felt good to laugh with him again, natural even, like it used to.”

“A good man lives inside you; I can see him, so can Rey, and soon, you will too.”

“I hope so.”

He gave me a good squeeze on the shoulder, “Well, it's almost first light. Rey will be here shortly, and I can’t be giving her teacher a good run for his credits, now can I?

I quirked a brow, “Rey said you wouldn't fight her with your full abilities... clearly, you still have it.”

Luke drew his head back in faux offense, “Of course I still have it!”

“Seriously Luke, why wouldn't you teach her? Clearly, you’d be better than me; I still make the same old mistakes.”

Luke’s smile widened, “Well, that’s the point isn't it, not letting your Padawan make the same mistakes as you?” He nodded towards my saber hand, “Your right hand is still intact, is it not?”

He winked then turned and began to walk away.

“Wait!” I called after him, “you still didn't answer my question. Why didn't you teach— heyyyy... wait, did you-you set this up on purp—“

Without turning back, Luke waved his hand back at me, “I don’t know what you're talking about.”

 _Great_. I powered down the lightsaber and huffed loudly into the air, but despite my attempt to be annoyed at the constant interference, I smiled like a Loth cat. It didn't matter. I was drawn to Rey no matter what. I knew from the moment she took the lightsaber from me I was a goner. But to live it, feel it, and know it was mutual was something otherworldly.

Luke was right; I wouldn't let Rey repeat my mistakes, in combat or otherwise.

“Why are you so sweaty already? The sun is barely up.” Rey remarked as she walked up the path.

“I uh, was just running through some forms, you know, to warm up,” I shrugged.

“Oh, I guess I should do that, too,” Rey said, pulling out her lightsaber.

_Here goes nothing._

For the remainder of the morning, we ran through the basics, and I could tell Luke had taught her up to Form Seven. I kept the bond guarded on my end as much as possible, trying to teach her not to rely on it because, for once, I wasn't the enemy. A real adversary wouldn't share a connection with her, and I didn't want her to be a disadvantage.  But the longer we trained, the more difficult the strain to remain vigilant of the bond became.

When we advanced to more difficult forms, I noticed Rey kept her body guarded like a tight closed-up fist. It was natural to her to give quick, purposeful blows, but she wouldn't flourish her saber far enough from her body. It made sense, I supposed, she used a long staff and growing up in the desert with only rusted-out starships to give her cover, making herself smaller was a natural instinct. The quick sharp movements allowed her to attack and make a quick getaway with her salvaged parts. However,  we were no longer on Jakku, and I needed to teach her how to fight for extended periods of time--check her enemy for weakness so she could gain the upper hand.

It seemed simple enough...until I had to touch her arms and pull her leg out to the side when she kept turning her foot inward.  Rey allowed me to position her freely without reservation; she _trusted_ me. A warm feeling bloomed in my chest. The close intimate contact made me question everything I was doing.   _Does she like it when I touch her? Should I touch her? I_ want to to touch her more.But it wasn't just the physical contact; it was my words and thoughts too. _Do I sound like I knew what I was talking about? Am I a good teacher? What if I’m not good enough and she gets hurt because I forgot something? Does she realize how beautiful she is to me when she stands like that? Can she feel me thinking about her, even though I was doing my best to hide it?_

 

_I’m her teacher; this is important--serious--get it together._

 

“Remember, you can suss out your opponents weaknesses by watching their eyes, the way they hold their weapons. So don’t guard yourself too tightly, they’ll be looking for your weakness, too.”

 

I stood behind her and leaned in close so that I could correct her posture. My cheek brushed lightly against her hair. Her scent was intoxicating; it was a mixture of Blue-blossoms and the damp moss of Ahch-To. It reminded me of the meadow beside my childhood home after a fresh summer rain. Her aroma was like a drug; I couldn't get enough of it, and I unconsciously leaned in even closer; then, my abnormally large nose grazed the shell of her ear, so I pulled back slightly, but before I did, I could have sworn I felt her shudder against my chest. Every time we made physical contact, the bond spiked between us. I knew Rey felt it too, but she didn't say anything.

 

“Is that the only way of finding their weakness, watching?” she asked, her tone soft and light, almost like a whisper.

 

“No you can also use the Force to search their minds, but that’s a dark side tactic, and difficult to do in combat.”

 

She turned to look back over her shoulder through her long, dark lashes, “Is that what you do?”

 

I almost didn't hear her question; I was too busy staring at her flushed cheeks and moist plump lips.

 

Awkwardly, I cleared my throat, “You think you're ready to spar with me?”

 

Rey twirled her lightsaber and cocked her head to the side, giving me a sly smile, “The question is... are you ready to spar with me?”

 

_Oooh was that a challenge?_

 

Her gaze was feral but soft as she locked eyes with me and began to circle me like she did on Starkiller.  My gods, she was beautiful.

 

I raised my eyebrows, “Oh, so _that’s_ how it's going to be?” I grinned. “Alright then,” I nodded, “when you’ve had enough, just let me know.”

But before I had a chance to advance, Rey pounced.

The power behind her swings was far more forceful than it’d been in the snow-covered forest.

_What is with her and Luke today?_

At least this time, I wasn't injured and in complete agony. I was, however, _distracted_. The fire in her eyes was hypnotizing. She turned her body around to counter my next attack as I had instructed her to do earlier, but it caused her tunic to twist open at the chest, slightly exposing the top of her breast, and I lost my footing, dropping down onto one knee. Furrowing her brow in confusion, Rey stepped back, allowing me to stand.

 

“Slippery right there, uh mind your footing,” I said quickly.

 

Rey nodded, but I could tell she wasn't convinced by the way her eyes were studying me. Then she gave me a mischievous smile as if she were planning something. Which is exactly what she should do in combat: note my shortcomings and find a way to exploit them.  She returned her saber arm back into a defensive stance.  But the flex of muscle in her lean sunkissed arms and the small beads of sweat glistening in the sunrise had my mind bouncing in between-- _thoughts_ , ones that no sane man had during combat. The kind I hadn't let myself think about, at least not thoroughly, but suddenly a surge of them flooded my mind. I blocked her overhead blow-- flashes of Rey’s lips and eyes.  I wasn't entirely sure how to handle what was happening. It was confusing; I wasn't able to predict her movements.

Battle was always an adrenaline rush I enjoyed and fed off of. But this.... this was more than adrenaline; it was something else entirely.  

Those thoughts were abruptly halted when I took a swift kick to the chest. It wasn't hard enough to take the wind from my lungs, but it did knock me straight back on my ass. I quickly rolled to my side and back onto my feet.

 

_What is wrong with me?_

 

Rey took a step back, “I thought for sure you’d see that coming… _again_. I think you’re a little distracted, Ben,” she said teasingly.

My face flashed red hot.

_Get a hold of yourself, Ben._

I switched to a more aggressive form, and we clashed-- fiercely. I half expected Rey to call foul, but she bared her teeth and rose to the occasion, mimicking my style, actively looking for weaknesses. I aimed for her right flank, side-stepping far out to lure her out of her comfort zone, forcing her to open herself up-- to reach for me when she swung the lightsaber. But, she was learning quickly because behind those hazel eyes, Rey’s mind was problem-solving at an incredibly fast rate. She was picking through my intentions as well as my physical actions. Her strikes hit harder and faster-- erratically, even; she was trying to throw me off.  I kept up with her vicious pace, but I wasn't gaining any ground or the upper hand. Then, in my head, I heard my name, called out in Rey's voice in a hushed euphoric moan, and I barely had time to counter her horizontal swipe from the right. The bond flared white-hot, and she leaped from the ground over my head onto a rock. I was only able to turn halfway around before her saber stopped at my neck.

My eyes were level with her knees, and she held me hostage. I deactivated my saber and held up my hands in mock surrender, then slowly turned to face her. It was hard not to notice her chest heaving, rising and falling in a rhythm consistent with the distracting thoughts. It didn't help she glistened with sweat, her lips were slightly parted as she panted.

 

A look of pure satisfaction played across her face, and she didn't even try to hide it through our bond. Nor did she try to hide the fact that she enjoyed asserting her dominance-- having me below her. I relished the fact I had found an equal. Her power was raw and wild like mine; she could kill me if she really wanted, and there was something about knowing she could that made my core tighten and heat rush to my--

“I win!”

My mind snapped back to reality.

“You can’t _win_ ; this is training!”

“Hey, not my fault your mind is _elsewhere_ ,” she snickered.

My face was suddenly too hot.

 

Then it dawned on me what she had done. The images, her calling my name, were all of her making. My mouth fell agape as I stared at her.

 

“Oh you little minx; you did it on purpose.”

 

I couldn't even be mad about it; she had done as instructed. She found my weakness-- _her_ \-- and exploited it.

 

“Perhaps,” she said smiling.

“That’s not very fair,” I teased.

“Who said I needed to be fair?”

There was no hiding behind the bond any longer, no guarding my thoughts, no secrets; I couldn't. Rey was too powerful, and I didn't have the strength to deny her any longer. This girl was going to be the death of me.

* * *

 

I walked back to my shabby hut to find Nips and the rest of the porgs missing. It surprised me when a slight mix of anxiety and worry took hold. Taking a breath, I thought about what Rey had said about the porglets leaving the nest. Surely Nips wouldn't just up and go. Right?

My pace quickened as I walked the path towards the beach where the Porgs liked to congregate. To my relief, Nips, his mate, and the babies were happily chirping with the others.

_When did I become so soft?_

After everything, I had done, and been through it still didn't make any sense why I had attached myself to such a creature, but I noticed something else… I wasn't at all embarrassed by it. I stood by and watched silently. I knew he was a Porg but I was happy for him. 

A strong smell of roasted Bantha Steak filled the air, breaking me out of my musings.  Chewie was making lunch. My stomach growled loudly, reminding me I didn't eat breakfast. Not wanting to disturb Nips, I reluctantly and against my better judgment decided to go see Chewie.

As I suspected, Chewie was outside the Falcon roasting a giant hunk of meat over an open flame. I said nothing as I carefully approached. Honestly, I was waiting for him to wave me away, but instead, he gestured for me to sit beside him.

I didn't know what to say to him. All of our interactions had usually come from me asking a favor or him saving my sorry ass.

It was apparent he didn't know what to say to me either because for a long while we just sat. When the meat was finished, he cut me a piece and placed it on a plate.

I didn't have time for a fork and didn't care to stand by manners at this point. The meat was hot through my gloves and burnt my mouth as I hastily ate it in huge mouthfuls. I glanced in Chewie’s direction to find him staring at me curiously.

“Rey is rubbing off on you I think,” Chewie said.

_Yeah, you have no idea._

I nodded, trying to hide my smirk behind the large piece of steak.

“Yeah, we are meeting for dinner again tonight,” I said with a mouth full of food.

“Please tell me you're going to bathe first.”

The smile I was desperately trying to hide fell immediately, and I swallowed a large chunk of food, nearly choking on it.

“What?”

“When’s the last time you used a fresher?” he asked.

I shrugged, “A few days, I think?”

“Ben, I’ve lived with your father for many years, I know when a human needs a shower, and you smell-- _bad_.”

I went from starving to sick in a matter of seconds. I placed the meat back on the plate and lowered it to the ground between my boots. Had I smelled terrible all day? Was it from sparring this morning? Is that why Rey wanted to break for the afternoon? I was completely mortified. But before I could say another word or think another horrifying thought, Chewie got up and walked up the ramp.

“You coming in or what?” He yelled back.

 _Oh, Force, he wants me to go in…_ there _._  

 

With a deep breath in through my nose, I followed him up the ramp.

 

_You can do this._

 

The inside looked just as I remembered--beat up, old, smelling of grease and freighter fuel. The dread I had expected to feel never came. Instead, it was almost welcoming, like I was-- home. A smile threatened to slip as walked by the Djark table. I ran my fingers across the board, taking care not to start up the game.

I glanced across the room to find Chewie silently staring at me.

“Your clothes, do you plan on changing anytime soon? They smell worse than the underside of a Tauntaun.”

I shrugged, "There the only ones I have." 

He shook his head, "Just go to the fresher, Ben." 

 

I made it halfway down the hall when he yelled, “And shave! You’re starting to look like me.”

As I maneuvered towards the crew quarters, I could almost hear my father's voice echoing off the walls. ‘Hold the light just a little higher, Ben.’  Seven-year-old me sat on my knees next to my father, my little hands struggled to hold up a large flashlight as he fumbled with the life support wires behind a panel in the wall. He was showing me how to rewire using spare parts from the other end of the ship. ‘Wow, Dad, you can fix anything!’ I said, smiling up at him in pure awe.

 

Not ready or willing to go down that road, I pushed the memories far from my mind and rushed inside the fresher. It was more or less the same. Cleaner, actually.

I took off my clothes and held them up to my nose.  They smelled like campfire, dirt, sweat and Porg poodoo. Chewie was right; I stunk.

I turned the dial on high and waited for the room to fill with steam. Hesitantly, I held my hand in the hot stream of water, and my skin pebbled from the heat. In the back of my mind, I hoped _it_ wouldn't happen again. I had not considered until this moment if I had actively been avoiding the shower, but the answer was clear-- _yes_. Would I ever be able to shower in peace again?

 

No, I wasn't going to live like this.

 _I’m not a coward, not anymore._  

Determined, I ducked my head under the shower and braced myself for the worst, but it was just warm water, no flashes of battle, no blood, and no voices. I let out a long sigh of relief as I closed my eyes and the heat soaked into the shoulder I often slept on, releasing the tension there.  I stood there for a long while letting the water cascade down my back, letting my thoughts wander to Rey. She would probably yell at me later for using up all _her_ hot water, I snickered to myself. _Let her._ I welcomed her fiery eyes and quick quips. This would have been a luxury for her, a never-ending supply of water, not only to drink, but to bathe in as well. What was it like, her first time in here? Would she have stood in here as long as me, relishing? Or would she find it appalling to waste such a precious resource?  A bottle of light blue liquid soap sat on a shelf along the wall, half full. Was this hers? Tentatively, I flipped off the cap and drew it to my nose. The smell of Blue-blossoms, the scent of Rey’s hair. I squeezed the shimmering liquid soap into my palm and began to wash my body in Rey’s scent.

 

My eyes closed, and I went back to the moment when she had my wound in her hand and her lips to my ear, whispering my name.  The water felt warmer as it sprayed against my chest, stomach, and… and… I opened my eyes to see my erection painfully staring back at me. It had been a while... a long while since I had indulged in such things. Truthfully, I had not been in the mood very often, always too much of an emotional wreck, or hyperfocused on missions to even care. But now? Now it was different; all I could smell around me was her. My own arousal swept over me in a rush, it had been too long since I felt this way--  I started to palm myself with the aid of the soap. Slick and wet, I stroked my hand faster with unknown urgency.

 _What am I_ doing _?_

 

Rey could probably feel this, know what I was doing... what would she think? But the thought of her _knowing_ and _feeling_ it-- my face was burning, I bit my lip-- half ashamed of wanting her to feel it, but not enough to make me want to stop. _If anything..._

 

 _Serves her right after what she pulled earlier_.

 

Rey had flooded my mind with images of her beneath me, her nails scraping against my back as her pert pink nipples grazed against my bare chest.  My pace increased, and I braced myself with my other hand against the cold smooth tile of the fresher's wall. Her soft rose-colored lips against my skin, panting my name; my mouth ran dry, and then, somehow, when I opened my eyes, she was with me, there in the shower, on her knees, taking me into her mouth. I could almost feel her velvety soft tongue licking the tip of my cock--

“Fuck!”

My body tensed, as I finally felt the rush-- the bond opened, _Gods, I want you, I want you, I want you._ I repeated like a prayer.

Hot ropes of come spattered onto the floor.

I knew the instant I came down from my high what I had done, what I had allowed Rey to hear and feel. Regretful, I watched the product of my transgression swirl in the water at my feet and go down the drain. I knew I was no gentlemen, but doing something like this when I haven't even kissed her yet... would she be appalled that I took it this far?   How would I look Rey in the face again, after doing something like this?

 _‘Easy, meet me on the North Shore,’_ she whispered through the bond.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I recently found out that Heir to the Jedi was considered canon, so I decided to honor that story with filling in the blanks of Lukes past.  
> I recommend reading that book it's pretty good.  
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I plan to update pretty quickly this week. I want this story to get to a certain point prior to TLJ release. I have some art to go with that chapter as well. Please leave me some feedback. This is the first time I have ever written any type of smut. I'm slowly getting us there ;-) :Blushes:


	15. Sweet Nothings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait. I had to process TLJ and what it meant for my story. In the end, it hasn't changed my plot forward although something will be added to or eluded to for continuity purposes. Enjoy

_The old dirt hut was cramped for more than one, but that was the point. I had my space to meditate or stare up at the ceiling for hours on end. Boredom didn’t even cut close to how I actually felt. I missed the shop where I could tinker with engines or build some sort of useless concoction. Hell, I even missed 3PO if that was any indication. I kept to myself mostly, avoiding any camaraderie that wasn't forced on me during group lessons. At least half of the other Padawans were decent. The others-- well, kept to themselves. I noticed very early on that there was, in fact, a divide. Luke dismissed it as typical teenage behavior, but I sensed it was more profound than your average clique. After a few days, I wondered how Luke could be so naive. Half of his students were light, as bright as he, but the other were slightly dim. You could have guessed which ones I hung out with._

****

_Days blurred into weeks and then months. I had not heard from my mother since she and Han ditched me. Luke kept trying to reassure me, but the more he did, the more I began to resent it. Then, one day while in deep meditation away from the temple, a familiar flutter brushed against my Force signature. I hadn't felt since—warm hands wrapped around my shoulders._

****

_Startled, I turned to find the owner of the hands and saw only my mother’s warm smile and gentle eyes._

****

_“Mom!”_

****

_“Hello, sweetheart,” she said, pulling me into her arms._

****

_“I… I didn't know you were coming. When did you get here?”_

****

_“I only just arrived; I wanted it to be a surprise.”_

****

_“Where’s dad? I want to show him my lightsaber; I finished it just last week!”_

****

_Leia’s smile faltered slightly. There was no need for an answer as to why._

****

_Immediately, I frowned, “Oh.”_

****

_Sitting back down on the ground and looking at the golden sand. Tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall._

****

_“Ben, Luke sent for me, said it was important that I come to you. What’s troubling you?”_

****

_“I don’t know…” I said, but it was a lie. I wanted to know why it was so easy for them to give me up— to walk away._

****

_“Honey be honest I—.”_

****

_“Where is he?”_

****

_Her lips pressed into a sad thin line, “He’s running the Five Sabers, but he did want to come; he misses you— we both do.”_

_Resisting the urge to call her a liar, I clenched my jaw shut and looked away. I wanted to be there with him—racing. I was almost old enough too._

****

_“He really did want to be here; he asks about you every time we talk.”_

****

_“If he wanted to come, then nothing would have stopped him— I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”_

****

_“Luke says you’ve been withdrawing more, and more he’s worried.”_

_I didn’t answer her immediately, knowing that if I opened my mouth to speak, I’d break down into tears and that always led to anger. My mother knew, she always did and patiently waited for me to compose myself._

_“I don’t…” I paused feeling the tightness in my throat growing._

_Leia’s hand found mine and a soothing calm dulled the pain just enough for me to take a deep breath._

_I began again, “I don’t know how to be what he expects. Everything I feel is wrong in the eyes of the Jedi; I don’t think I’m meant to become one. Is that… is that wrong?”_

****

_“No, that’s not wrong at all. Your father and I just want you to be happy. She ran her fingers through my hair, “Here, I brought you something.”_

****

_She held out a small strange wooden box with holes bored into the top and placed it into my hands._

****

_“Something told me to bring this to you. It was mine as a girl.”_

****

_The box opened with a small creak, and I couldn't help but give her a quizzical look when I saw its contents._

****

_“It's a calligraphy set.” She pulled out one of the pens. “When I needed to sort out an idea or a thought, I’d write them down; it helped, and I thought it might help you.”_

  


* * *

****

  
  


Stepping out of the fresher, I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. The mirror squealed as I wiped it free of fog. It had been a while since I had looked at my reflection. I almost didn't recognize myself.

 

_Chewie was right; I do look scruffy, and...red-faced._

 

Still thoroughly embarrassed by the turn of events in the shower, I tried to divert my attention elsewhere.

 

I opened the small compartment where I knew my dad kept his shaving kits. It didn't feel as odd as it probably should have, going through his personal stuff. I could almost hear him now, _‘Ah, get over it kid, stop being so sentimental.’_ I smiled to myself and lathered my face.

 

It took quite a while to work out the knots and tangles in my hair, but eventually, I started to look like my old self or a variation of Ben at least. I ran my finger the length of the raised skin that stretched from my eyebrow to my chest. Rey had done a number on my face.

 

In a way, it was tragic. I wasn't that good looking from the get-go, but at the same time, it had gone from a reminder of the past to a sort of keepsake, as twisted as that sounded. I’ll never forget that night in the forest, how beautiful she looked, eyes blazing through saber sparks and snow.

 

I caught myself grinning like a moron in the mirror and rolled my eyes. I picked my clothes up off the floor and took them down the hall to the washer. Not wanting to stand around with just my towel, I made my way to the crews quarters— my old room.

 

It hadn’t changed much; my bunk was still against the far wall, same dull grey sheets, same worn out pillow and frayed blanket. Leia would be appalled, but this was Han Solo’s way. _‘What? It’s fine; a little dirt never hurt anything.’_

 

The bed made an indignant squeak when I sat down as if I were crushing it to death. Well, I was a lot bigger now. The last time I slept in this bed, I was fourteen. We took an extended trip to Endor that summer. It was the last time we went anywhere together as a family. Dad loved it, even though he acted as if he hated it. The Ewoks never made it any easier. While they adored my mother and 3PO, they always found a reason to poke Han with a spear. But what was a family trip without me getting into trouble? Apparently, it was frowned upon to carve on the trees. The village elder gave me an earful, and so did my mother. It was a habit, and I always felt the need to mark the occasion or let someone know I was here with a BS.

‘ _Ah Ben, I know we named you, but no ones gonna know it means Ben Solo. For all, they know it stands for bantha sh--’_

 

 _‘Han, language!’_ My mother would yell.

 

That's the day I resorted to just writing Ben. In fact— I ran my fingers on the metal frame of the bed until I felt the sharp indentations of my name.

 

_Still there… still here._

 

I wondered what else I would find on this old hunk of junk, but I didn't have the right to rummage through it.

 

_‘Buzzzzz’_

 

My clothes were finished, finally. I made to stand and heard a ‘ _thud_.’

 

Rey’s satchel had fallen off the edge of the bed, spilling out its contents. _A homing beacon, definitely my mother's doing, and it’ll come in handy, later_. But that wasn't the only oddity, _a— book?_ I hadn't seen an actual book in years. It was small, not new, but not as old as it should be. Most texts were ancient; no one wrote anymore. I opened the cover to find very crude scribbles that appeared to be basic; it was hard to tell, they looked like a child wrote—

 

_Oh._

 

This was Rey's, well, obviously it was hers; it had fallen out of her satchel, but, she had actually kept a journal as a child. While it was amazing, it was also eerie, but not in a bad way. What were the odds we both found solace in the written word? I would be a dirty liar if I said I wasn't tempted to read it, but I had already invaded her privacy enough, hadn't I? The thoughts of the shower incident made my cheeks burn. Quickly, I shoved the private thoughts of Rey's childhood back into her bag and retrieved my clothes.

  


Chewie sat at the Dejarik table playing a round with R2. “Well, at least you smell better,” Chewie said looking up from the holo projections. “And you look good, too; nice to know you remember how to comb your fur.”

 

“Thanks for… for letting me wash up. I uh, gotta meet Rey by the North Shore at dusk, I have at least two more hours, so I’m going to go work on the shuttle for a— what?”

 

Chewie’s brows raised in amusement? Or was it shock? I couldn’t tell. “North Shore?” He asked.

 

I nodded, a bit confused by his reaction.

 

“Breeding Ceremony,” R2 beeped.  

 

I felt the blood drain from my face. A million things raced through my mind as I stared in horror at what one might consider _family_ members. What did they know? Did they hear me in the shower? Did Rey say something?

 

Somewhere between the roar of laughter coming from the Wookie and chirping from the droid, my legs had already begun to move towards the door.

 

“What do you expect, he’s a Solo.”

 

Mind racing I didn't even notice BB-9E waiting at the bottom of the ramp, and I nearly punted him across the island as the toe of my boot found his little round body.

He rolled back spouting out several crude beeps.

 

“Hey, language… you’ve been hanging out with R2?”

 

“The shuttle is ready for its second test run, sir.”

 

“Second test run?”

 

“I rerouted the power to the repulsorlift and hyperdrive from the unnecessary accessory systems.”

 

“Wow, when did you have time to do all that?” I asked.

 

“While you were initiating your mating dance with the female human.”

 

My hand slid over my face, “That was lightsaber training 9E!”

  


When I walked inside I almost fell over in shock. Everything had been put back into the proper containers. Soot covered most of the walls and floor, but other than that, it looked great.

 

“Wow, Nine, you’ve been a busy little droid. Thanks.”

 

She gave me an appreciative beep and followed me into the cockpit. I was more than thankful for the droid’s help. A distraction was definitely in order.  

I sat in the captain's chair and flipped all switches, listening to the shuttle struggle to come to life. A low rumble followed by several loud clangs sounded from the engines, but finally, they began to purr.

 

A green button on the control panel began to flash, ready to ignite the repulsorlift systems, and I hoped my patch job on the hydraulics would hold. Any fluid leaking from those lines would cause a fire, and my shuttle would be as useful as an empty tin can.

 

_Here goes nothing._

 

Holding my breath, I pressed the button, and the shuttle groaned as the bent landing gear ground against itself as it attempted to fold back inside its compartment. I waited for the warnings to sound, but there was nothing. Timidly and gently, I pulled up on the yoke. We were only a few meters off the ground, but we were airborne! The little droid did it… _It's working!_

 

I turned around to the droid, “It's working!”

 

I completed a series of tests on the engines until the suns began to set and sat the shuttle down in the same spot, then turned everything off.

 

Rey would, without a doubt, be excited; _maybe we can fly it later_ , I thought happily until I realized it was dusk, and I would be meeting her soon— on the North Shore… to…

 

_I can do this right?_

 

“Sir, scans of your vitals are indicating a rapid increase in blood pressure and heart rate. Are you feeling well? Would you like me to run a diagnostic on your health to—“

 

“I’m fine Nine,” I waved her off, “that won’t be necessary.”

 

To be honest, I did feel a bit light headed and wondered if it was normal.

  


“Just, run a diagnostic on the comms, but don’t activate them.  Listen for any First Order chatter and record anything you hear.”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

Now thoroughly embarrassed, I left my shuttle and began the long trek across the island.

 

The sky was painted in deep oranges and purples. The weather was very agreeable: cool but not frigid with only the faintest amount of wind. It would be a great night to sit comfortably by a fire. Soon, my musings gave way to thoughts of Rey’s face illuminated in firelight, just like she had been the first night we had stayed up talking ‘til dawn. But we probably wouldn’t be spending the entire night talking this time.

 

My chest felt like it had a ton of banthas sitting on it.

The closer I moved towards Rey, the heavier it seemed. Why was I panicking? She knew what I had done in private; I had selfishly made sure of that.

 

_Don't be a coward, Ben._

 

But saying that to myself wasn't exactly making it easier. It's not that I didn't, Force I _wanted_ to. It's not as if I didn't know _how._

 

_‘Now Ben when two people love each other, like your mother and I...’_

 

_Oh, god. No, no… I’m not thinking about that discussion._

 

“I'm being stupid. I’m a grown ass man. Rey wants this… I want this… I lo-- I love her.”

 

A snicker escaped passed my lips, “I love her.”

 

“Well, why are you telling island rocks? You should tell Rey,” Anakin said, peering out from behind a large boulder.

 

“Oh god, you are not gonna try to give me The Talk are you?”

 

“Why, do you need it?” He laughed.

 

“No!”

 

“Breathe, Ben, and listen,” Anakin grinned and disappeared.

 

I rolled my eyes but obliged the old ghost. The typical ambient sounds resounded around me but faintly off in the distance, I heard… Music?

  
  


A warm orange glow grew brighter the closer I walked towards the North Shore, and the louder the music became.

 

Fifty or so small reptilian-like creatures were dancing around a large bonfire in some sort of celebra— and there was Rey dancing among them, waving her lightsaber. Chewie and R2 sat watching on a large log, covered in Porgs— Nips and his family. Immediately, my face felt warm, embarrassed by what I thought this was or wasn’t going to be; I turned to walk away.

 

“Ben!” Rey called out over loud music.

 

I turned back around to find weaving her way through the crowd of creatures, dancing happily.

 

“You made it, finally. I was wondering if you’d come.”

 

“What? I said a little bit more alarmed than needed. “I mean, uh, what is this exactly?” I stammered.

 

I looked out over the party; there were rows of long tables, covered with cream-colored linens and unique smelling dishes. Large centerpieces towered over the food; decorated with seashells, thick green moss and white star-shaped flowers. It wasn't overly extravagant by any means, but it was elegant in its own simple way. Lit torches were placed strategically around the parameter illuminating the ocean shores and— large ships?

 

“Where did those come from?” I asked.  

 

“Once every month, the males come back to the island to visit the female caretakers,” Rey said and pointed at the crowd.

 

It was only now I realized that the males wore black tunics with necklaces made of shells and the females wore white dresses.

 

“Oh.”

 

“So they’re celebrating their return. Why, what did you think this was?” Rey flashed a mischievous smile and grabbed my hand, “Come on, I’m teasing, Ben,” then pulled me towards the fire and down beside her on a log opposite Chewie and the Porgs.

 

“I’m not mad, you know.”

 

“I, uh.”

 

_Say something, you moron._

 

“I mean, I—“

 

Rey placed her hand on my thigh, “I might have, projected... a little bit.”

 

My mind went right back to where I was desperately trying to keep it from going. Rey on her knees in the shower… _She_ had done that?

 

Her cheeks filled with redness, evident even in the glow of the orange firelight.

 

“Oh, uh… Thank you…”

 

_What? Did I just thank her? Oh god, you idiot, why did I say that!?_

 

Rey raised her eyebrows and smiled in amusement.

 

_Great, she thinks I'm a moron too._

 

She cupped my face with her hands. “You, shaved…” she said, as the pads of her thumbs caressed my chin, "it feels nice.”  Then she pressed her soft lips to my scarred cheek.

 

Our eyes met when she pulled away, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around her waist, pressing her to my chest. All embarrassment melted away. I longed to hear her thoughts about us or what we could become. I wanted to tell her how I really felt; I _needed_ to say it out loud. But before I could pull away to look into her eyes again, Rey rested her head on my shoulder— then nuzzled in closer and began teasing my neck with slow hot kisses until she found my ear and stopped.

 

Apprehension raced through our bond, and I tried to place her feelings without intruding in on her thoughts. Was she afraid that she was taking too far again? Did she change her mind about me-- us?

Before I could form a real tangible thought, Rey must have regained her nerve because the next thing I felt was her tongue timidly touched my earlobe before she gave it a very slight but tender suck. Heat gathered in my cheeks as well as my core, and I thanked the stars my tunic was covering a good portion of my trousers.

Was it possible to feel light as air but heavy as duracrete? My heart skipped a beat when she ever so lightly,  blew a small puff of air into my ear. I dug my fingers into her hips as I closed my eyes and tried to remember how to breathe.

I didn't want her to stop even if we were right in front of prying eyes, even if a pair of them belonged to Chewie. The only thing that mattered at this moment was her. No one else existed but us.

  


Without warning, BB-9E burst through a small fence-like wall, knocking over a few torches and a small table of food. “The Resistance has been attacked!” She screeched over the music which stopped abruptly.

 

Rey stood up immediately, pulling herself out of my arms.

 

Luke came running right behind the droid, “I just got a distress call; the Raddus is—“

 

I fell forward onto my knees. My heart felt like it was being squeezed to the point of bursting.

 

_Mom!_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. A Roll of the Dice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay again! Here is 4k words worth of an apology!

_ The bloody diagonal gash across my palm won’t leave a scar, but it will cause an infection if I don’t deal with it soon. _

  
  


_ “I fine; it’s fine,” I say, quickly wrapping my hand in a dirty, grease-stained rag. _

  
  


_ “I’m a Solo, I’m 13, I can take it.” _

  
  


_ Cutting my hand isn’t a life-altering tragedy, far worse happens. _

 

_ “Dad wouldn’t cry,” I say to myself, ignoring the burning sensation radiating up my arm. _

  
  


_ But, today, well, today is different… Mom is home. _

  
  


_ The diplomatic missions to at least five outer rim planets had kept her away for three weeks. I guess I should be glad, the trip prior lasted a whole month. _

  
  


_ I find her in the backyard pruning the sanctuary tree, given to her by an Ewok as a seed before I was born. She always calls it her Ben tree, since she tried to meditate with it, but I had answered her instead. _

  
  


_ The evening sun illuminates her angelic face as she turns to me, and I can feel my face involuntarily contort. I know what’s coming next, and there’s no stopping it. _

  
  


_ I burst like a swelling dam as if I’ve stored away all my tears for this one precious moment. I relent knowing my mother will keep me— safe. _

  
  


_ I can only conclude it’s the accumulation of so many small moments in her prolonged absences in which I do hold back that results in these over the top meltdowns. _

  
  


_ “Ben, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” _

  
  


_ I turn my hand palm up; the grease rag is now a deep red. Mom unwraps the makeshift bandage, exposing my blanching skin and the deeply carved crescent-shaped wound. Her eyes widen, but she doesn’t fuss, which I know is from years of practice. No matter the predicament, mom is always calm. _

  
  


_ “My hand slipped when I was realigning the rotator belt,” I sniffed. _

  
  


_ Brushing an unruly lock from my eyes, tucking it behind one of my large ears, she smiles sympathetically. _

  
  


_ “It’s alright sweetheart, we’ll fix it up. C’mon, let's get this washed up.” _

  
  


_ The cold water from our kitchen sink soothes it to a dull ache. My tears begin to ebb as she gently washes away the small bits of dirt, then places a thick layer of bacta salve before wrapping a small bandage around my hand. She doesn’t bring up the outburst or ask why— there’s no need. _

  
  


_ A silent understanding has always been there, and it’s moments like these I’m thankful we share the Force. _

  
  


_ “Better?” _

_ “Yeah, thanks, Mom,” I say, hopping off the counter, ready to tackle the project again. _

  
  


_ I make my way to the door but stop just over the threshold. I almost forgot— _

  
  


_ “Mom?” _

  
  


_ “Yes?” _

  
  


_ “I love you.” _

  
  


_ “I love you too, Ben.” _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


It was just like Dad. I felt—  _ everything _ .

  
  


Fear, she knew it was coming — her heart pounded, adrenaline surged through her veins—‘RUN!’ she thought.

But there was barely enough time for her to suck in her last breath, then dread…

  
  


For a few precious seconds, she was unaware of where she was or what had happened only that she was  _ cold.  _

 

I was falling— tumbling with her through the darkness as small scattered rays of light twinkled all around us in an eerie silence. 

  
  


My heart began to squeeze in tandem with her own, equally entwined with the crushing weight from the black void that threatened to swallow us whole.

  
  


A spark— it flickered, fighting to gain strength— a flame burst forth igniting a deep-rooted primal instinct—  _ survive _ .

  
  


Unlike my father, her light did not die, but it also didn't return, at least not as brightly as it once had been. I could tell she had not passed into the cosmic Force, but she teetered on the edge— she was dying.

  
  


I didn't know which was worse, feeling your father die at your hand or your mother suffering nearly the same fate all because you were too caught up in your own world feeling sorry for yourself.

  
  


_ I’m such a selfish child.  _

  
  


The captain's chair swiveled around quickly as I jumped to my feet and hurled my fist into the nearest wall.  The thin metal groaned as the glass shattered, splintering into sharp slivers beneath my knuckles.

A familiar gratification coursed through my veins— pain, anger, rage… feeding the pain, I reared back to hit it again, and again, each time adding more force. 

 

With every punch, I sounded more like a feral animal, growling and hissing through my tightly clenched teeth. 

 

Through blurry eyes, I watched shards of glass and a cascade of sparks fall to the floor.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Every beat of my heart sent a shockwave of pain through my hand and up my arm. 9E silently plucked tiny pieces of splintered glass out of my skin with a long metal appendage.

  
  


She wasn't exactly programmed for invasive medical procedures, but since I had gutted the med-droid to salvage her, it was my only option. Every once in awhile, she had to dig a little deeper, causing me to flinch; only then would she stop to give me a breather. After several long minutes of this, she rolled away. I thought perhaps she had grown tired of my constant flinching, but she returned with pain medication but no bacta. Before I could protest, she stuck me with the syringe, and finally, I could concentrate on something other than pain, well, physical pain at least.

  
  


The last few hours felt like a dream-- no, a nightmare.

  
  


Within seconds of coming to my senses, I was on my feet, making my way across the island. I instructed 9E to discreetly retrieve Rey’s homing beacon, then met me at the shuttle. I made only one stop at the faux funeral pyre to retrieve my helmet.

  
  


By the time Luke and Rey caught up to me, I was already walking up the ramp.

  
  


_ ‘Ben, don’t do this, please don’t go this way,’ _ Rey had pleaded.

  
  


Images of a little Rey screaming for her mother and father flashed through my mind as she looked at me with the same anguish. 

  
  


My lip trembled as the tears fell freely down my cheeks and I fought down the urge to allow her to come with me. Closing the door as she watched was cruel. But I couldn't say goodbye, and I couldn't tell them anything without putting them in danger.

  
  
  


“I had to leave her behind,” I said to the droid.

  
  


9E beeped sympathetically but offered no reassurance. For all of my droid’s intelligence, she was no 3PO. He would have at least offered up some stupid statistic about the odds of my endeavor.

  
  


I snorted at the absurdity of the thought.  _ Never thought I’d live to see the day when I missed old Goldenrod. _

  
  
  


Thankfully, 9E had the coordinates from the last known location of the Supremacy based on the information collected during the comms surveillance, and we had the binary beacon that would lead me to my mother, but that’s not the direction I was heading, not yet. I needed help, and I knew exactly where to go to get it.

  
*******  
  


We landed in a tall grassy meadow far from prying eyes.

  
  


“9E stay close.”

  
  


Sneaking in wasn’t really an issue, but finding clothes would be. I lingered in a darkened alley and waited for someone of the appropriate size to pass by, but that was already taking too long, and I had wasted enough time. Although I knew it was impatient and rash, I ventured further towards the busier streets. 9E quietly beeped with annoyance but remained a pace behind. As luck would have it, and I never did have much, I stumbled upon a spa.

  
  


The heat was unbearable considering I came from the cool if not sometimes frigid climate of Ahch-To. It reminded me of Yavin-4: thick, sticky, and humid. I felt like a little boy sneaking around corners, darting through hallways like I used to do when I wanted to sneak out onto the roof a night and wait for Dad to come home. I couldn’t help but think,  _ he’d enjoy this _ . Han was never the one to plan and even if he did, something always happened... Perhaps, I should have thought about that--

  
  


“Vopa yuna puna chik youngee tee-tocky kyotopa,” a gurgled voice said in Huttese.  _ A Hutt?  _ Surprised, I listened intently.  

 

The Hutts were gangsters; it was odd they would be in a place as nice as this, but more confusing than that was the fact that the Hutts had not been in business since my mother choked the life out of their Kingpin ages ago. In fact, it was odd to even see them in public. 

  
  


I dashed into an empty room just as a giant bulbous creature with enormous bugging eyes and enough creases and folds to almost certainly rival Jabba the Hutt walked in my direction.

  
  


“Sir, this way, please.”

  
  


_ Please don’t come in here, please don’t come in here… Kriff! _

  
  


I could hide barely, but 9E was left exposed. I overturned a laundry basket and covered her with it.

  
  


She eyed me through a crack in the wicker as I shuffled behind the door. She tried to remain close, rolling in my direction. Silent but frantic, I waved for her to stop; thankfully, she did.

  
  


“But you said to remain close,” she beeped.

  
  


I held my finger to my lips.

  
  


A tall human male ushered the blob inside, and if the sight of its naked slimy gray body wasn’t enough to churn my stomach, the smell was. It was akin to fish but with more— rot. I tried not to define it… it only made it worse.

  
  


He hauled himself on top of the table and began babbling about what oils he preferred, then on to his business ventures. And just when I thought I was going to be sick from hearing the repetitive slapping sound against his disgusting skin, a single word snatched my attention.

  
  


“I tell you; Jakku is a honeypot. Plutt had the right idea, but he lacked vision.”

  
  


“Mmmhmm,” the masseuse droned, feigning interest.

  
  


“The labor force is cheap, and no one, not even the First Order, has any idea what my profit margins are. Who would have thought they’d find a way to build on a planet with those conditions?”  

  
  


“Hmm yes, it must be scorching, I hear the rabble are rather unclean and uncivilized.”

  
  


It took every ounce of my control not to choke the life out of the man where he stood. It wouldn’t even require that I relinquish my position. However, somewhere my rational voice countered that the moment he dropped dead, the casino security would be called, causing more problems than I already had.  

  
  


“Yeah, but the scavenger rats are used to it. Uncivilized, yes, but they work hard for long hours, more than anyone else I’ve heh, commandeered into service. The First Order pays me a slew of credits, and I only pay them in rations. They don’t know any better really, almost makes me feel sorry for them,” he chuckled, “almost.”

  
  


So the First Order was weaponizing Jakku or at least building a weapon. Both were equally horrible but not as terrible as the fact Hux had resorted to slave labor.

  
  


_ That could have easily been Rey. _

  
  


An unfortunate image of Rey in chains manifested in my mind, much like the ones my mother had once endured under a Hutt. 

One of my leather gloves quietly squeaked as my hand balled into a tight fist. A darkness was stirring within me, and I held my other hand just over my lightsaber— no, Obi-Wan’s.

  
  


At once, I knew what he’d say and what Rey would want. Reluctantly, I removed my hand from the hilt.

  
  


This hadn’t been part of the plan, but I couldn’t hide behind the door forever.

  
  


I pushed the door aside, and both the masseuse and the  _ thing _ gasped.

  
  


“You don’t notice me,” I said, waving my hand. They repeated the sentence. Unlike Jabba, this particular Hutt was not immune to the mind trick. I had planned to Force choke him into submission but this— this was  _ much _ better. 

  
  


The masseuse had broad shoulders, but, gauging by his patrons, it was no wonder. He could have put up a halfway decent fight  _ if _ I didn’t have the Force. As it was, he looked to be the appropriate size.

  
  


“You will give me your clothes,” I demanded, but then a wicked thought manifested, one I’m sure Rey and my mother would have appreciated.

  
  


*******

“Here, hold onto my clothes, and the lightsaber,” I pulled back my hand before relinquishing my weapon, “I’m serious Nine,  _ don’t _ lose this.”

  
  


As I dressed in the suit, I could hear horrified screams from all parts of the spa.

  
  


9E gave me an angry beep.

  
  


“Hey, they deserved it, and I needed a clear path to the casino.”

  
  
  


Deserved it indeed, they were lucky to be alive, or maybe they would wish for death when the mind trick wore off, and they found themselves nude in the middle of the spa, wondering why they were kissing.

  
  
  
  


It had been a very long time since I had been in a place like this; Canto Bight was loud, flashy, and pristine. Vaulted arched ceilings glowed with crystal lights illuminating the white marble floor below. A hint of freshly cut grass floated through the air, the only indication the stables were close by. The music from the band played loud happy tunes that were almost overshadowed by the slot machines churning out hundreds of credits.  Bubbles floated to the top of colorful liquids suspended inside clear ornate bottles on the back shelf of the bar.

  
  


My father always said,  _ ‘Strip away the elegant attire and pristine architecture, and you're left with the same scum that hung around the Mos Eisley Cantina.’ _

  
  


He wasn't wrong. As I grabbed a glass of sparkling Garwillian champagne and wove through the crowd, I skimmed the minds of those who brushed by. As expected, I was inundated with thoughts of cheating, devious plans already in play, and, of course, sex, lots and lots of sex. I kept an eye out for any First Order affiliates, and there were a few, but no high-ranking officers who would have known my face.  

  
  


As my eyes roamed over the crowd, it reminded me of an outing with my mother to the Coruscant Opera. Everyone wore their most elegant dress and adorned their appendages with absurd amounts jewelry native to their home planets. ‘ _Power moves,’_ she had called it, ‘ _It’s to make sure everyone knows they have a status of some sort even in places like this._ _There's always an opportunity in large social gatherings Ben, they make sure they're prepared. These are the types you need to watch closely.’_

  
  


A tall Twi'lek female stopped by my right side, obscuring my view of the Sabacc table.

  
  


“Ruby wine?” she asked, flashing me a bright smile. I touched her mind as her bright blue eyes roved over my face. She did not know me but… she was curious.

  
  


I traded the empty glass for a full one off the silver platter carefully balanced on her fingertips and gave her a nod.

  
  


Her head tilted to the side, and she turned to face me, squaring her shoulders to make sure I noticed how her black gown cut low in the front exposing her smooth green skin between her barely covered breasts.

  
  


“I haven't seen you around before…” she cocked a brow, “new?”

 

I swallowed, cleared my throat, and thought of the first place that came to mind, “New mining operation on the Onoam moon, it has been very… lucrative,” I said, trying to mimic the tone of all those stuffy senators Mom brought around. 

  
  


Her fingers traced delicately along the cuff of my sleeve. “What happened to your hand?”

 

I felt her curiosity shift to— to something  _ else _ . 

 

_ Good job Solo, she’s on to you. _

 

“Mining is a dangerous business,” I answered as cooly and impassive as I could, but her hand began to slowly make its way up my arm and then my neck. Blood rushed to my face as her warm, soft hand touched my scarred cheek. 

 

_ Oh _ . 

 

No one had  _ ever _ hit on me, no one except, Rey.

  
  


“Is this from that, too?”

  
  


“Uh, yes.”

  
  


“It’s very sexy, gives you that— what do they say? The devil-may-care look, girls like that, you know… Are you staying planetside long or just passing through?”

  
  


Sweat accumulated under the arms of my suddenly too-tight jacket. “Passing through, leaving tonight,” I answered perhaps too abruptly then downed the rest of the sweet crimson liquid.

  
  


“Well, before you go,” she took the empty flute from my hand and returned it to her tray, “have another on me,” she said handing me a full glass of what appeared to be Corellian Red.

  
  


“I get off in an hour.”

  
  


Shooting me a not so subtle wink, she returned to her duties, stopping only a few yards away to glance back over her shoulder.

  
  


The longer it took to find what I was looking for, the more danger I put myself in. My face was not well-known, and thankfully, no one bothered to look up from the gambling tables. However, if who I was looking for was here, there was no doubt in my mind he’d notice, and this  _ meeting _ should take place privately.

  
  


“Sir, a scan of your vitals indicates that your—“

  
  


“Not now, Nine,” I hushed the droid.

  
  


I took a sip of the wine and noticed it was extremely sweet, so much that it made my teeth ache. But I wasn't about to go ask the overly flirtatious waitress for another. I needed to blend in, so I had to grin and bear it.

  
  


I was on my second pass around the floor when I began to feel — _ off _ .  For my weight and build, it couldn't have been the alcohol,  _ could it? _ The world started to shift sideways, and my feet suddenly felt too heavy to move. Taking refuge in a small alcove a few yards away from the crowd, I pressed my forehead against the cool marble stone and drew in a few breaths.

  
  


Everything began to echo, and my body felt hot, way too hot for just nerves or from drinking. I lifted my gaze to the casino floor— big mistake. The bright flashing lights began to whirl and blur. My limbs were heavy as lead and— I was going to vomit. I tried to ground myself with the Force but… I could no longer feel it— it was just gone.

  
  


It was becoming harder to string together coherent thoughts. Through the crowd, I thought I saw FN— but that couldn't be— could it? No, it had to be a hallucination, he was still wounded from what I had done, but if it was him, he could get a message to my mother safely, right? I peeled myself from the wall, and the floor began to bubble and roll like the seas of Ahch-To. I braced my arm against the archway.

  
  


_ Okay, bad idea. _

  
  


Before I could attempt another step, a hand grabbed my shoulder from behind, or at least I thought it did. I stumbled backward, catching the wall for purchase but found myself falling back or was it up? I blinked hard to find the owner of the hand, but all I could see was a blur of purple and gold.

  
  


“You have a lot of nerve showing up here,” the blur groused.  

 

No... not a blur, I  _ know _ that voice…

  
  


“Uncle Lando?”

  
  
*******  
  
  


It was like having your head split open and the contents haphazardly reassembled. I blinked several times to refocus my eyes, disbelieving what they revealed. The interior of the shuttle was a pristine white, adorned with golden trim, and as familiar as the Falcon. A medical droid was by my side stitching my hand and applying proper treatment. 9E sat in a corner, powered down and recharging.

  
  


“It took LL here two hours to purify your blood,” Lando said as he sidestepped the droid.

  
  


I looked up at him dumbly, but then remembered the Twilek and the too sweet Corellian Red. The extra sweetness I now realized was to cover up the taste of the poison. How could I be so reckless? 

 

I gave myself an internal  eye-roll . _ Because you’re your father’s son, remember? _

 

“Ben, she hit you with enough poison to kill you and half the casino; I honestly don’t know how your alive right now… genetics perhaps.”

  
  


Lando sighed and took a seat beside me. A hint of a smile played at the corners of his mouth, but I could tell he was trying to refrain. “We’re lucky, you know. Me trying to drag your huge bantha ass to my shuttle raised more than a few eyebrows. There was no  _ flying casual _ about it. Plus, I thought your droid was going to fry a chip until she realized I was there to help. If it weren’t for the two nutjobs who ransacked the place...”

  
  


Lando’s shoulders began to shake as he started a long silent laughing fit, “I wish you could have seen it. These kids rode a  _ Fathier _ through the casino; you would have loved it.”

  
  


He had changed a lot since I last saw him. His hair had greyed considerably, and he wrinkled a lot around the eyes. But it was his laugh lines that were the most prominent.

  
  


He shook his head, “It must have distracted your would-be assassin, else I wouldn't have got you back here. Whatever you drank, it had a Force suppressant in it too, which means this wasn't just a ploy to drug and rob you later… they knew who you were.”

  
  


A terrifying realization shot through my veins like ice water.

  
  


“Do you know  _ who _ I am?”

  
  


Lando's lips pressed into a thin line; something behind his eyes told me this was a conversation he wanted to avoid, but he took a deep breath, and I braced for the worst.

  
  


“Your old man told me; I didn't want to believe it, hell, I refused to for a while. I had a feeling about you though, one day you’d get into trouble, even joked about it when you were born.”

  
  


“Why, because Darth Vader was my grandfather?” I snapped. 

It's why Han had kept his distance, wasn't it? I hadn't imagined the conversations he and mom had about me behind what they thought were closed doors. They thought I was a monster; it was easy to conclude Lando did as well.

  
  


“Noooo,” he held up his hands, “no, no. Because you’re  _ Han Solo’s  _ son and I don’t need to explain your mother.” He raised his brows, “She’s as hot-blooded as they come.”

  
  


_ Mom! _

  
  


I jolted up to a sitting position “How long have I been out?!”

  
  


“Easy kid, four hours tops. What were you doing there anyway? Don’t you know the First Order has your face plastered all over holonet-news? Every bounty hunter in the Galaxy has it out for you. Do you know how many credits they're offering?”

  
  


“Why, you plan to cash in?” I deadpanned.

  
  


Lando placed his hands on his hips, “Now why in the blazes would you think I would do something like that?”

  
  


“I dunno, you double crossed my dad—“

  
  


“And he me, countless times, but I’d never turn in his kid! Speaking of, how is the old Scoundrel? I haven't heard from him in a while.”

  
  


For the second time that day, I thought I would vomit. He had no idea. I had planned to use a mind trick on him to get what I needed, I figured he’d shoot me on the spot, and now part of me wished he had.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Vopa yuna puna chik youngee tee-tocky kyotopa,” is Huttness for "Would like a first class girl dancer after."
> 
> After watching the deleted scenes I couldn't pass up the opportunity to use some of it in the fic. You will begin to notice that I will subvert and integrate themes and scenes from TLJ into the fic from here on out. It won't be the same as TLJ as I was not going in the direction it was taking, to begin with. 
> 
> Thank you guys for reading. I will try to update soonish I promise.


	17. Friends in Low Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way to long to write, and I apologize. It's a bit shorter than my previous chapters, but I have it mapped out. Pain train is still trudging along the tracks.

  
  


_Sleep weighs heavy on my eyelids as I lazily open them to find a soft pale blue glow flickering through my window. Absentmindedly, I watch it bounce off my model ships and painted parchment, still laying haphazardly across the tiny wooden table at the center of my bedroom. Rational thought barrels through my subconscious, overriding what I could only feel now was a pleasant kaleidoscope of sun, laughter, and endless blue skies. It’s too early for it to be morning , I think, pulling my blanket to my chest and trying to regain my hold of the fading dream once more. Then, I hear that smooth purr from a very familiar engine, and I immediately know the light is an incoming ship, but it's not just any ship. I throw the blankets off and jump out of the bed, my bare feet patter against the cool wooden floors of the hallway. I don’t turn on the lights to see as I run through my house; I can navigate without needing to see. I know every doorway, and the place of each piece of furniture. The droids have not yet picked up on the incoming visitor, and I’m glad. I’ll have at least a few minutes of uninterrupted time with him. I’m tall enough now that I can reach the top latch of our front door, and I quietly pull the lever arm up and back then turn the doorknob, just as our intruder alarm sounds in the back bedroom, alerting my parents someone has landed nearby, but I’m too quick, and I’m out the door before they even open their eyes._

 

_I run down the long dirt path in the direction of the lights; I can hear the landing gear touch the ground, and the engines begin their shut down cycle. The Lady Luck shines like a beacon against the night sky, shiny and new as if it just came off the assembly line, but that was always his style, unblemished, luxurious, and flashy._

 

_The ramp lowers, and I can hear my mother call my name from behind, her tone— annoyed. I don’t look back, but I know she’s standing in the front doorway, wrapping herself up in her night cloak. I was going to be in trouble, but when am I not in trouble?_

 

_I pick up my pace when I see him walk down the ramp, his long green cape flowing elegantly in the breeze behind him. Then he sees me and flashes a bright toothy smile._

 

_“Uncle Lando!” I yell, hardly able to contain my excitement._

 

_“Hey there, Starfighter!” he calls back barely before I leap into his arms. The name is babyish, but I don’t mind when he lifts me from the ground, crushing me against his chest in a tight embrace._

 

_“I missed you!”_

 

_“Aww, I missed you too,” he says and sets me back down to the ground, then looks at my feet._

 

_“Kid, where are your shoes, your mother's gonna—“_

 

_“Ben! What are you thinking, running out of the house in the middle of the night?!” my mother scolds, slightly out of breath._

 

_Lando places a hand on my shoulder and pulls me to his side, “Aw, Leia, he just got excited, it's my fault showing up at such an... odd hour.”_

 

_My mom crossed her arms just as dad catches up, awkwardly hopping, pulling his boot on._

 

_“What’s going on?” he asks, stopping at my mothers' side. Mom gives him a sideways glance and he sheepishly proceeds to tuck in his shirt, before turning his attention back to Lando. “What kind of trouble are you in this time?”_

 

_“No trouble,” Lando holds up his hands in mock surrender._

 

_Mom shakes her head, “I’ve heard that before; I’ll leave you boys to it, c’mon Ben, let’s get you back to bed.”_

 

_“Awwww, mom, can’t I stay up? I’m one of the boys, too!” I whine, taking Lando’s hand and giving it a help-me-out-here squeeze._

 

_“Leia, I do have a gift for him, and the sun will be up in just an hour, uh, if it's alright with you, of course Princess er Senator.”_

 

_I give Mom a pleading look, and speak to her through the Force, “Mom please, Dad never lets me stay, pleeease,” I beg. Dad gives her a weary look, but before he can answer, she pulls through._

 

_“Oh, alright, but you have lessons with 3PO in a few hours; I want no complaints that you’re sleepy.”_

 

_“I won’t; I promise!”_

 

_I can feel dad’s annoyance over her choice, and my chest tightens, but I don’t show it. I never understand why he doesn't want to be around me; I try so hard to be like him, but not Lando, he is always excited to spend time with me._

 

_“C’mon, little Starfighter, I got something for ya.”_

 

_“It’s not another blaster, is it?” Han groans._

 

_Lando turns and gives Han a wink then leads me on to his ship and hands me a white box with a bright orange ribbon._

 

_I waste no time untying it and pushing aside the delicate paper. Inside, there is a neatly folded onyx colored fabric. I give Lando a sideways glance, and he’s beaming with excitement. I gently pull the fabric from the box and hold it up._

 

_“Give it a shake,” he says._

 

_I stand, doing as he says, and the fabric unfolds all the way to the floor revealing that it is not just black but also a deep shade of purple on one side—the underside-- it's a cape!_

 

_“It’s just like yours!” I say, pulling it around my shoulders._

 

_“Never too early to have a sense of style, Ben. A man’s style says a lot about him; it's all about presentation.”_

 

_“Ah, geez,” dad groans. But I can feel his amusement though he tries to hide his smile._

  


* * *

  
  
  


“Loth-cat got your tongue? What's wrong Ben, you’re white as a sheet--”

 

“I… I—“

 

“Did something happen to Han?”

 

All I could do, was nod. How could I tell him? He’d shoot me for sure, but then what about my mother?

 

“Ben, you're scaring me,” Lando pleaded.

 

“Tell him, kid.”

 

It was entirely possible I was still feeling the effects of whatever the Hell that Twi'lek poisoned me with because in the far off corner next to 9E sat-- my father. A blue hue surrounded him, like he was some sort of Force ghost, but that was impossible, wasn't it? Dad only came to me in dreams before— was I still asleep? Was this just another nightmare?

 

Han grinned, in that cocky Solo way of his then leaned back in the chair crossing his arms across his chest, “You’re not dreaming, but the only person who can see or hear me is you.”

 

“How?” I asked.

 

Lando looked at me and then back to the corner, “How what?”

 

“Tell him the truth, son,” Han said as he faded then disappeared completely.

 

“I’m losing my damn mind,” I murmured under my breath.

Lando looked as confused as I felt.

 

“Look, Ben, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on.”

 

It was a risk, telling the truth, but unless I wanted to run, which, in my condition would not be wise, I would have to _say it_. I took a breath and swallowed, then said as controlled as I could, “I think, you need, to sit down.”

 

Silently he obliged, but the fear was already palpable; I didn't need the Force to feel it, I could see it in his eyes.

 

“First, let me start with why I’m here.” I paused, as a knot inside my throat began to grow.

 

“Mom, is in trouble. The First Order is after her and I think— no, I _know_ she is injured. I can’t just pop back up on her doorstep, especially not in my shuttle. So, I came here to... to steal yours.”

 

“Steal it? Ben, I’d give it to you, Hell, I’ll go with you. Anything to help the Princess, you know that I—“

 

“I was going to steal it because, I thought... you’d... kill me.”

 

Lando began to shake his head in disagreement, or was it confusion? At this point, I couldn't quite tell.

 

“I want you to know that I’m trying to help my mom. I found Luke; he’s on the planet Ahch-To --or at least, he was, I’m sure he's on his way to help mom as well, but that won't work. I have to dock with the Supremacy unnoticed, I have to stop Hux, I—

 

“Ben Solo,” Lando narrowed his eyes, his tone shifted from worry to serious, “why would you think I would kill you?”

 

“Dad’s dead, and I killed him.”

 

I couldn’t say it any other way. I had already talked in circles about why and what I was hoping to achieve. Or, perhaps I was stalling, hoping the next question out of Lando’s mouth wouldn’t be why or how, although the notion it would be anything else would have been, a fool's hope.

 

“What do you _mean_ you killed him? Was it an accident? Did you guys get into some trouble?”

 

Leave it to Lando, to try to find a way around what I was saying. A last-ditch effort to swindle the truth somehow, to twist my words into something more palatable, less heinous, because how could the truth be real? I still didn't believe it myself sometimes, nor did I want to.  

 

I didn’t want to break his heart and shatter the illusion that somehow I was innocent of the crime, but it was time.

 

I shook my head, “No, _I_ killed him — he came back for me on Starkiller base, tried to take me home, and I thought I had to— Snoke, made me believe I had to, because I still loved him, still needed him.”

 

Tears were stinging my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I had to own up to this, the time for feeling sorry for myself was over. I would face the consequences, and I hoped, only for my mother's sake, Lando would spare my life.

 

“And Chewie?”

 

“He’s with Luke; he’s okay.”

 

He leaned back in his chair, stunned, face pale. Then, after what felt like forever, he slowly furrowed his brow. I knew _that_ look; it was one he often held when presented with a problem usually of my father’s making.

 

“If Chewie’s with Luke... and you were with Luke, how… _how_ are you alive? That Wookiee would have pounded you into dust or blasted you into oblivion.”

 

I could tell he was trying to latch onto the idea that I might be lying, clearly still holding out hope.

 

I pulled up the white dress shirt midway up my chest, exposing the bowcaster scar. Lando’s face fell, all hope vanished in a blink.  

 

“Chewie shot me when it happened. Then—then, on Ahch-To, Chewie stopped me from… from— I couldn't face it, I… I didn't want to live anymore, I—“

 

Lando put his hand up, “Please don’t tell me anymore,” his voice broke as he lowered his head into his hands.

 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

 

I expected anger, or curses that he wished I had never been born, that I was the monster they had all thought I would become, but nothing in my thirty years prepared me for what happened next.

 

His arms looped around my shoulders in a tight embrace. It was like I was a child all over again.

 

“I’m sorry, kid.”

 

 _Kid_ , that name shook me far more than my birth name. I didn’t deserve the to be called by that pet name, but Lando tightened his grip as I finally allowed my tears to fall, soaking into the purple fabric that clung to his shoulders.

 

My heart plummeted— _Purple_

  
  


After what felt like an eternity, our tears ebbed, and Lando pulled back and looked at me for a long time, then placed his hand on my scarred cheek-- _just like Dad_. I could feel the forgiveness, and I could only stare at him, confused.

 

How could he forgive me? Luke and Rey had understood on a different level. Rey knew my mind, and Luke knew what kind of monster Snoke was and how easy it had been after his betrayal to fall into the darkness, but Lando? He had no idea and yet he forgave me?

 

“You, are like my own, you know that, right?”

 

“I am?” I said, hating the way my voice sounded weak and small.

 

“You’ll understand one day.”

 

I couldn't help but drawback at that.

 

“Ben, what do you need from me, whatever it is, I’m with you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I'd give the first person POV a shot. I hope you like it. I haven't come across a lot of Ben only fics, and I've been dying to write one. Please leave me some feedback!  
> Follow me on tumblr @mother-of-porgs


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